Haberdashery on BDSM, Slave Collars, and Me



Ahh I’m really growing to love the Kink of the Week topics because it forces me to reexamine my own views and practices on BDSM, Kink and how I choose to play (and on occasion why).   So Jade has picked a potential lightning rod again with the choice of collars.  To me the topic seems as split and polarizing for many as religion and politics.  Time will tell if I’m right.
As usual I’m going to meander a bit mixing answer’s to Jade’s well thought out discussion starters with a bit of personal history and philosophy (which is neither more right or wrong than anyone else’s) so please bear with me.  Secondly I mean no offense to anyone else’s views or lifestyle choices this is merely my opinion and what works for me and the people in my life.  
And so I’ll begin.  
-Mal
 
Woman wearing a BDSM Collar“In our house not even the dog wears a collar” is a line I’ve been using for about 6 years or so and was also true.  It came up when someone was looking to out me “as not a real player” once asked if I had collared the Blonde.  It was followed by “no I did something far more sadistic; I married her”.  The answer however cavalierly I originally stated it stuck.  It is a reflection both of my own (comfortable) outsider status with some in the more “traditional” BDSM community and by the fact that while a dominant I consider the Blonde my equal as a partner in life.  Yes I know that makes me a casual player or an outright fake to a lot of the “true” tops.   To which I say OK, you live your way and I’ll live mine. And I don’t really want to hang with your vibe anymore than you want to hang with my poser ass.   Now on to the Q&A for a bit
Have you ever seen a woman or a man in the grocery store with a beautiful, choker-style necklace, and wondered, “Is he/she kinky?”  Absolutely, but I also look beyond a collar or necklace quite often and find myself wondering if someone is kinky by how they are dressed, things that are said, or even how they carry themselves.   On occasion I have also judged (perhaps unfairly) people in public situations as playing with imagery such as a collar or other BDSM symbolism and not understanding the meaning it conveys to people like myself.  Then again maybe they do, since I rarely speak up and ask opting to mind my own business.      
What is it that makes this such a recognizable and enduring symbol of the BDSM lifestyle? 
Myth, mystery and ritual aside I think collars primarily serve as a marker and a symbol of a relationship within BDSM community or fetish world.  Looking throughout history people mark their territory in a variety of ways and there is nothing wrong with it.  A collar is really not much different than a wearing a boyfriends’ class ring, varsity jacket, fraternity pin or an engagement ring, wedding ring or in my case playfully swatting the Blonde on the ass whenever I feel like it.   Almost all of us mark our turf in one way or another.
Collars are what you and the other person involved make of them, nothing less nothing more.
Do you have or have you ever worn a collar as a symbol, or had a partner you had “collared” or to whom you were “collared”?
Simply not my style. I have bought countless necklaces for people (if jewelry buying were a fetish I’d qualify but am doing well in recovery) but they’ve never had a meaning beyond the obvious commonplace gesture or symbolism.   Several years back when I first got serious about my rope work I started weaving things that I simply thought were pretty into to bracelets or necklaces.  It seemed like an out cropping of knitting more than anything dark or kinky; an activity for idle hands when my mind was racing.  One day while sitting at my desk it dawned on me they might be construed as a collar.  The items were placed in a box and I went back to tying up my chair while on con calls. No mistaking my intention there.
What does the symbolism mean to you (if anything)?
My first experience with people wearing collars and chokers was not in terms of BDSM anything but in music (granted it is a very fine line looking back at some of the lyrics).   Growing up I wore leathers and spikes. Punk and Metal friends wore collars not because they were owned by or submissive to anyone but in part as a fashion statement and for shock value.
Looking at the others who write here the collars (play and everyday) that Alice wears are sacred to her and Lord Raven.   I treat it as such; in general I do my best to respect the intention of the person wearing it and their partner (if applicable) no matter who it is. For another partner of mine it’s simply a piece of fetish wear that makes her feel sexy and submissive.  She bought it for herself and occasionally wears it to play.  She is neither my property, nor my slave, or anything of the sort.  While I do adore her it’s just play clothes to me and nothing deeper in that case. I will not however help her fasten or unfasten it because of my perception of that meaning something more to many others.  (Ha and I thought I was a complete renegade until this point. OK not really)
 
