Haberdashery on BDSM, Slave Collars, and Me



Ahh I’m really growing to love the Kink of the Week topics because it forces me to reexamine my own views and practices on BDSM, Kink and how I choose to play (and on occasion why).   So Jade has picked a potential lightning rod again with the choice of collars.  To me the topic seems as split and polarizing for many as religion and politics.  Time will tell if I’m right.
As usual I’m going to meander a bit mixing answer’s to Jade’s well thought out discussion starters with a bit of personal history and philosophy (which is neither more right or wrong than anyone else’s) so please bear with me.  Secondly I mean no offense to anyone else’s views or lifestyle choices this is merely my opinion and what works for me and the people in my life.  
And so I’ll begin.  
-Mal
 
Woman wearing a BDSM Collar“In our house not even the dog wears a collar” is a line I’ve been using for about 6 years or so and was also true.  It came up when someone was looking to out me “as not a real player” once asked if I had collared the Blonde.  It was followed by “no I did something far more sadistic; I married her”.  The answer however cavalierly I originally stated it stuck.  It is a reflection both of my own (comfortable) outsider status with some in the more “traditional” BDSM community and by the fact that while a dominant I consider the Blonde my equal as a partner in life.  Yes I know that makes me a casual player or an outright fake to a lot of the “true” tops.   To which I say OK, you live your way and I’ll live mine. And I don’t really want to hang with your vibe anymore than you want to hang with my poser ass.   Now on to the Q&A for a bit
Have you ever seen a woman or a man in the grocery store with a beautiful, choker-style necklace, and wondered, “Is he/she kinky?”  Absolutely, but I also look beyond a collar or necklace quite often and find myself wondering if someone is kinky by how they are dressed, things that are said, or even how they carry themselves.   On occasion I have also judged (perhaps unfairly) people in public situations as playing with imagery such as a collar or other BDSM symbolism and not understanding the meaning it conveys to people like myself.  Then again maybe they do, since I rarely speak up and ask opting to mind my own business.      
What is it that makes this such a recognizable and enduring symbol of the BDSM lifestyle? 
Myth, mystery and ritual aside I think collars primarily serve as a marker and a symbol of a relationship within BDSM community or fetish world.  Looking throughout history people mark their territory in a variety of ways and there is nothing wrong with it.  A collar is really not much different than a wearing a boyfriends’ class ring, varsity jacket, fraternity pin or an engagement ring, wedding ring or in my case playfully swatting the Blonde on the ass whenever I feel like it.   Almost all of us mark our turf in one way or another.
Collars are what you and the other person involved make of them, nothing less nothing more.
Do you have or have you ever worn a collar as a symbol, or had a partner you had “collared” or to whom you were “collared”?
Simply not my style. I have bought countless necklaces for people (if jewelry buying were a fetish I’d qualify but am doing well in recovery) but they’ve never had a meaning beyond the obvious commonplace gesture or symbolism.   Several years back when I first got serious about my rope work I started weaving things that I simply thought were pretty into to bracelets or necklaces.  It seemed like an out cropping of knitting more than anything dark or kinky; an activity for idle hands when my mind was racing.  One day while sitting at my desk it dawned on me they might be construed as a collar.  The items were placed in a box and I went back to tying up my chair while on con calls. No mistaking my intention there.
What does the symbolism mean to you (if anything)?
My first experience with people wearing collars and chokers was not in terms of BDSM anything but in music (granted it is a very fine line looking back at some of the lyrics).   Growing up I wore leathers and spikes. Punk and Metal friends wore collars not because they were owned by or submissive to anyone but in part as a fashion statement and for shock value.
Looking at the others who write here the collars (play and everyday) that Alice wears are sacred to her and Lord Raven.   I treat it as such; in general I do my best to respect the intention of the person wearing it and their partner (if applicable) no matter who it is. For another partner of mine it’s simply a piece of fetish wear that makes her feel sexy and submissive.  She bought it for herself and occasionally wears it to play.  She is neither my property, nor my slave, or anything of the sort.  While I do adore her it’s just play clothes to me and nothing deeper in that case. I will not however help her fasten or unfasten it because of my perception of that meaning something more to many others.  (Ha and I thought I was a complete renegade until this point. OK not really)
 
