I'm a Lousy Monogamist

I am by my very nature a lousy monogamous person.  Some people are happy and “successful” as lifelong monogamists, others are serial monogamists bouncing from one long term “committed” relationship to the next.  And well then there are those of us that are serial non monogamists.   This is the category I fall into in every single category of existence.

I am just not predisposed to wanting only one of anything.  While this is easily acceptable for things like cars, designers, rock bands, types of cuisine, and even houses it quickly gets far more complicated when it comes to relationships. I always try to be both completely open and honest and at the same time sensitive to others feelings about these things.

  So in the interest of full disclosure two things have led to this post. The first a date night with the Chesty Blonde a few weeks back that is discussed below.  A few day later the “Monogamy Issues” post by M of Cammies whose post that I could identify all too well with.

My relationships are to say the least complicated. This extends beyond romantic and kink and well into my social and professional life.  My non satisfaction with a single thing isn’t about sex it is about absolutely everything.  I work a day job that requires far more hours and commitment than most yet always have 2 or 3 side businesses up and running. Part of it is a financial hedge, part of it is I need to be doing something ALL THE DAMN TIME!  So why would any other part of life be any different?

So it is a lovely Saturday night. In a rare “we’re almost actuality acting like a couple” evening I have the Blonde all to myself. Something I am not use to and relearning how to handle and honestly how to interact with beyond the business of the day.   Our rhythm had become an after thought and despite being together for 25 years we are often out of step with each other beyond basic operations.   So a nice dinner, a great hotel room and a ridiculously early flight for me the next day.  It was time we needed as a couple and I needed on a variety of levels.

Some where in the middle of that we found ourselves in a lounge where I was being chided into have a cocktail to “relax”.   A few protests later I gave in. My drinking ban is self imposed not due to health or addiction issues.   My addictions are Money, Power, and of course caffeine.  A few cocktails later for her the topic of my relationship with the Mini One comes up. She’s a frequent topic for us.  Not in any bad way, there is no tension about my friendship.

It is no secret that we’re very good friends and have in our own way gotten closer. The conversation is polite, not jealous, and genuine inquiries.  A few relationship status type things but really just a state of the nation line of questioning, how are her kids, what are her plans for the next few weeks etc.

Then baseball talk.  I don’t watch the game so have no real contribution to the conversation. Nodding and smiling as she talks about team X vs. Y and the results and standings.   It could have been cricket and I wouldn’t have had much less to offer.

 A bit later my Siren gets brought up. “I’d really like to meet her” the Blonde insists; I shrug. Then agree maybe someday and opt not to go into a myriad of things including the fact the Blonde has bailed out on meeting her several times. Mean while I’ve not seen the Siren for any length of time since late last fall.  Honestly there is no objection to the Blonde meeting her other than when I do see the Siren again would like to not have to share her and focus for a few hours on just reconnecting.  Or trying to.

Some innocuous topics… then the topic of rope as non-monogamy comes up…rather gets brought up.

“I don’t get how you can see doing a rope as non sexual” the past explanations have failed to appease or enlighten her. So I try again using a pick up basketball analogy.  Sometimes you are simply practicing, sometime you play the game for the love of playing and the where and with who is merely details. She’s not convinced. And in fairness that is not always the case because sometime it is intense, connective and in it’s own way intimate and sexual  After all the only rope the Blonde ever experienced was done by me and was part of sex. Well more or less.  So I try again using the examples from classes.   It becomes a series of inquires about who I have tied when and how.

This is a topic that first surfaced late last fall.  It was then a attempt to redefine acceptable behaviors …by me.  Impact play was completely ignored…thank your own personal deity.  As the title indicates I am a lousy monogamist.  This is simply a given, it is how I’m wired. It is where the phase for my own actions “to much is never enough” originated.

Still I am pretty damn good at agreeing to limits and sticking to them.   “Don’t do X with Y type compromises and request to me have been fairly easy to reach agreement on in the past. The jealousy that is or isn’t present is understood by me in each case and even as the no jealous type understanding is key.   Direct requests to not sleep with, kiss  or whatever after discussion and explanation have always been adhered to.  Still it gets frustrating, and yes I’ll play to the line but quit trying to limit how far is too far.  Moving the line closer is not an arbitrary thing.

We will never agree on what is monogamous and what isn’t.  Either decide to play with me again literally & figuratively…  The change was not going to get solved so rather than go down that rat hole and ruin what was so far and would later turn out to be a really great night the offer simply is “You’ve never gone to anything with me. So it’s impossible to articulate. You need to. You’ve never seen me play with another person; either causally or that I do have a relationship of some type with. You really should.  Then decide what is what”  She paused, thought and took it in. Asked few more questions about how I view my own dynamics with others. and we went on to have a pretty great and very hot remainder of the night.

Which brings me to the real point.  None of this means I love her any less.  Being like this is simply my nature, denying it is living a lie. Yes it’s different. The fact is if you know anything about me at all it should be I’m different and always have been.  No matter what the looks on  the outside; the picture of conservative business bliss.  Everything about how I live is not “normal”.  It is not a indictment of anyone. I can go from Tennis to running, to hockey, and not see it as odd. I can be at classical theater on Friday and a death metal concert on Saturday and not think twice.  I can go from a corporate whore mongering to looking at things in start up mode in 10 seconds flat. And I can go from being wonderfully happy with one person in one way, to being extremely happy with another with a different dynamic just as easily.

The only thing in my life that seems to be singular or monogamous is my love for the color black above all other colors.  Mainly because it matches my soul.

29 Replies to “I'm a Lousy Monogamist”

  1. Absolutely. Yes. And I’m a bit envious, because you’re more where I want to be.
    Though I don’t believe your soul is black, I believe that it is meant as a negative (that statement) and I simply do not view you in such light.

  2. Don’t sell what you have short. Your husband while not always open to everything he is very involved in your kinks, goes to events with you, etc.
    As for my soul being black, it’s a running joke for me not really how i perceive myself. I find it far easier to paint my self as a villain or the devil when compared to societal norms. Blame Catholic school for this, they created George Carlin and poeple like me. 🙂

  3. Pingback: E Lust # 74

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