Does being collared have the same level of commitment as being married?
This is a tough one. Yes and No.  There is no universal truth to what it means, everyone is different.  For Raven and Alice it’s a deeper commitment than simply being married. For others and perhaps too many being collared is viewed as nonchalantly as people marring and divorcing. For some people marriage means only one partner forever, for others there are many partners both casual and long term.  For many my marriage represents an abomination or perversion of the institution.  For us it works (most of the time)
I do have a rule that has only one exception – If you are wearing a collar I will not ever approach you to play, I will not flirt, or cavort with you.  I will talk, be polite, and charming on occasion but it will go no further.  If approached by you to scene I will ask about your collar and decide accordingly.
The exception is Alice – She wears Raven’s collar and I will cavort, flirt, and ask her to play.   I was a pre-negotiated part of her arrangement.  At first it was flattering but awkward but since LR and I have become good friends it actually seems perfectly normal.  (LR & AK please correct me if I’ve mis-represented this)  The truth is the two of us tend to scheme and team up on her if and when we get the chance so it works well and is a lot of fun for me.
To further complicate matters I love fucking with women in engagement rings and occasionally a wedding band if the vibe is right.   Ironically I’d never do that to a person in a collar so I suppose that says something about my flawed character and view of what is sacred if nothing else.
 
What about different “levels” of collars (training, play, consideration, ownership, etc.)?
If that’s your thing sure, have at it. I’m just happy when my shirt collars have brass stays in them and don’t curl up.
 
Or maybe you or your partner(s) only use them as part of a scene, as another toy in your kinky toy box?
Ok I admit it I put a collar on the dog when we went to the park and the vet. Beyond that there are no collars in my toy box or elsewhere, If someone I play with wants one that’s what Fetish boutiques, vendor fairs at kink events, and Amazon is for. 
Perhaps it isn’t about symbolism, but the feel of leather or steel under your hand or around your throat that excites you and sets a scene.
I like leather, and I like steel in fashion, art and kink so no objections but given the choice of a woman in a collar or a corset or great heels I’d pick options 3 & 2 far before the collar.
What about collars in public? Have you or do you wear a collar in public, or have a partner that does, as a symbol or as part of a scene?
If you want to self identify in public, go for it!  Whether it’s a seemingly demure necklace, a leather spiked dog collar, or something steel that is locked if it’s part of your look and you’re not flaunting it inappropriately (explaining it to everyone who walks by) there is no harm.
I’m going to go off topic here a bit. As a Top I do things, however subtle that symbolize to me and on occasion a few others what my interests are and my role. For submissive in many cases it’s a collar, or a style of dress, an outfit.  For me it begins with my boots.  They are an obvious outward sign of my kink.  The rest of the world sees a guy in jeans and black boots in a T shirt.  I see a sadist in everyday clothes who just got done or is planning to do something really mean to a willing partner who somewhere down the road but at the moment just happened to be out of strawberries, cake, or coffee.  Now I’m going to make some bold assumptions here that other tops self identify in public life too, just in different ways as their submissive such as head to toe black, etc.  No one may ever know, they may never even think of it in those terms but odds are a lot of folks do it. 
 

Final Thoughts

Damn I’m long winded on this one.   Looking back over the piece I made some rather sexist assumptions in my examples.  I considered editing them but looking at it as a male top who plays with female bottoms it is simply my view.  Couples of different orientations would have their views and examples (varsity jacket etc) that would be fitting to them.  I didn’t point out the occasional conflicts caused by those who view collars as only fit for relationships vs. people who like to simply wear them for play and the divisions or verbal jousting it can cause.

A Surrender, Part 3 – Mistress returns

By request and due to their over all popularity part 3 of a female dominate series of stories for all you male subs, female tops and switches out there.Of course you can read the first 2 installments but just to bring you up to speed.

A very thoroughly spanked male sub waits naked and still in position from his last punishment for his Mistress to return and administer his next session of the evening.The promise of anything but another spanking on his red and bruised bottom would be a reprieve even if it includes more wicked little devices and cruel attention to his nether region.

