What Are My Limits?
The load of forces
Carry me over the top
and i’m going
hard to stop I’m hungry
I’m hungry for your touch
Feel the rhythm, feel the soul
Lords of Acid Take Control”
“Take Control” off the “Lust” by the Lords Of Acid. Praise the Lords, Fuck the Rest.
Ok with that setup and mantra out of the way let’s jump right in. Usually when i write these pieces it is certainly an extension of self, insight to wants thoughts, hopes and desires. This one will be both the replay of what was a very hot scene and also insight as to why. So let’s join the Sexy Little Temptress as things are about to start.
“I’m going to kiss you and when we stop the scene is going to begin.” her long flowing skirt a nod to summer, her tank top already teasing him with her well tanned cleavage. She was wrapped in his arms and they had started to connect already. It was if her sexy little body had a magic to it beyond her intoxicating shape and erotically charged mind.
He had given these very moments more than their proper allotment of thought. He did like how she had taken to pressing herself against him connectively. He had replayed everything he knew about her, what she had said, implied, and otherwise. He may miss things from time to time; everyone does. Yet Words she had spoken about how a previous partner had learned not to to over inform her of his plans prior to a scene stuck with him. She had actually said that during their first date a few blocks from his place. The explanation of knowing what her limits were and then playing inside them made the best experiences for her.
While the entire outing would be about her as usual but this time part of that would be a leap forward, a play at power. At control and in his own subtle way dominating her. The Sexy Little Temptress was about to experience was him not just playing in their wonderful way but for the first time he was going to take control.
There is a wonderful thing in familiarity, routine and ritual. And though he never ask if he odds are she would have expected him to start with rope. A little bondage to reconnect, to feel her body tremble with each pass and pull.
He wanted inside her head, he wanted her to feel safe and cared for but he also wanted her to have a new and memorable experience, perhaps one that excited her unexpectedly, that was new for them. One of pleasure, after all she does love pleasure and the pursuit of orgasms. Often mixed or in exchange for pain.
Their lips separated and he looked down in her beautiful dark eyes. The curls of her hair cascading away from her face, the cute and curious little grin beaming back up at him.
“Are you ready to begin?” she agreed and with that he spun her around. His hands on her hips. She tried to twist back to kiss him again. There would be plenty of time for that as he led her to where she could see the world then bent her over, swatted her still covered bottom. He loved bending her over; she looked so sexy, alluring, and well tempting to him.
Everytime she was in this position, standing, kneeling or on all fours it took a huge act of self control to simply not plunge his cock into her.
Her dress was lifted with great care and caution, positioned just so. A few quick light spanks on her now bared bottom before his hand slid between her legs but over her thong. She had his number, sexy panties, a skirt to lift. His hands tracing slowly fown the length of her legs, finger tips dancing gently across the back of her thighs. Then a smack on her bottom. Plams barely touching her running in perfect tandem from the small of her back, across the pink spots from the spanks on her sexy little ass he settled into his rythym hand slapping on her backside working to cover it in a building mix of heat and sting. Then switching tect and tracing, across the delicate inside of her upper thighs. Downward his hands continued across her calves. His hands drwan back upwards and between her thighs. He stop to adjust her hands, widen her stance, have make her offer even better acess to her still thong covered pussy. His hand offered firm pressure against her growing wetness, then would go back to slaps on her bottom, or caresses of her legs.
Soon her panties would be lowered and her skirt would be shed, he stripped her slowly and then palced her back on display, drinking her in before refocusing on touching her. He could feel her melting, he could feel her surrender not only to the pleasure and the pain of his touch but to him.
He would strip her completely. Their seemingly natural dynamic of clothed male naked female once again took place. He fucked her pussy with his fingers, with drew and traced her inner and out lips, fingered her some more and then as if on cue stood her up, backed her up against a wall of windows and watched her face contort with pleasure. A gentle slap with his bare hand between her thighs.
Her reaction was noted. He was going to have to try that a little more. He could see her focus. Feel her trying to orgasm again. A bare hand spanking for her pussy was somewhere in her future.
Now though it was her bottom that was going to be spanked. In time he would lead her to the couch. She stood there and as soon as he made a move to take her across his kneed to have her sexy little bottom spanked she fell into position.
