The Essential Sex Toy Soup Reading Companion

A Brief Intro and some Assumptions

So I see you’re a masochist.  How did I know?  Well for starters you’re here reading this totally irreverent not at all to be taken seriously and I’m really just procrastinating from doing other work “Essential Sex Toy Soup Reading Companion”.   Then again maybe if it’s good enough the Chicken Soup people will be inspired and think I could actually help someone’s soul,  So lube up, sit down (or bend over or lay on your back, really it’s not a scene you pick your position of choice)  Can you imagine the speaking tour with me throwing hot soup and gigantic phallic symbols at an unsuspecting god fearing audience?   It would be more fun than the law probably would allow! Especially in Alabama. Anyhow since there probably isn’t a Soup and Dildo Ted talk in my future let’s begin with Part One the Utter Fail. Oh and if you don’t want to read my BS and just look at pictures go Perv the Sex Toy Soup Sinful Sunday Post.

Part One The Utter Fail –

Well It’s that time of the month and Molly puts out the sinful Sunday Prompt on Sex Toys.   Instantly I know what I’m going to to do.  A spoof on the “Our Little Secret” Album Cover from the Lords of Acid.  After all I love the Lords!  Most people miss the Cock going down the leg the first few times they see the album cover eapecially if its the fold out version tjstbstops at barebstomach and thebfick me dirty look. Well I get the bright idea that recreating it with a giant dildo down each leg will be twice as hysterical!  So working with that in mind I begin to plan the “Our Little Secrets” post.  See the “S“? Plural, two cocks right?  More sex toys stuffed down my jeans in a picture is truly the stuff of comedic genius!
Lords of Acid Our Little Secrect Album Cover

Look Up! See the Cock hiding on her leg?  Hard to miss right?

  So after much reflection, soul searching and intellectual debate I decide the bring “Big Pink” the giant hot pink dildo hidden on most  of my profile pics for years out of retirement.  Plus it’s the biggest one we own.  So still in need of a giant second cock began rifling  through our toy bags like a size queen at a stud market.   Finally opting for the Tantus Vamp.

Big Pink Dildo Warhol Style Edits
Big Pink – My Version of Where’s Waldo (or Dildo) in Pictures for Years and Years

The next step was to set up the camera. Then off to find my gray jeans that were skin tight last time I wore them.  In an act of mercy decided to spare the world a view of my bare midriff belly since I’m built more like Buddha than an underwear model.  So with great care, concern and planning too the two giant Dildos that would run from crotch to a few inches above my knee and positioned them inside my boxer briefs, adjusting my own junk out of the way in the process.  It was hysterical, one pink and one blue cock peeking out. So I slipped into my jeans and then it hit me. “Fuck, to these jeans feel awfully loose”.
Folks healthy living, moderation in many things, and exercise including yoga and running are wonderful things.  As fate would have it I’ve dropped a few moreq pounds which makes my cardiologist happy and might make me more attractive to some however  the problem with that is when you wanted tight jeans and apparently you have lost 2-3 inches off each thigh in the past few months and you can no longer get a decent dick print in your jeans even with two huge sex toys stuffed in your boxers and running down your thighs.   Fuck, Fuck Fuck!
I changed camera angles, I tried to find bigger sex toys…but let’s face it the ones I already picked were about as big as anyone I play with would want to have inserted into them.  I tried to find skinnier jeans…and stopped just short slipping into my winter running tights and looking like some 80’s hairband reject….but no one really needs to see that. As Fleet wood Mac once put it.  “I can’t Sing, I ain’t pretty and my legs are thin.”  which for me in a relatively new phenomena.  So my hilariously fiendish “Our Little Secrets” post was officially foiled by the fact that while my legs were thinner yet they were still not sticks like the Model from the album cover that served as inspiration (and probably never will be) yet were too thin for  anything I owned to give a decent dick print in.  First world deviant problems.  Sex Toys would require a different approach.

Part 2 Why Warhol (AGAIN!)