Waiting his bared bottom still flushed and the dark shades of purple becoming more evident every few minutes he stood there.She had spanked him before but never as hard or as long as what he had just gotten.Two clamps on his balls left him some where between tortured and excited and the cold lube on the plug in his ass had warmed and only added to the sensations he was feeling.

The pain danced with pleasure as he took pride in how he had handled his punishment,but pride was a foolish thing for a slave, and especially foolish knowing that there was more to come.

Her foot steps on the stairs echoed.His throbbing bottom waiting for her in plain view as she entered the room, she drank it in and just couldn’t help herself.She walked over and patted it a few times, he tensed as even the slightest little smack sent new levels of pain coursing though his body.

“I see you stayed just like I left you.”Her mind still spinning in indecision, he waited for her hoping she wasn’t going to do what he was anticipating.

“But first we’ll start with just a little reminder, just so you don’t forget what you’ve already learned.”Her voice confirmed everything he feared and as the leather slapper met his bottom he fought through the sting “yes Mistress”.  She spanked every so lightly but it didn’t feel that way on the receiving end.Her cruel little reminder left him dancing and struggling to stay in place as she swatted one cheek and then the other slowly and deliberately with a sense of enjoyment and satisfaction.

Soon her interest waned and she removed the plug and clamps all but unannounced.“Kneel, and lick my boots”he stood and turned around to see her waiting in shiny black boots, a latex corset and panties matching panties.Seconds later all but threw himself at her feet just relieved that she was moving onto something else.

“Oh you didn’t think it was going to be that easy did you”she inquired

“No Mistress” he said pausing.

“Good now don’t miss a spot” as she danced a flogger across his back.Whipping him at will as he knelt at her feet.Every so often she was tempted to land it a little lower and as his back glowed a soft pink and red she reached further and place a hard stoke across his ass.He paused.She gave him another that sent him in to writhing misery.“who said you could stop pig.”She demanded, as she continued to abuse his bruised and tender bottom with her flogger.

“Please Mistress” he pleaded looking up at her.She was so arousing to him even now.

Knowing he was at his limit “Fine so maybe your poor little bottom has had enough for a while.Stand up”

He did so quickly.“I see you’re enjoying this so lets see how your hard little dick likes what you’ve just earned it.”She said grabbing him roughly by his manhood that was in fact was from small and instantly grew completely rigid with her touch.

“Trust me this won’t feel good for long” Stroking him, teasing him, and making certain he was enjoying it at least a little.Next she wrapped the thin rope over the base of his dick tightly, wrapping each of his balls until they were separated and bulging against each of the tight little loops of ropes making that made the restraints.

She then took a small leather strap in one hand and the base of his erection in the other.A soft slap across the top of his penis, and then another until she got to 10 each a little harder than the last.“now for the under side holding it up she whipped the underside of his dick’s head 10 times each strokes sending a mixture of pain and pleasure racing through his body.

“Now let’s add a little something to the fun” placing leather restraints around his wrists and ankles and fasting him tightly in place he stood waiting for her to begin again and she tortured his cock first the top side top and then bottom mercilessly whipping him with the strap paying particular attention to the fat mushroom shaped tip.Then a light but stinging beating with a wooden ruler covering the tip of his dick with extra care and precision that left him moaning and on the edge of an indescribable sensation, stopping ever so often to taunt him with long strokes of her hand, masturbating him to the point of pleasure but never too close to release and then inflicting more pain.

Clamping his nipples she added small weights drawing the pinch to a pulling bite, tugging and then letting them hang there pulling relentlessly against him. Reaching and squeezing and patting his still glowing bare ass and finally unbinding his cock and balls.

“Look your little balls feel neglected as she pulled out a latex flogger and began to address the neglect.He writhed in torment and she delighted not only in his suffering binding his still obvious erection to his torso to keep it stimulated and out of the waywhen she cupped his ball flogging first with a leather toy and then a wicked little latex implement with countless soft and thin strands stinging and going astray.He moaned and drew inside of himself as she continued.

Removing her black panties he watched as she revealed a cleanly shaved pussy that glistened with her arousal. Then releasing him he followed he across the room and placed his head between her legs sending a shudder through her soaked pussy as his tongue danced over her lips and in and out of her.