He pinned her between his legs, one hand firmly on her back ensuring she knew she was pinned in place long before she would think to challenge him from the stinging spanks on her backside. He was in control, and she knew it. His hand again dipped between her thighs teasingly. A reminder of how exposed she was. A taste of pleasure before another dose of pain.
The spanks landed slowly, well spaced, but solidly on her reddening bottom. He was warming her up for what was about to come.
Soon enough she would melt into his lap, moans of pleaure mixed with a tensed body from the spanks landing on her now glowing bottom. A hair past pink. Her sit spot glowing a lovely light shade of red in contrast to her creamy white thighs and upper cheeks. His wide thick hand the perfect size to cover her entire bottom if he really wanted. He squuezed her ass and then carefully released her and put her back on her feet.
Again focusing on not merely topping but truly dominating her the theme of taking control in subtle yet intense and connective ways continued. She was dizzy not literally but sexually. His begining had taken her by surprise, took her off balance in a delicious and unexpected way. Now they were wrapped in each others arms and kissing like lovers. Having taken her to thenedhlge orbpleasure and crashing over it repeatedly already.
He stepped back and again slid behind her. First taking one hand and drawing it slowly and surely behind her back. Then the other until they over lapped.
“Don’t let go” don’t let go he advised her. Not hint of the consequences or if there would be any. These games always have twists, turns, and fun or otherwise consequences.
Her chest thrust foward and on full display caresses turn to pinching as she stood there. Moaning in delight, arms still behing her back, he cupped her breasrs then spinning her to face the art on the wall. His hands explored her from throat to thigh. He windedned her stand and slid his fingers back into her, noting her arousal, her pleasure and her restraint. How she obeyed.
After some time finishing her latestest orgasm with a few more thrusts, a couple of spanks. The color that was alredy fading bottom. He kissed her deeply, aggressively, and perhaps a bit demandingly but she took ever flick of his tounge in stride.
In time after more pleasure for her he slid in behind her ans she rubbed his cock through his shorts. Being crafty she managed to do so while keeping her hands in place. He savored the sensations. He lingered behind her a few more moments she twisted to kiss him. He stepped back and around her and she followed. Moving her hand in front of her. Their eyes met and with an evil gring her stated.
“look whay uou’ve done. You let go. Oh now I have to punish you. What should i DO TO YOU?”
Ahh welcome back readers. Have you been having some wicked fun? I certianly hope so. After all summer is supposed to be VERY HOT. Speaking of which it’s about time to rejoin our Anti Hero’s. Lack of heat is not something they suffer from as you’ll see. So in the interest of raising things a few degrees and making this summer just that much hotter we offer a tale of pleaure, permission, and much to the Sexy Little Tempress’ dismay a touch of denial. Have no fear she wasn’t denied for all that long in this tale of Teasing, Permission to Orgasm, and Denial.
They entered their space. The night was alive with neon lights as far as the eye could see. After a few hours of passing as merely friends in public finally being alone again was well over due. He wondered if seeing the pace of his world was something he should not have shown her yet. It is one thing to be told but another to let someone close enough to understand it’s real demands. During the early course of the night she teased him on something small and seemingly innocuous, part of everyday banter and conversation. It was cute and well timed. He simply laughed, dared to look her in the eyes and yet again risked drowning in them then responded for all to hear “it’s complicated”! Which was both true in a vanilla sense and more of an inside joke between them than anyone else in ear shot would’ve imagined.
Now though he had the pleasure of helping her undress. Her top tossed uncermoniously across the bedroom. He sat on the edge of the bed, she stood there stealing kisses and smiling at him as he peeled off her tank top. Not long after that reaching behind her irreverently removing her bra. Then with one nipple in his mouth he pinched the other just hard enough and plac ed his free hand on her crotch. Literally feeling the heat of her lust penetrating through the denim.
Of course her tender and overly sensitive nipples (due to a long session of rough play the day before) “needed” some more of his attention.
After a few mintues he stripled her out of her jeans, once again baring the Sexy Little Temptress ‘s mesmerizing ass to “inspect” her for marks. After all she had taken quite a spanking right before bed the night before. It had even crept into her dreams. And several intense sessions over the previous days.
No marks but still very sore, of course he would take full advantage of that later. So it was rope to start. Two quick wrist cuffs and then making the most of their play space he led the temptress through its vastness with purpose. A veritable dungeon theme park.