Does being collared have the same level of commitment as being married?
This is a tough one. Yes and No.  There is no universal truth to what it means, everyone is different.  For Raven and Alice it’s a deeper commitment than simply being married. For others and perhaps too many being collared is viewed as nonchalantly as people marring and divorcing. For some people marriage means only one partner forever, for others there are many partners both casual and long term.  For many my marriage represents an abomination or perversion of the institution.  For us it works (most of the time)
I do have a rule that has only one exception – If you are wearing a collar I will not ever approach you to play, I will not flirt, or cavort with you.  I will talk, be polite, and charming on occasion but it will go no further.  If approached by you to scene I will ask about your collar and decide accordingly.
The exception is Alice – She wears Raven’s collar and I will cavort, flirt, and ask her to play.   I was a pre-negotiated part of her arrangement.  At first it was flattering but awkward but since LR and I have become good friends it actually seems perfectly normal.  (LR & AK please correct me if I’ve mis-represented this)  The truth is the two of us tend to scheme and team up on her if and when we get the chance so it works well and is a lot of fun for me.
To further complicate matters I love fucking with women in engagement rings and occasionally a wedding band if the vibe is right.   Ironically I’d never do that to a person in a collar so I suppose that says something about my flawed character and view of what is sacred if nothing else.
 
What about different “levels” of collars (training, play, consideration, ownership, etc.)?
If that’s your thing sure, have at it. I’m just happy when my shirt collars have brass stays in them and don’t curl up.
 
Or maybe you or your partner(s) only use them as part of a scene, as another toy in your kinky toy box?
Ok I admit it I put a collar on the dog when we went to the park and the vet. Beyond that there are no collars in my toy box or elsewhere, If someone I play with wants one that’s what Fetish boutiques, vendor fairs at kink events, and Amazon is for. 
Perhaps it isn’t about symbolism, but the feel of leather or steel under your hand or around your throat that excites you and sets a scene.
I like leather, and I like steel in fashion, art and kink so no objections but given the choice of a woman in a collar or a corset or great heels I’d pick options 3 & 2 far before the collar.
What about collars in public? Have you or do you wear a collar in public, or have a partner that does, as a symbol or as part of a scene?
If you want to self identify in public, go for it!  Whether it’s a seemingly demure necklace, a leather spiked dog collar, or something steel that is locked if it’s part of your look and you’re not flaunting it inappropriately (explaining it to everyone who walks by) there is no harm.
I’m going to go off topic here a bit. As a Top I do things, however subtle that symbolize to me and on occasion a few others what my interests are and my role. For submissive in many cases it’s a collar, or a style of dress, an outfit.  For me it begins with my boots.  They are an obvious outward sign of my kink.  The rest of the world sees a guy in jeans and black boots in a T shirt.  I see a sadist in everyday clothes who just got done or is planning to do something really mean to a willing partner who somewhere down the road but at the moment just happened to be out of strawberries, cake, or coffee.  Now I’m going to make some bold assumptions here that other tops self identify in public life too, just in different ways as their submissive such as head to toe black, etc.  No one may ever know, they may never even think of it in those terms but odds are a lot of folks do it. 
 

Final Thoughts

Damn I’m long winded on this one.   Looking back over the piece I made some rather sexist assumptions in my examples.  I considered editing them but looking at it as a male top who plays with female bottoms it is simply my view.  Couples of different orientations would have their views and examples (varsity jacket etc) that would be fitting to them.  I didn’t point out the occasional conflicts caused by those who view collars as only fit for relationships vs. people who like to simply wear them for play and the divisions or verbal jousting it can cause.