Taking him in hand and positioning him between her legs she tapped his abused little cock against her clit over and over again to the edge of her own second release and well into to it as he stood and watched his mistress cum.

“ Do you want to fuck me” she asked.

“Yes Mistress” His answer almost too eager.

“In time but not before I finish fucking you” Now standing in front of him she helped him to his knees and he looked on while his mistress placed he harness around her small waist and long toned legs.Reaching into the toy chest she removed a pink dildo that he had never seen before, it was longer and thicker than any they had ever played.Astonished as she strapped it on her intention was now perfectly clear as she moved towards him the size and girth becoming even more worrisome as she drew closer.

She stopped in front of where he was kneeling.Eagerly and hoping to avoid the alternative took it into his mouth as his lips stretched to swallow it.“Nice try but you know exactly where it’s going”As she stepped back and now behind him his red and purple bottom in the air waiting she eased the heavily lubed massive toy into him and back out again until a nice rhythm of her hips bouncing off his beat red ass had been established, adding the occasional hard spank to his punished bottom for added effect.

After thoroughly and savagely fucking his ass she mounted him and his raw dick fucking roughly until she came again and again, finally giving him permission to do the samehe did so almost instantly and forcefully from all the stimulation over the course of the evening.

“ left something outside the door could you get it for me?”

He answered and opened the door to find the switches she had cut earlier waiting for him.He carried them to her and bent back over the spanking bench.His heart sank again.“Oh I was just bringing those along for another time but if you really need another reminder I’d be happy to help.”The first one cut across his back side, every muscle in his body tensed and he fought to stay in position.She continued on with well placed strokes and long pauses, enjoying the sound of the implement swooshing through the air and then sending a crack out through the room as it landed.How he tensed and pleaded for it to be over yet he stayed in position and waited, waited for it to end, waited for her to apply another stinging swat . He waited to knowing that he would do anything else she wanted.

What she wanted was his fat sore cock inside of her…but that could wait just a few more minutes.

A Surrender, Part 2 – Later that night

By request and due to their over all popularity part 2 of afemale dominate series of stories for all you male subs, female tops and switches out there.This one crosses fromspanko to bdsm so like the character in the story…you’ve been warned.

After visiting for hours during what she considered to be a pleasant evening the time came to take their leave and quickly her role as guest and friend faded and once alone in the car she became his mistress instantly.But other than the change in her demeanor not much was said until after their garage door began to open and the car made its way into the drive way.

“Take care of any needs you’ll have since we’ll be there for a while and then meet me in “the room” Her voice matter of fact.As the garage door closed he scurried off quickly and relieved himself.Afterhurrying back through the house he descended the stairs to basement and found himself in the hallway that lead to as she matter of factly put it “the room”and no sooner than he entered it her gaze was waiting.He entered, stopped at her feet, kneeled down with his eyes cast to the floor and waited to be told what to do.

“Why are you here?” her inquiry directed at him.

“To serve you Mistress”his best submissive voice

“No to be punished and prove you’re not my worthless little slave” her voice harsh

“Yes Mistress” he looked up meekly with out lifting his head.

“We’ll begin again where we left off, with your pathetic little ass”Grabbing his arm and leading him to a bench that he knew all too well the meaning of.As he approached his already tenderbottom reminded him of earlier when he had been whipped with a belt and then she finished spanking his bare bottom with freshly cut switches.

Waiting for instructions he stood where she left him in front of a spanking bench that it was only a matter of time before she bent him over.

“lets see what should I used first.”Now toying with him he watched her go through an extensive collection of paddles one by one looking at each and deciding whether or not it would have the right effect.

“I think this one to start” as she pulled out a very stingy thing round wooden number that she knew always got is attention on a lily white ass so it should work quickly tonight on one that had already been thoroughly punished and then a wide thick leather number to follow up with.

“Are you ready to begin” she asked walking toward him an implement in each hand.

“Yes Mistress”

“Then you know what to do, strip and then I’ll help you into position”She watched as he removed every stitch of clothed lastly his boxers that covered a well marked and still lightly colored bottom.

Standing in front of the bench waiting, slightly aroused by what was about to happen.

“Ask me” she insisted.

“Mistress will you please punish me” he said, he hated to ask yet she loved to humiliate him and to hear him ask.