She’s tied, more or less in place arms spread wide into a T wrists bound and kneeling on a large bench. Her legs are coaxed wider as she kneels there her locks cascading onto her shoulders, her flesh cool to the touch from too much air-conditioning. Her gorgeous and sore bottom pushes outward and his hand slides between her legs, teasingly. The set up was the stuff of a great bondage scene. And she had been well beaten and pleasured the previous two days now he was going to do something new.
She would swim endlessly in orgasms if he let her, and that was typically as you’ve read by now his inclination. His hand danced lighly ascoss her pussy. He stroked her and she pressed towards him, he denied her. Drew in closer and in a voice that was both kind and controlling at the same time. “You are not allowed to cum tonight with out permission”
She murmured her disappointment. “Do you understand?” She responded “yes i am not allowed to orgasm with out asking; and getting permission.”. This was new, not something necessarily negotiated before hand. Instead it was a place he went to based on a few passing comments in a note and a conversation. She had every right to tell him to fuck off. But she played along .
He touched ever so lighly. All part of controlling her pleasure, of building up to take her to the place of deep intense release but on his terms and time frame. His hand slid into her slowly and just enough. And after endouring the various tourture of his caress it was time to move her.
The ropes loosend from the couch but each wrist still bound in it its own single column cuff and then passed across across her palm giving her something to hold onto and pull against. “What should I tie you up to next?”
After all it was her scene and her answer would provide insight into her wants, needs and desires. After her insightful input he placed her on the floor using the solid legs on a heavy sofa for to raise her arms above her head but together. During the scene she would draw them across her face and look away as she floated in to that deeply erotic space. Then spreading each leg wide into an “X” and adding rope to them to more or less hold her in place. Less than perfect ties, not overly strict binding but still more than enough to keep her excatly where he wanted.
The real game was about to begin and as her incredibly sexy tempting little body laid there he had to decide wether to take her to that edge release quickly with the assistance of a favorite vibrator ot to build up and deny her. Slowly bullding then abandoning the releases she would crave.
Of course choosing to devour her slowly seemed like so much more fun. “Remember you need permission to cum” he reminded her as his finger tips passed across her stomach, up the side of her ribs and then across her sore, aching, and aroused nipples.
“What about multiples?” She asked in all sincerity. For the first time he was certian she was truly his in a differnt way. She wanted to please him. A submission different than from up until that point. For a few moments she was only his. It was a chance to live in the moments and she was once again all that existed.
“You may have multiples. But have to get permission to cum again when they end.”
And his hands began to move across every inch of her body from the top of her neck with a few finger tips, to the caress of his palms along her hips that all too often he had thought of grabing roughly from behind while plunging his cock into her quick and deeply in an crescendo of pace and controlled frenzy pursuing his own pleasure. That fantasy faded quickly as he went back to the task at hand. Drinking in her body, her surrender and at the same time not letting her drift too far from the present by asking questions.
He began and then stopped, he could feel her begin to tense…the pace changed, the caresses changed, he would stop completely. For just a few seconds bwfore starting again or starting something new.
After a while he took to tracing the tip of l his tounge up her legs from calf to thigh. Pausimg and biting…just hard enough those delicious spot just beyond her thigh but not yet her pussy. He movEd fluidly beween her legs teasing, his mouth resting across her sex, his breath dacing across her short dark pubes, his tounge maddeningly barely passing between her outer lips at a lanquid pace. A tease, a good lick or three, then nothing. Then again and as she moaned he’d move.
He shifted effortlessly back next to her and sunk a finger into her, slow, controlled and sensing she was at her edge repeated the motion. She asked to orgasm and he granted it instantly.
Over the the coming hour he would edge her and stop. Finger her both hard and fast and slow and lanquid again and again her the word “please” never sounded sweeter than when she pleaded to cum. He spanked her pussy with his hand edging her and them using the same mix ofbpain amd stimulationbto a shaking loud orgasm. After permission was granted of course. Her legs pulled and the heavy chairs she was tied to inward. Hebwould adjust them back out wider amd begin again. She would throw her face away from him. Hide in her hair and he brought her back to him being more than just a source of pleasure as his left hand grabbed her throat. His right drove two thick fingers in to her tight and completely drenched pussy.
Each time she asked he decided in the moment wether to deny her completly, grant instant permission, or to make her wait for a breif moment that felt like small enternities. Power play with pleasure not pain.
