Dangerously Close Revisited
So as part of cleaning up and re indexing the site to reflect relationships I’ve decided to restore this post. I am still truly sorry for any harm that I caused, I still miss her constantly and despite those things felt that the completeness of what our friendship had become and was evolving toward was not reflected genuinely here. Not restoring it seemed dishonest.
The Apology (apologies)
Sometimes you just can’t shake an image from your mind and that is how the day started. An image of her in bed, thinking of me. More specifically thinking of you being curled up on and against me. It had been a cold night, the coldest of the season so far one where any remaining hope that summer would last forever had faded and the cold and dark of winter loomed mere steps away. So this is not how this post originally read but I am not one to not admit a mistake. The original content crossed a line and hurt people that I care for an consider to be good friends. That was never my intention as I have nothing but love and respect for them.
My sincerest apologies.
So this is not how this post originally read but I am not one to not admit a mistake. The original content crossed a line and hurt people that I care for and consider to be good friends. That was never my intention as I have nothing but love and respect for them.
My sincerest apologies.
Restored Original Content
Still the vision danced there, the sensation of her heat against me, hair just beginning to be draped across her face. Lying there content and still. I drown in her eyes. I stirred, the machine gurgled to life and my addictions began to be fed in the early hours of that morning. The Television playing something mindless in the background, the phone just within reach and the glow of the reader illuminating my face.
Nothing sticks, my mind is elsewhere. To borrow the words from a few weeks back “It felt dangerous”. Not deadly, or perilous of any other form of treachery but my thoughts were in fact very dangerous and growing more so that way. A short time later, my chemical demons satisfied I handle a few simple tasks and then head off to roll around in a dark, humid, and oppressively hot room with several strangers for ninety minutes. 27 strangers on this given morning as fate would have it. I make it sound erotic but it is not, despite the collection of scantily clad nubile bodies it is the one time every week I cease to think and simply exist. It is my time of magic and escape that feeds even my hardened heart and jet black soul.
The car stops, the shades are cast aside and like a cliché movie vampire I make my way cautiously through the sun light, waiting for the eternity that is probably not more than 30 step to get me away from the cursed light of day and into the warm yellow hued light and earth tone rooms that await. The door swings open I step in and am ready to begin my retreat into nothingness. Malflic
“good morning Mal” four voices ring out. It stuns me, this choir of voices pulling me from my flight of fancy preparing to simply be, I snapped back into the thinking world. Two Blondes, two brunettes all in very little clothing that left very little about their physical forms to the imagination. “We were just talking about you” the one with soft pure white sand color hair offers. Near or at their physical state of perfection all are blatantly younger than me. The Carnal me tries to rise asking why women this age would be discussing a man like me. I push him back into the depths.
Putting aside the fact that it was greatly unnerving that they knew me by name even though I had never spoken to any of them. I turned on my public charm “well that makes me a very lucky fellow” I smile chat for a few seconds, flirting harmlessly and in my typical gentlemanly fashion. Offering nothing tangible about myself then excuse myself wanting to go lay in the dark and retreat inward again as my body begins to bake. I love being anonymous, even in crowed public places I can be and often am completely alone with y thoughts. Quickly stripping and redressing soon I am in that coveted place but by now there were other ghosts haunting me. Last week an old friend was there, we’d not seen each other in a few years but it wasn’t the prospect of seeing them again. That was a harmless, a nonevent on the spectrum of cosmic disasters.
No; the voice that I heard when first coming to life that morning was there again, in my head, lying against me in the dark, in the warmth. I retreat further inward but she Is there waiting for me. She is too close, knows me too well. Not the public me, or the persona, or even the closely guarded private me. She is past all that. She is close…dangerously close and sees the complete unvarnished person.
The room fills around me and I lay there motionless thinking, my mind is my best friend and my worst enemy. It feeds my demons and my soul all at once. Breathe in the good to nourish the bad….. I move through life for the most part with grace and ease. With station and hard fought for status and privilege. From the outside it looks perfect, effortless, natural and well scripted…. “Good morning”
Nothingness escapes me despite my best efforts as I catch glances of those I had been speaking with earlier. They smile back. I am damned and women are my weakness, it is not the ones that are passing acquaintances that stay with me it is the ones I let close. It is the messages and plans for the coming weeks and months. It is thoughts about where the line is and where it is becoming blurred. Being in a relationship or even a friendship with me requires great caution. I am dangerous. Beyond the manners and grace, beyond the benefits of how I live lies challenges, constant changes, other requirements that can… Damn you! Your voice rings in my ears…nothingness today is only filled with you…things that cannot be ignored. Being more than that nodding acquaintance despite my best intentions requires infinite patience, it requires the understanding that no matter how cherished you are the day will come when…damn this and your ghost I can’t let go. The little brunette is smiling at me…I doubt she is any more internally focused than I am. I CLOSE MY EYES, CLEAR MY MIND AND MELT INTO THE EARTH. Or try to anyhow.
A chuckle escapes my resting body at the thought of how there should be a picture of me next to “it’s complicated” in the urban dictionary. I want to consume you, to have things I cannot have, want things that should not be to blur lines and cross others. Inner peace is not in the cards for me; the demands of the next hours flood in, the activities that will be required, the things that must be done.
The voice tells me to consider the divine with in, I scoff loudly at the thought in my own mind knowing that there is no good without evil, that gods cannot exist without devils and that every point has a counter point. The divine with in me is not likely to be a benevolent sea of tranquility. No I am like a raging storm, filled with fury. Beautiful and essential in its own twisted way. Nothingness does not exist as I take a stroll through the nicest parts of hell. All of it is nothing but madness running towards me…I am nothing if not the embodiment of temptation. And we all, both Sinner and Saints are getting dangerously close to the edge.
The shower washes me clean, frees my mind, talking and cavorting on the way out. Charming and well-mannered all while inside my fucked up mind is running faster and faster toward madness, crashing through the boundaries if only in my mind. Your voice and ghost are waiting in the car, dangerously close. I smile and drive away taking you with me, hope you are well rested we have a very busy day.