“How would you like to be punished” playing back knowing that she could twist any answer to be right or wrong.

“As you see fit Mistress”He answered.She smiled a pleased but wicked little smile.It seemed that he had learned something along the way but that wasn’t going to spare him a single lick tonight.

Her hand swatted his bottom sharply and he winced.Then she proceeded to bend him over to begin his spanking.Positioning him just, bent at the waist, legs spread she patted him firmly a few more times to be certain he was set perfectly and admiring in detail her earlier handiwork.Tracing the welts, studying a few small bruises on his waiting bare bottom she had every intention of torturing far more before moving onto other things.

He waited patiently on display as her hands caressed and patted, it was a mixture of teasing pleasure that was exiting him despite what was yet to come, a remaindered of the earlier session and a seemingly eternal wait for her to begin again.

“Time for your paddling” she said stepping back and picking up the thin wooden ping pong paddle.Crack, the sound of it impacting his back side filled the room and the sting of the first swat alone brought back the sensations that had faded sine his earlier discipline.After two more in the exact same spot she switched sides swatting the same spot crisply three times and then launched an attacked on his all ready tomented ass that left his butt stinging like a swarm of bees and him dancing in place over the spanking bench, cheeks clenched to lessen the sting and hand clenched to hold himself in place.

She was relentless and after every inch of his bottom was covered in fresh spanks she began again until he was a glowing shade of crimson.Finally pausing.

“Now that you’re warmed up a little let’s make sure that you understand what I’m going to do to you”She said

“yes mistress”The leather paddle came down hard across his sit spot on both cheeks after he answered.

“I’m going to finish beating your naughty bottom” she paused

“Yes mistress” another swat harder than the last set his backside even more ablaze

“Yes Mistress what?” He saw where this was going, as the full effect of the last one settled in.

“Yes Mistress you’re going to finish beating my naughty bottom”Another crack filled the room.

“That’s right and how did you say that I should punish you”she asked paddling him again.He paused to collect his breath but it took too long in her mind and she swatted him again.

“ I asked you to punish me as you see fit.Mistress” he answered. She was bored and was done toying with him.

And swatted him again, as that one set in she gave him another, and then another until 10 hard swats each with an long drawn out pause.He heard he heels on the concrete as she walked away.The sound of the toy closet opening was unmistakable and moment latter she returned with a 4 in wide wooden paddle.

“Count them” She ordered as he tensed not knowing what was coming.The first one made it obvious.

He gasped, and called out “One Mistress”

“the number will be fine for this part but if you move we start over at one” She reassured him and before he could answer then next swat arrived on his bottom that had already been taken from tender to sore and was well on it’s way past red to a lasting deep shade of excruciating purple.

“Two” he called out after winging and shifting about ever so slightly

“Three” he said forcing the breath from his lungs and hoping it would stop soon

The fourth he called out after a short rest and it had landed on his sit spot yet again fulfilling her earlier promise that he would want to spend the next week trying to stand.

Five, six, seven, and eight each left him counting the number and on the edge of begging for her mercy, pleading with her not to stop but to move on to something else.He resisted and did his best as she finished his spanking with another harsh smack as he called out 12 nearly under his breath.

“now I’m almost done with your naughty ass but not with the rest of you”Her tone making it all to clear his ordeal was far from over.

At first it was cold, and wet but he resisted the urge to fight and held on as his butt was plugged without warning with a small toy and an inordinate amount of lube.Next still bent over his backside not only thoroughly abused but now filled she moved onto his balls placing two small clamps on them.

“There that should give you something to think about” she said her hand smacking his fiery hot bottom a few times for good measure.She delighted as how he struggled to obey and took all of the pain she inflicted o willingly but what pleased her most was feeling him surrender in those last few spanks to what ever she truly wanted as he collapsed on to the bench in earnest.

“now I know that you know no to move, those clamps and that plug had better still be in place when I return.”She said sitting the wooden paddle on his back as a reminder.

“Yes Mistress” his voice accepting that the night had only just begun

His Mistress took her leave her heels clicked across the concrete and up the stairs as he remained in position, raw, bruised and spread by her toy that filled him, and two new devices pinching his balls. He was left wondering what was next and how much more there was to come.