The scene ended with a hard multipe that was driven with unyielding speed they collasped next to each other. His white shirt soaked in sweat, her body tepid to the touch but hyper sensitive to pleasure. After catching his breath he untied her slowly.
Lying there next to her he toyed with a compression tie on one of her lovely breasts. As a unapoken test really. Never intending to complete it but to make sure even in a heightened state of arousal that he could trust her to communcate when something wasn’t working for her. She did and he smiled to himself removed the rope, gave her a good pinch and then led her to bed where she laid covered and calm in a state of bliss while he headed back to a few requirents of his reality.
It was Sunday night after the Orlando attack and while discussing the event and day’s press conferences Oleander Plume’s tweet about doing something productive appeared in my twitter feed. “Love is Love” It was a beautiful image that summed up exactly how I felt as I sat there and worried about friends and family and the stupidity of the world
So i took her wondeful graphic and call to share it “freely and widely” retweeted it. Then texted it to a few family members and friends. And in a moment of daring put it up as my profile picture on my vanilla accounts and of course linked to her blog. Look it’s not hard even on those accounts to know where my views stand. The blonde and I have been openly support equality for years (and pre social media going back to a vote in Missouri in the mid 2000’s). While we may differ on kink, and our views on Poly relationships this is one place where we are completely aligned.
So what you would expect happened. Gay friends liked it, theater friends shared it, artists and kinsters selectively did the same. Not all of us can be out as supporters due to day jobs, family pressures etc. And truth be told some people dm’d me about my and my children’s souls, un friended me, and you know what? That’s life.
Then this morning the most wondefulbtjing happened. More folks than could have been imagined changed their avi to Oleander’s graphic. They shared and liked it more and more even as the “we are Orlando” filter was added.
Few things truly warm my heart. Seeing this and knowing in some small way something I did evoked small tokens of love and support.
Love is love.
Sent from my Sprint Samsung Galaxy S® 6 edge.
If you want to blame a life of deviant sexual behavior and interest in rope bondage on one thing you have to look no further than the influence of Snidely Whiplash from the Rocky and Bullwinkle Show. Which were of course the first bondage videos I watched and I’ve been tying people up and to things ever since. Fortunately railroad tracks aren’t typically one of them. Also just to prove that Alice actually is allowed to wear more than a a bra and panties on occasion here’s a pic of her sporting a shirt from Bastard Ropes that caters to that very theme. Showing that just maybe I’m not the only one who got their kinky start from cartoons.
Click the Lips to see all the other sexy sinners
A Brief Intro and some Assumptions
So I see you’re a masochist. How did I know? Well for starters you’re here reading this totally irreverent not at all to be taken seriously and I’m really just procrastinating from doing other work “Essential Sex Toy Soup Reading Companion”. Then again maybe if it’s good enough the Chicken Soup people will be inspired and think I could actually help someone’s soul, So lube up, sit down (or bend over or lay on your back, really it’s not a scene you pick your position of choice) Can you imagine the speaking tour with me throwing hot soup and gigantic phallic symbols at an unsuspecting god fearing audience? It would be more fun than the law probably would allow! Especially in Alabama. Anyhow since there probably isn’t a Soup and Dildo Ted talk in my future let’s begin with Part One the Utter Fail. Oh and if you don’t want to read my BS and just look at pictures go Perv the Sex Toy Soup Sinful Sunday Post.
Part One The Utter Fail –
Well It’s that time of the month and Molly puts out the sinful Sunday Prompt on Sex Toys. Instantly I know what I’m going to to do. A spoof on the “Our Little Secret” Album Cover from the Lords of Acid. After all I love the Lords! Most people miss the Cock going down the leg the first few times they see the album cover eapecially if its the fold out version tjstbstops at barebstomach and thebfick me dirty look. Well I get the bright idea that recreating it with a giant dildo down each leg will be twice as hysterical! So working with that in mind I begin to plan the “Our Little Secrets” post. See the “S“? Plural, two cocks right? More sex toys stuffed down my jeans in a picture is truly the stuff of comedic genius!
Look Up! See the Cock hiding on her leg? Hard to miss right?
So after much reflection, soul searching and intellectual debate I decide the bring “Big Pink” the giant hot pink dildo hidden on most of my profile pics for years out of retirement. Plus it’s the biggest one we own. So still in need of a giant second cock began rifling through our toy bags like a size queen at a stud market. Finally opting for the Tantus Vamp.