So it’s Wednesday morning, 4:58am Local time to be specific.   There are 14 ounces of coffee waiting for me but no sweetener on the counter.  I slide open the pantry and right there at eye level is the moment of inspiration.  Now If I was really Warhol it would have happened on a 8 day bender during an orgy and I’d have stolen the idea from some younger more talented guy.  But let’s face it I’ll never be that cool or that stoned so it was a still sleepy pre coffee induced haze and an eye level can of soup that caused the inspiration.    This time though I was going to be “authentic”.  And by authentic I mean actually do the editing myself using a real program, hand picking every color, and then add a snappy little phrase onto each one.   Which only after the fact did I realize was more a a Vonnegut thing than Warhol but hey ho. I consider them both to be among my favorite artists so I stayed the course.
Along the way I have been thinking about two recent posts of mine. Both daring for me in their own way.  Most recently was “Rough” which gave a dark look into how I see myself despite how I present myself to the world.  I used a pre-made “Warhol” editor on that one.  I found it interesting that women who know me and see the polished me found something attractive in a picture I did not.  It was a pleasant surprise. Additionally something about Maria’s comment on how art that makes the artist uncomfortable is what makes for great art from my “Only the Tip” picture has really really stuck with me.  Then came a tweet from HT-Honey  for “edited opportunity” that referenced a session at Eroticon by Molly on editing.  I am a notorious non editor (both of written word and photographs) and saw this as a chance to force myself into something new.
So really why Sex Toys and Warhol – Well both have been big influences in my life.  Sex and Sex Toys more than Andy but still.   When I go to my home city which is often i find myself dawn to  the museum that bears his name more than any other…any where for that matter .   And I still find myself despite this wonderful age of online shopping can be found wondering across the rivers and bridges by tje Warhol to the old streets with the porn shops from a by gone era to look at toy’s the modern me would never buy due to their low quality, jelly based, less than obvious sex toy  nebulous substances..  Taking cocks and cheap pocket pussies out of the equation.  Warhol’s ability to change, and even abandon previously successful works and styles has always fascinated me.   I am always wanting or trying to reinvent myself professionally.  Much of the works while innovative for the period aren’t nearly as edgy or even as technically proficients as his contemporaries or the great masters. Yet his ability to live his own odd life appeals to me. In many waysnitbisbwhatbibdo…live differently.   And it is the year of the Orgasm. There are a few reviews that need to be published that we’ve played with and hopefully some more to do after that.

Part 3 Dildos, and Butt Plugs and Soup Cans, OOOOOO MY Fucking….wait Just “Oh My”

Thick Dildo Soup Can A la Wathol and Sex Toy Photo Edit
Thick Dildo Soup – Sure to Fill You Up – All of the pictures were actually edited using Gimp and also infran view for the colorization, I found the swap color feature there worked much better for me as a novice and then they were of course resized for the web.   This one featured the Previously mentioned The Tantus Vamp  .  To be honest it’s not a favorite of thethe Blonde as she prefers slimmer toys but I like the look and reaction the size gets when we have used it.
Waves of Pleasure Warhol inspired Spup can with a Dildo Over itWaves of Pleasure in Your Soup.- Really I wanted to follow the slogan with MMMMMMMMM Oh my Fucking God Good!   But figured that might be a bit much.  This time opting to returned the can to more or less it’s original color scheme and accentuate the Blue Echo Dildo with orange highlights.
Tanatus Large Perfect Pplug with Vibrator Color Edited and placed on a Campbells Soup Can
The two Butt Plug Themed Creations were again created using Tantus Sex Toys and in this care both were from the Perfect Plug Kit.  Which is really why this post exists. Because I’ve been putting the review for the plugs. Not for any real reason other than I just don’t feel like  writing something structured and chose to pursue something frivolous and slightly more fun that dimensions.  Much like the first piece the color of the toy is unedited.   Instead I built the other color scheme’s around it.  in “a Bigger Buzz” after the fact it struck me as ironic the color choice for the can which could just as easily have been a Florida vacation resort’s mix (Pink and Blue) as well as an Age players.  The Background of Blue and yellow was again serendipity but matches the Marriage Equality stickers from a few years back that still adorn a few things around the house.

A Tantus perfect pluf super imposed on a soup can in a Warhol Inspired Sexy toy Photo

Part 4 Houston I think We have a Sex Toy Problem

So let’s review – My jeans are too loose, my sex toys would not leave the quality of dick print I wanted. I have intentionally copied Warhol and accidentally mimicked Vonnegut.  It may be unspoken but I have fought the urge to use sex toys along with Presidential Election propaganda.  Mainly because most educated people know those running are all dorks anyway.  And now ratherrather than ramble on i guess it’s time to get back to writing something that is a but more useful.

First a Vonnegut WorkKurt Vonnegut - Everything was Beautiful and Nothing Hurt

And Finally A Copy of Warhol’s Work that inspired this load of BS

Warhol Campbells Soup Can



4 Replies to “The Essential Sex Toy Soup Reading Companion”

  1. As soon as you mentioned the jeans I knew you were going to say they were too loose for the picture. Clearly you need to do some shopping!

  2. Lol.
    I enjoyed this post. I was in a quiet place reading my mail or I would’ve laughed out loud at the skinny jeans now too loose event. Congratulations on your weight loss. Women would be shouting from the roof tops if their skinny jeans were loose. As a woman I can say that finding your skinny jeans are too loose is definitely a sparkly kind of turn on/surprise/satisfaction present that only happens once in a while in the lives of women with lower metabolisms than a high strung ferret.
    Nice to see the male artist perspective. Warhol has always been a source of fascination yet confusion for me since I was littke, looking at his work in a museum. I loved the creative side of different colors and ideas behind it, but always wondered, “why soup cans?” Now I understand! ;).
    As to your “rough” set of photos, I have seen many a man (and some transgendered women in process) and women with that rough edge.
    It neither frightens nor bothers me. Perhaps you should physically walk out the door one night and try it on for a while. It might open up a different perspective.

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