I May Do Punishment After All

Last year for a Kink of the Week on the topic on real punishment I said clearly it was not part of my dynamic. However looking back on some recent play maybe I was (very) arrogant in saying that. We played..HARD. It was safe, it was sane and yes it was consensual. It appeared a good time was had by all. We had played harder in the bygone era but when really examining the scene with a bit of distance after a few other conversations (a forth coming post on connections will explain more) and then bending both Raven and Alice’s ears I should say more accurately when looking back I was a little bit distant.
She was being punished by me and not playfully in the “oh you’re such a naughty girl” role/word play and banter kind of way I like. In fact this time around nothing of that ilk was ever uttered. Nor did I say I’m about to do X to you because you did Y or I’m… whatever I was (hurt, disappointed, etc) . Yet from the very first lick that bit into her bared flesh at an intense force with no warm up and the ones that followed, for every mark, welt, and bruise maybe there was something more to it.
Without knowing it at the time maybe it was delivered as a punishment; something that even if unspoken perhaps was not only deserved but required discipline. Looking back perhaps both my distance and my delivery were in fact a punishment in and of themselves. Retribution for shutting me out so many times without warning, explanation, or apology, for repeatedly not standing up for our (long) relationship when other shiny baubles appeared, a million other little things, and a few perhaps not so little ones.
Even though the word was never said as I laid into her coldly and mechanically not as part of a scene where I got to be the brooding cruel asshole that I love to be (on occasion) but because of something much more real. This was not a mind fuck, it was not about pushing limits or being edgy or even just playing hard. It was as much about my emotions and head space as anything even if I didn’t know it at the time. In fact it was in retrospect without a doubt a punishment that was delivered.
And even though there were no complaints an uncomfortable conversation a day later about other topics not at all related to the previous play made me begin to wonder. It was then that I started look at the two meetings in a different light. So  after some thought and with her states away again I did what adults do.  I called her not relish the glory of the scene, or wallow in what was and had passed, or even simply to check in in fact those things had already occurred but to specifically ask.
“I needed you to…(deleted/edited by Mal prior to publishing for a variety of reasons)” was her reply. A lot of conversation led to in the past we had played in a way that she wanted to feel genuinely punished (ironically she was the person I had referred to in the KOTW post) and I played the role (very willingly) at times. The difference was I was simply playing at my kink to meet her needs, it was her own perceived misdeeds that led to those scenes. I was just the asshole top who she chose to be with. This time she had the same feelings but they pertained to me, so the same need was there this time and it was tied to our friendship. For me without realizing it at the time I wasn’t simply playing and neither was she even though that’s what we said we were doing when making the arrangements.
So she wanted to feel punished.  I’d like to say I picked up on that. That somehow I’m so fucking awesome that I just knew and simply fell into the role she wanted but that would be a lie. Even if I didn’t know it then I do now and looking back I don’t like how it felt or how even now it makes me feel. So I may do punishment after all but I still don’t like it or how it makes me feel…even if I’m the one dishing it out.
m is for malflic

7 Replies to “I May Do Punishment After All”

  1. This has given me food for thought – and perhaps a conversation next time we are in the same room together. I need to muse on it, and perhaps steer W to it, as I believe (if I am not mistaken) that he feels very similarly about punishment.

    1. Always happy to be in the same room you 🙂 and discuss whatever you’d like. My shameless flirting aside there is a second piece that ties to this one that (if I can get it right) will go out in a few days.

  2. Although Michael loves to give me what I want I also know that he does get off on punishment. Not to the extent of making up ‘crimes’ at all but more in response to my constant pushing.

    1. Molly,
      Actually I was reflecting on your piece and our exchange of comments on the topic last year particularly what you had shared about yours and Micheal’s dynamic as I was proofing and editing this one. In fact it factored into a few questions I’ve still not answered such as would I feel different about the experience had i gone in knowing it was going to be punishment.

  3. sadly even at our best we miss the cues and clues in others. punishment comes in so many different forms, from the paddle to what can be done without a word being said.
    Always glad to lend an ear brother.

  4. We don’t have a punishment dynamic, but in part it’s because there’s no need. My Serafina is self correcting, and often her own biggest critic. With that said, I’ve been in relationships where punishment was a necessary thing. Great article!

  5. I don’t feel the need to be punished, and I’m quite sure my husband wouldn’t dream it. Yet, as we explore our kinks more and more, if we ever encounter “punishment” I am sure to think of this post. It’s interesting to read your thoughts and emotions on the topic.

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