The next step was to set up the camera. Then off to find my gray jeans that were skin tight last time I wore them. In an act of mercy decided to spare the world a view of my bare midriff belly since I’m built more like Buddha than an underwear model. So with great care, concern and planning too the two giant Dildos that would run from crotch to a few inches above my knee and positioned them inside my boxer briefs, adjusting my own junk out of the way in the process. It was hysterical, one pink and one blue cock peeking out. So I slipped into my jeans and then it hit me. “Fuck, to these jeans feel awfully loose”.
Folks healthy living, moderation in many things, and exercise including yoga and running are wonderful things. As fate would have it I’ve dropped a few moreq pounds which makes my cardiologist happy and might make me more attractive to some however the problem with that is when you wanted tight jeans and apparently you have lost 2-3 inches off each thigh in the past few months and you can no longer get a decent dick print in your jeans even with two huge sex toys stuffed in your boxers and running down your thighs. Fuck, Fuck Fuck!
I changed camera angles, I tried to find bigger sex toys…but let’s face it the ones I already picked were about as big as anyone I play with would want to have inserted into them. I tried to find skinnier jeans…and stopped just short slipping into my winter running tights and looking like some 80’s hairband reject….but no one really needs to see that. As Fleet wood Mac once put it. “I can’t Sing, I ain’t pretty and my legs are thin.” which for me in a relatively new phenomena. So my hilariously fiendish “Our Little Secrets” post was officially foiled by the fact that while my legs were thinner yet they were still not sticks like the Model from the album cover that served as inspiration (and probably never will be) yet were too thin for anything I owned to give a decent dick print in. First world deviant problems. Sex Toys would require a different approach.
Part 2 Why Warhol (AGAIN!)
So it’s Wednesday morning, 4:58am Local time to be specific. There are 14 ounces of coffee waiting for me but no sweetener on the counter. I slide open the pantry and right there at eye level is the moment of inspiration. Now If I was really Warhol it would have happened on a 8 day bender during an orgy and I’d have stolen the idea from some younger more talented guy. But let’s face it I’ll never be that cool or that stoned so it was a still sleepy pre coffee induced haze and an eye level can of soup that caused the inspiration. This time though I was going to be “authentic”. And by authentic I mean actually do the editing myself using a real program, hand picking every color, and then add a snappy little phrase onto each one. Which only after the fact did I realize was more a a Vonnegut thing than Warhol but hey ho. I consider them both to be among my favorite artists so I stayed the course.
Along the way I have been thinking about two recent posts of mine. Both daring for me in their own way. Most recently was “Rough” which gave a dark look into how I see myself despite how I present myself to the world. I used a pre-made “Warhol” editor on that one. I found it interesting that women who know me and see the polished me found something attractive in a picture I did not. It was a pleasant surprise. Additionally something about Maria’s comment on how art that makes the artist uncomfortable is what makes for great art from my “Only the Tip” picture has really really stuck with me. Then came a tweet from HT-Honey for “edited opportunity” that referenced a session at Eroticon by Molly on editing. I am a notorious non editor (both of written word and photographs) and saw this as a chance to force myself into something new.
So really why Sex Toys and Warhol – Well both have been big influences in my life. Sex and Sex Toys more than Andy but still. When I go to my home city which is often i find myself dawn to the museum that bears his name more than any other…any where for that matter . And I still find myself despite this wonderful age of online shopping can be found wondering across the rivers and bridges by tje Warhol to the old streets with the porn shops from a by gone era to look at toy’s the modern me would never buy due to their low quality, jelly based, less than obvious sex toy nebulous substances.. Taking cocks and cheap pocket pussies out of the equation. Warhol’s ability to change, and even abandon previously successful works and styles has always fascinated me. I am always wanting or trying to reinvent myself professionally. Much of the works while innovative for the period aren’t nearly as edgy or even as technically proficients as his contemporaries or the great masters. Yet his ability to live his own odd life appeals to me. In many waysnitbisbwhatbibdo…live differently. And it is the year of the Orgasm. There are a few reviews that need to be published that we’ve played with and hopefully some more to do after that.
