Five – My Medicine

A Table with a mix of sleeping pills, allergy medications and alcohol

“Somebody mixed my medicine
I don’t know what I’m on
Somebody mixed my medicine
Now baby its all gone
Somebody mixed my medicine
Somebody’s in my head again
And somebody mixed my medicine again, again”

My Medicine – The Pretty Reckless


Before 5 years ago i took about 4 tylenol a year. And an all natural ethically vegan friendly multivitamin.

When I started traveling internationally regularly half a sleeping pill was added the first few nights when there was a time change of more than 6 hours. Not great but not the worst thing. Then occasional other use to shut down and sleep would be referred to as “going into to void”. I have an addictive personality. It is the very reason I avoided recreational drugs (coffee doesn’t count).

The only other time was when she was next to me. I couldn’t sleep with her there. After her suicide on her own script for those very same pills fear of them set in. Prior it never once occurred how dangerous they could be.

A few months later when life became totally frantic I added 2 benadryl for allergies at night, Sleep was sweet. As my demons chased me, an unrelenting pace, sadness, loneliness, and ambition danced it would grow to 4.

I would feel myself floating for a few seconds before sleep. It was probably a “high”. Eventually fear faded and it became 2 allergy pills and a sleeping pill, other nights tylenol, On a Friday i tried a new pill to keep me asleep “a Stay a Sleep er all” It was magic. until it wasn’t and would linger in my system and i was literally off my fucking rocker with manic swings from high enegery to the in ability to stay awake for the next 36 hours. It took 5 or six times to realize the issue.

The demons after sleep were winning. Things and thoughts became dark in the blink of an eye. The remaining ones were flushed.

As the song says i had mixed my medicine. not once considering the potential to OD. You will literally just “wake up dead”, My daughter freaked at the cocktail. The wife mentioned the risk was real. in 9 months i had gone from terrified of pills to mixing them to find nothingness in sleep. No dreams, no memories, no waking.

So I stopped before i was the one taking a dirt nap.

three fourteen

 Darkness is my closest friend, and that is always when the voices come to talk with me again. Coldness is so comfortable like a lovers kiss yet when i think of you it often has the familiar feel of loneliness and her cruel caress.
Silence is all too often so very misunderstood and sanctity a frail facade that may be leaving me for good. Addiction keeps me company when the others they all fail and with absolute certianty she’ll guide me to a sacred spot in the poshest part of hell.
Faith is for the faithful, and pleasure is always filled with pain, temptation is so often lurking in the functionally deranged. 
Love is for the lovers, the foolish, the dreamers,  and the damned.
And the demons are always supportive of any misplaced final stand. 
The distractions are illusions and the meaning mostly lies. So it’s in the darkness I feel safe,  insane, alone and some how still alive. 
And the metal it is glistening,  and the drink is all but gone, and the Sadness has decided that Apathy is now the ruling diety and decided to move on.
As the liars sell salvation, charletons sell pills, some sell our virtue for more dirty little thrills.  And it’s when nothing matters, and everyone is still that I can hear them laughing both in heaven and in hell.
The wind is singing softly, and desperation settles in. The decades lost to nothingness drowning in the sins.   And the wicked have all but faded as the righteous run and hide.
Slumber finally settles in as the darkness she begins to swallow me and the voices quietly say good bye.

Into the Void

Have you ever watched a man die? Not slowly over time…we all do that every day. Not as illness takes them as it runs an undeniable course. Has a man who was standing there speaking one moment had the light fade from his eyes and his body crumble in a lifeless heap before it even smacked off the marble floor.
Death has always been a fascination, not a morbid obsession but merely an inescapable part of life.
Now let’s say for a moment that your mind never stops. That there are very few things in which you can find calm, solace, and peace. Even those moments are at best too short and more often elusive and instantly fleeting.
Inevitably death will always win. No matter the raging fight or silent attack in the end there will be stillness. Everything will fade.
Most nights are filled with fitful sleep. Worries about work, family, friends, money…what has been done or what can not be gotten too. Sleep taunts me, life abuses my mind and body. My demons mock me at every turn and even more so in the small dark hours.
Countless rooms filled with people and their expectations, their demands or worse yet their bustle and joy while you are merely part of then facade.
But every so often with the help of a pill escape is possible. There is no thoughts or movement just a slight fading of everything as I wonder if this is what death’s sweet caress is like as tonight I have chosen to go into the void.
Note: I am not in any danger,  going to do any harm, and not in anyway ill.  It is merely a somewhat macabre reflection of my thoughts on the occasion use of a sleeping pill.  It is a well documented fact that I am on a good day a classic insomniac.