Chasing the Dragon – escape, acceptance, and an unbelievable high

Yes this is the Fetish Friday post, yes the title is a little different but it deals with several of my most enduring fetishes, music, fetish wear, and of course rough sex. A literary interpretation of my experience, on the bands, the music, and the meaning of life (well kind of)

Enjoy
-Mal

Chasing the Dragon Part 1 – The escape

Lords of Acid Opening Song Sex Bomb Baltimore 2010
So Monday Night I drifted into a world that I love.   If you share a passion for sexually graphic music, sexy little fetish and raver girls, and sense of humor then its the right place to be.  The crowd was a mix of old fucks like me all the way down to the barely legal crowd.  The male uniform seemed to be black t shirts and jeans or dark cargo shorts though there was one gent in a gold sequin jacket next to me who had a very interesting date.
Praga Khan the lords of acid sextreme ball 2010 baltimore mdLike so many of us I live a dual life in many senses of the word, there is the person who I am and the person I am very much expected to be. In most cases those two do not coincide but I have spent countless years trying and struggling to find that balance; to create a life where who I am is who I am expected to be.  After all who doesn’t want to escape from being the person who is chased and who despises what he has allowed his withered soul to become?  It is in the shadows that I feel most at home.
Have you ever been in a crowded room surrounded by strangers?  Of course you have we all have been at one point or another.  School, Social club, conference, movie theater or restaurant.  The fact is I struggle socially most of the time, now keep in mind a large part of how I make my living is being social.  Oh sure I’m conversational, polite, well versed, and factually sound.  Is the person in the suit talking about all that sort of thing who I am? Not really it is simply what I do.
Far from the contrived splendor of the business world I once again drifted into the night, away into the shadows lacey conner lords of acid new singer baltimore 2010attempting to put what I am as far away from who I am and swim in as many passions, lusts, and addictions as possible.  I once again found myself at first in line with and then in a room filled with complete strangers although a few old friends would arrive a bit later.   Unlike who I am expected to be this group was refreshing and welcome not a struggle for me.  No one would be shocked that I’m a sadist and like to tie up naked women who also like to be tied up, roughed up and fucked.  Instead I was surrounded by people who were just happy to be there, happy to see a band or bands that they loved.   Many looked the part, some more so than others but there was a wonderful nonexclusive vibe about the entire night.  Sure I had on a black t and tattered olive cargo shorts. No one bagged on me for not wearing boots instead people smiled and introduced themselves.   We smiled and chatted one woman who was a long time fan of My Life With the Thrill Kill Kult  befriended me.  A young couple who met on the way in were welcoming and friendly.  She was small decked out in a purple corset, lace up vinyl shorts, and diamond net stockings.  He was tattooed with a Mohawk that was growing out.  There was a look about him that told he was tough, he carried himself in a confident but not arrogant way and was so gentle with in his gestures and his words towards his girl friends that it was in fact very touching.  This was my reality for hours, it was an escape in the deepest and darkest of ways.   It had all the lure of a night in Vegas in a rather intimate and much more personally appealing way.  By the end I would be floating like a spirit in the night.  Unfortunately nothing last for ever.