Part 3 Dildos, and Butt Plugs and Soup Cans, OOOOOO MY Fucking….wait Just “Oh My”
Thick Dildo Soup – Sure to Fill You Up – All of the pictures were actually edited using Gimp and also infran view for the colorization, I found the swap color feature there worked much better for me as a novice and then they were of course resized for the web. This one featured the Previously mentioned The Tantus Vamp . To be honest it’s not a favorite of thethe Blonde as she prefers slimmer toys but I like the look and reaction the size gets when we have used it.
Waves of Pleasure in Your Soup.- Really I wanted to follow the slogan with MMMMMMMMM Oh my Fucking God Good! But figured that might be a bit much. This time opting to returned the can to more or less it’s original color scheme and accentuate the Blue Echo Dildo with orange highlights.
The two Butt Plug Themed Creations were again created using Tantus Sex Toys and in this care both were from the Perfect Plug Kit. Which is really why this post exists. Because I’ve been putting the review for the plugs. Not for any real reason other than I just don’t feel like writing something structured and chose to pursue something frivolous and slightly more fun that dimensions. Much like the first piece the color of the toy is unedited. Instead I built the other color scheme’s around it. in “a Bigger Buzz” after the fact it struck me as ironic the color choice for the can which could just as easily have been a Florida vacation resort’s mix (Pink and Blue) as well as an Age players. The Background of Blue and yellow was again serendipity but matches the Marriage Equality stickers from a few years back that still adorn a few things around the house.
Part 4 Houston I think We have a Sex Toy Problem
So let’s review – My jeans are too loose, my sex toys would not leave the quality of dick print I wanted. I have intentionally copied Warhol and accidentally mimicked Vonnegut. It may be unspoken but I have fought the urge to use sex toys along with Presidential Election propaganda. Mainly because most educated people know those running are all dorks anyway. And now ratherrather than ramble on i guess it’s time to get back to writing something that is a but more useful.
First a Vonnegut Work
And Finally A Copy of Warhol’s Work that inspired this load of BS
We’ll It’s time for this months Sinful Sunday Theme Submission. The prompt was essentially Sex Toys and seeing as my state of mind is still askew from even my version of normal I opted to take the Andy Warhol Theme from last week one (or four) steps furthers and create a Series of Sex Toy Soup Themed images playing on his interpretation of the Campbell’s Soup can. After all what is more American then Pop Art Stolen from another Person’s idea, Campbell’s Soup, Dildos and Butt Plugs all put together?
For anyone who is interested and truly in jest there is the “The Essential Sex Toy Soup Reading Companion”. Ok part 3 is really just to remind myself how I did this as much anything. Also there’s some humorous insight into why the fuck I put Dildo’s and Butt Plugs into a Sex Toy Soup themed Post. The short answer is “Plan A” Didn’t work.
Click the Lips to see all the other very sexy sinners!
The Triumphant Return of Mr Insensitive
Trigger Warning – This post deals with the Divorce or two couples we know. While accurate is a bit cold and detached because well I’m kind of an asshole and additionally they really are not part of our lives and I’m not “involved” with with any the parties
Setting the record straight I have very rarely claimed to not be an asshole. Let’s first look at the Month of May. I was home on nights of the 7th and 8th. The Night of the 13th and all day on the 14th and 15th. And then the 27th until now but in that case the Chesty Blonde didn’t get home until the 30th. So now that we’ve established I’m an Asshole with no life let’s pick back up on the Night of the 30th at a Mexican place about a mile from the house.
This post started as a tweet in case it looks familiar. But was worth expanding on
TCB- “X and Y are getting divorced”
Mister Insensitive – “They’re both Assholes, so I can see that.”
So in this case X and Y actually have already been mentioned because it was their “situation” that was the basis of the Bad Marriage Advice post.
TCB “ Doesn’t that bother you? Not even a little bit?”
Mister Insensitive – “Nope” hoping this was the end of this conversation.
Oh look here he comes in a German Luxury Sedan, it is the triumphant return of Mr Insensitive! So while I’m being an uncensored dick let’s be completely honest., I don’t really know either of them on any meaningful level beyond their names, and the fact I liked their dog. I “tolerated” them at a few functions but had absolutely no desire to put up with her constant and obvious need for endless high drama bullshit or his chain smoking, whiskey bottle gulping, drunken frat boy antics. So the fact I could care less that they were having martial issues really is on the same scale as my concern for anything they were doing. Did I mention their one redeeming factor was I like their dog? In fact I like most dogs more than most people so it’s probably not a shock. So as far as I was concerned they should have fun, be who they are, I’ll be at a safe distance.
In others words. Not only was I not in any way emotionally invested in their domestic bliss any more than I am on the latest the mayoral election in Krakow Poland…I could really not have given less of a shit in general. It has no bearing on anything in my selfish little universe. So other than not wishing them any harm I was about as indifferent as possible.
TCB was obviously looking for more from me. I could tell by her expression.
Me – “I saw the moving truck on Saturday…or Sunday. Not sure which. Figured something was going on.”
TCB – “So what do you really think?”
Me – I hope he’s fucking that bar tender she accused him of liking. And maybe six or seven of her slutty friends.”
TCB – “How do you know she has six or seven slutty friends?”
Me “Actually I don’t know for a fact that she has six or seven slutty friends. But as a rule of thumb I figure everyone has six or seven slutty friends. (I proceed to name hers) unless they’re like me and are lucky and have far more.” Note she is not amused by either my ability to tell her which of her friends are slutty (and their is never the implication that that is in any way a bad thing) or by the fact that according to “normal” standards all of mine are. Which I think is wonderful because despite being an asshole I think freedom of sexual expression makes the world a better place.
I hit a nerve, so rather than solve what the issue was dipped a chip in Salsa, eyed the queso and a jalapeno , and wondered where my carnitas verde was. The topic shifts to something else. 10 minutes later. She adds out of no where “R&R are getting divorced.” Now I see the real issue. Unlike the couple we had been discussing this is one we’ve known for 15+ years, have ties to one’s family (one is the brother of one of her best friends who happens to be married to my old drummer.), Lil and their kids played together, we went to the beach with our extended families, and countless other things. This time I decided to think before answering.
Then in my usual sensitive fashion “ Hell I’d divorce him just to escape his family”. It was said only half in jest. I love his family, they are wonderful people but I could never function inside that high level closely intertwined type of structure. As an outsider I can come and go from those functions and enjoy it. Unlike them who have to be at the same place to see the same people at the same time every week, it is just not my style. Fuck I’m lucky if I know what State or Country I’m going to be in let alone having to be at So and So’s house for 6 hours every Sunday.
TCB – “They were in counseling for… a very long time. It’s been really hard on him.”
Now I felt bad but I’m a realist and partnerships often don’t work in romance, life, or business.
“Too much pressure” I offered. The Blonde looked at me, obviously not following.
“He’s putting too much pressure on himself. No one on either side of his family has ever gotten a divorce. So fucking Catholic. All guilt and suffering. People break up all the time. It sounds mutual and as civil as possible. So one moved out and they’ll both move on. The kids are older so no real disruption to their lives and routines. They both work and there is little income disparity so the financial burden isn’t terrible. Assets are pretty basic. It should be fairly clean and easy.”
TCB “ That is really cold.” She paused “ but accurate. It’s scary how your mind works. Everything is some type of transaction or another, a calculation of liabilities and exposure against gains.”
Me – “ You think my mind is scary from out there try living with it for a day” I laughed but wasn’t kidding. I know I’m an asshole, I know all too well what floats through my thoughts, and at even the most inopportune times exactly how calculating it can be. A walking actuary table. It is an occupational hazard, a byproduct of what I am more or less “made to do”. Lions Hunt prey, I analyze situations and structure deals. Sometimes those terms are cruel though usually they are very fair. Still ugliness is part of every agreement. Puts and Takes.
Am I happy either couple is getting divorced? Of course not. In one case there truly is no feelings on the matter, their situation is little more than a passing head line on a news story I won’t read. The other sure it’s sad, Shit happens, and being a cold heartless prick. Maybe it’s for the better. Perhaps both will ultimately be infinitely happier. Sometimes happily ever after is somewhere different than where the story begins.
And that is probably what upset her, the fact that I know and accept that so easily. The fact that I didn’t offer platitudes or reassurances of any kind. At the time it was not intentional I was a lion looking at a wounded gazelle; hungry or not there was another meal. And like the lion I was doing what nature made me to do, looking at the assets and finding the upside or limiting the damage. Happy endings are for massages and Disney movies. Me I like pixies and nymphs…they’re more my speed and very erotic little creatures. And there my friends you have the triumphant return of Mr Insensitive. Hope fully the next installment will involve more pixies and nymphs fornicating and less divisions of assets and dead gazelles (or relationships).