Part 2 Acceptance

The Perfect - Bourbon Street Baltimore MD So the First Band of the was a local group I believe the said the were called the Perfect but I’ll be damned if I can find their facebook fan page. Sorry boys but I tried for 10 minutes to find it and link to it for you.  Seems they’ve been around for a while and did a nice job. Their had light up mic and drum stands which was a cool touch that added a pseudo retro feel to the stage but their sound was a solid alternative rock.  At this point I’m watching a good local group and surrounded by people dressed for a fetish ball in vinyl and rubber, sea’s of black dresses, combat boots, a flack jacket looking thing or two, the occasional glow stick and lots and lots of thigh high boots with torn fishnet stockings.
Next up Was Blownload From Sacramento California In all fairness I watched them on a webcast show a week earlierBlown Load at Bourbon Street on the Sextremeball 2010 tour from Wisconsin and knew going in I dug their music,  sexual humor, and general sense of sinful sacrilege (“if sodomy’s a crime, then sodomy’s a must”).  If you do nothing else watch their keep sex evil video (you tube and they also have nice myspace page with vids and tunes on it) and go see them anytime they are with in driving distance of you. If I’m near by i’ll be there too.   The blownload boys also worked their tails off as the road crew/ guitar and drum tech types for Thrill Kill and the lords and were cool in doing so.  The bass player Crash warned a young woman about the dangers of standing in front of the Lords keyboard player.  Despite her girl next door looks in a red t, blue jeans and long blond hair she knew exactly what she was getting into. Earlier I over heard her telling her date and some friends that she has loved the lords since she was 12.  Anf that my friends is my kind of girl!  One of the things that stood out to me was how cool everybody was to each other in general.  Some of the musician’s themselves were in the crowd Blownload Bassist Crash Sextreme Ball 2010 playing at Bourbon in Baltimore MDdigging what the other bands were doing.  People would just strike up conversations between sets.  I for the most part went by myself though had a few fetish friends who would be there “at some point”  and who I would later leave with.   So instead I talked to a series of young couple who was ultimately cool with me.  I watch the man in a gold sequined jacket fornicate with his entirely too inebriated female friend.  Lets just say image a small brunette with her elbows on the edge of the stage pulling and twisting the hell out of her own nipples while her friend helped stimulate her from behind. Public sex is one thing, an orgy is another, but sex in a crowd of people watching a concert well lets say I’m not prudish myself but later would learn a few things about myself the surprised me a little.
My Life with the Thrill Kill Kult took the stage and the audience to another level.  I’d always heard of them but never Frank - My Life with the Thrill Kill Kult Sextreme Ball 2010 Baltimoretook the time to listen to them.  Ironic since once I did a few weeks back I realized that their god mocking lyrics and sexual innuendo made them a great addition to my perverted music listening.  the crowd was emphatic and bordering on crazy.  At one point I had a cougar type grinding on me harder than most women I’ve fucked with even the most violent intensity.  It added to the ambiance nothing like a well built mid 40’s blond with high end jewelery, a soft yellow summer dress and coach purse  living life with reckless abandon for a few minutes.  She was so rough and intense that I literally had to tense up to keep from getting knocked down and lead into her on impact.  this is one of the surprising moments.  I didn’t want to be ground on, i didn’t want to dirty dance, i wanted to watch the band and dance and let the music take me.  Also I think she was absolutely bonkers and not is an crazy sexy just a crazy scary,  Thrill Kill was a paired down group from the glory days of 9 members but it didn’t seem to matter to their long time fans as the band played hard and worked the hell out of the crowd with a mix of rock star abandon and crowd interaction.  After all this concert goer found a little bit of that right up against the stage front row insanity in the people crushed in around him from the nut job cougar to the couple Jacky - My Life with the Thrill Kill Kult Baltimore 2010 fucking next to me.  I got slapped in the face by Jacky as part of the show and loved every minute of them.  All I can say is their live show doesn’t necessarily translate well over the internet or video it has to be seen in person to feel the passion and intensity.
I would meet a few model types, on the break, make some new friends who were a cross section of sex workers, grad students, and people from every walk of life.  No one cared if you to the showed up in a Benz or a beat up old ford it was about other things not everyday life roles and status symbols. It was an escape for some a way of life for others.
As nice as all of this was it was merely a precursor to why I was really there.  I was their for one reason only and everything else while nice was foreplay for me I was there to Praise the lords.
The Lords took the stage opening up with Sex Bomb as an electric red hair she devil strutted seductively around the stage with a flogger gyrating and posing.  The crowd undulated and the music and lights danced along with us.   its ironic that one of the things about being a fan of the lords is you have to accept that the line up will change and this time around was no different with Praga being the only consistent member as usual but like any skilled high priest the rest of his musical minions lived up to their predecessors.  Lacey Conner of reality TV fame seemed comfortable in her newest role.  It is the music and the words that matter to meSpank my Booty crowd participation lords of acid baltimore 2010 not who sings and plays them with one keyboard playing exception.  The Lords is an experience it is an adventure it is for me the ultimate escape and as the cranked though the expected songs with musical precision it was the crowd that was as entertaining as the band themselves. I passed more crowd surfing little raver girls over my head than ever before.  Being there is also very much being part of the show as female audience members join the band on stage for a few numbers through out the night.
I could have kept taking pictures but a man’s got dance, let loose and get his middle aged pervert groove on.

Part 3 An Unbelievable High

The Blond grinder from the Thrill Kill set would reemerge and some of my new acquaintances would help her to the side.  A little fetish type would ask me to sodomize her against the stage while the band played.  I politely declined informing her that I have strict rules about fucking women I don’t know in the ass no matter how sexy they are.  Shelords of acid baltimore concert 2010 told me she’d find someone else I wished her luck.  I had a hot republican housewife type come up to me stating that I looked safe.  “Safe is a relative term” I told her imagining that my yuppie goodness must have been escaping by black T.  We talked, she was beautiful and somehow in that crowd had determined that I was more or less harmless.  An interesting thing to me since i actually believe that I had probably done and partaken in far more wicked and evil things than most of the people who looked the part.   I would be surrounded by sexy young dancing women around me, with me, and with each other to many people this would have looked and sounded like the bowels of hell but to me it was heaven, it was as close to the perfect setting as my dark little heart has ever dreamed. I wished the Chesty Blonde was there with me, I longed for a few other friends from both the past and present, to dance with, to imbibe with to share these few seemingly divine moments with me.
On that warm summer night in the shadows of an old industrial part of town the events described, experienced and enjoyed is about as rare moment of clarity, epiphany, and the closest thing to a genuine religious experience as I’ll probably ever have. And that my friends is why the Heroin reference of Chasing the Dragon.  Addicts spend their lives trying to replicate that first seemingly perfect high.  I may very well spend the remainder of my days looking for another night as perfect as this.    So Praise the Lords! Fuck the Rest!

Let Visual Orgy Begin.

Lords of Acid She Devil in a gas mask during the song Let's get high
Lords of Acid She Devil during Let's Get Highlords of acid w/ girls form the crowd on stage during spank my booty
lords of acid bass player M3 Baltimore 2010
lords of acid 2010 guitarist Sin Quirin
Praga Khan Lords of Acid Founder and Keyboard player at Sextreme ball 2010 Baltimore
And finally ending on a humorous note

Lords of acid singer lacey conner during the song rubber doll
The Song is Rubber Doll so She's winding up to throw the sex doll as she sings

Lacey conner of the lords of acid throwing a sex doll into the crowd
The wind up, the pitch, and the sex doll flies toward the crowd

The release and the follow through Lords of acid Rubber Doll
Look at that follow through, you have to love it when a woman hurls a sex doll at you at a high rate of speed.what is this pink shit you might ask? it is me getting hit with the rubber doll after it was thrown. Hysterical but what you should ask yourself is beside me being fucked up for thinking this is fun how sick was the dude with the dred locks to the right of me who snatched out of the the air as we threw it around, deflated and put it his back pack?

?

The Outro

So I’d quit being the observer and participated. I’d drift from the front of the room against the stage to the back of the club and back up again. but there are dark questions that probably should probably be addressed about my lifestyle, musical and sexual preferences.  Why the things that appeal to me are such a powerful force in my life, why I can’t  find the perfect pizza, My relationship with the corporate whore mongering world (thanks to Reverend John Sleestaxx for the phrase), is vodka really the drink of the Devil, how much coffee is too much and of course if you lived hard and failed to die young now what do you do.  But instead I’ll leave you with this.

Our bodies all entangled
In a grip of ecstasy
When eleven turns to midnight
I’m gonna feel that lovin’ heat
I wanna feel the good vibrations
That you put inside my head
Let’s return this for the last time
On this bed”

The Real Thing by The Lords of Acid

Lords of acid sextremeball 2010

Sexy Lingerie Picture of the Day v1.3.2

Well this one one was pre-scheduled since I knew I going to be out stupid late last night and had to start my work day entirely too early today.  After a long day of work I have an early dinner with tall raven haired type with a passion for cowboy hats and pig tails. After that who knows.
Here’s the obligatory eye candy.
Mal
btw I really love this one both the model’s backside and the skirt.

–>


Mimi Vinyl Skirt
Vinyl mini skirt with detachable garters. Features boning and lace-up details. Top not included.

Latex Allergies

This Morning we find ourselves on day two of Kink Week and starting off with another humorous tale. The audio portion of this one is well worth the listen if you love the sound of a nice English girl, I know I certainly do. You can hear the audio on the Pickle Player above or by visiting http://malflic.libsyn.com See you again in a few hours for the Mid Day Play.


Ladies and gentlemen, Masters and Mistresses and of course all of you on the receiving end of things as well. Today our little story begins like this…

Once upon a time a particular lady who had become fairly well known within certain circles of her twisted little community over recent years was widely renowned for loving strut around munches, play parties, and other social functions in full fetish regalia. You do have to love gatherings with a private room don’t you?

She one night she encountered, as you might imagine from the title, a small problem.

After all she was a very sexy creature. Dangerously high heels and boots gave way to long legs adorned in a second skin of leather, latex, or PVC. Although her knickers usually left very little to the imagination when it came to her body’s form, they and all of her other assets so to speak certainly caused more than their fair shares of imaginations to lose themselves in other even more mischievous thoughts. Her matching tops, ample chest and typically exposed cleavage (with pierced perky nips) didn’t hurt either.

Now with all the slapping and smacking, the looks and word play, the wicked torturous little devices and all those other delightfully sinful games that get played, her very diverse wardrobe only added to her allure and popularity.

She was a fun Girl always up for a little give and a bit of take as well if you know what mean.

Some people have a few sets of play clothes, she had enough to outfit the entire community, and she was from a fucking big city. One with a well established scene, where she liked to parade around like the queen of the club. Although there were a few other “queens” who might disagree. But those boys had a completely different taste in play friends.

At the end of one particularly long torrid evening that was filled with loud music, a bit too much dancing, a few too many pints, an assortment of friends, and a few other things she found her way home. Sadly but by choice alone mind you. Beauty sleep going in to a busy week end is never a bad idea.

Out of the cab, up the steps and in to the cold air of her flat she furiously pulled open her top coat like some perverted old flasher and it was strewn over the arm of the sofa before she closed the door behind her. Personally I think if it weren’t for stuffy old farts, and people hiding sexy outfits under them long coats would have faded from sight years ago.

Think about that next time you’d sitting on a crowded train. It’ll help pass the time.

Well she made her way the room turned on the Tele (check for cultural accuracy), had a few more sips and began peel off her clothes, first unlacing the boots, then restrictive top, ahh freedom felt so good, and finally getting to her smudged after a long night and now not so shiny pants exposed the last of her bits and pieces to an empty room.

Noticing a few bumps. Damned razor burn! What a girl has to suffer in the name of beauty and fun. Sitting there mindlessly winding down she noticed it might be a few bumps but she was also getting itchy, a long night a lot of movement perspiration and rubbing. One doesn’t wear latex because it is a cool breathable garment. Upon further investigation, a few splotches and the start of a rash. A bloody rash!

Those are never a good thing but her mind raced nearing a panic as to why her nether regions were having such issues. No new lovers, being D&D was something she prided herself on. Never mind that her favorite monthly play party was the next day so it made things just a bit worse.

After running all the horrid possibilities through her mind she looked at the baby powder she had used to slip into her outfit, it was the same as always. The same polish she had been using for years put the sheen in her deep black mirror like pants and bustier.

Rinsing off in the shower and inspecting the condition a little more closely the thought that people from time to time just developed allergies occurred to her. A latex allergy wasn’t all that uncommon. How does one find out if that’s the issue? Do you just call the doctor? Imagine that conversation I think I have a latex allergy and here’s why my damn pants made me all splotchy, not to mention the implications of what one would have to for a nice safe go at things with people; and toys. And all those out fits that she loved as much as anything.

Eventually she dozes off concerned and still slept like a baby. The next morning all was fine and well. Even the damned razor burn was almost gone. So putting away her birthday suit and starting her day heads outs on a long list of errands. Still occasionally wondering what caused the condition.

Could it really be a latex allergy? Around mid day things started to bother her again, the itch and splotch were back. As she stood there wondering if it was in fact time to call the doc it occurred to her as she closed the lid on the washing machine she bought a new detergent.

We’re very happy to report that the new detergent was indeed eventually determined to be the culprit. Later that evening she opted for leather but ever since she can still be seen strutting around in latex at will with no ill effects, well that is until she starts to play but those are stripes of a different color.