You’re Art but I’m Not My own Double Standard

This post is long overdue. It’s the follow up to the Naked Nurses Piece over a month ago.  In my usual introspective fashion I’ve debated this one; however far more than most.   I was going to write it from the photographer’s perspective. After all I can hide behind the camera and no one would have though less of it. In fact I do it a lot but just not with the type of pictures you see here (if you know happen to know my birth name I’ll be starting a 365 project on that site beginning with the new year).  Funny for all the erotic things I do when it comes to taking pictures I prefer empty city streets, random hotel corridors, the passing view from a car or out a plane window.  Broken down buildings, tattered entry ways, shadows and desolation in urban centers; there is a beauty in the decay, a wonder in the effects of time, and shifts in economic influences.   Of course that would have been easy.  A few weeks back they put more Men in Sinful Sunday Movement took shape and burned itself into my mind.  Sliver Hubby’s photo stood out, his sentiment bold and brave along with others such as John D whose photos I often admire made me look deeper into my own view.

In a twist of irony Molly just put up her latest Sinful Sunday round up out while I was typing this.  It’s a great example of the type of pictures I love.  In fact I was at dinner with my family this past weekend when Penny put hers out (NSFW version is what I linked to here) in an Instagram friendly manner. So I showed it off and we talked about how fun it was over a family meal. I could drown in her eyes!  A day later I debated with the Chesty Blonde whether Cammies’ Pic reminded me of a classic photographers work I couldn’t recall or simply a beautiful Film Noir type image.  Stepping away from those example I see most of the images as art and admire the courage and beauty of the subjects.  Note perfect is not what catches my eye, in fact something too perfect doesn’t usually work for me. I like honest, or playfully staged not a perfect romantic or erotic image like a romance cover. Rather a combination of reality and honesty. I envy Molly’s creativity.

Still none of that answers the question of why I hate to be in front of the camera, the subject of the picture.  My body is not perfect, yet that doesn’t really bother me. Physically speaking I know what a freak show I am in terms of strength.  For a while I lied to myself and said maybe if I was thinner, younger, had a porn star’s cock I want to be in more pictures.  Then I looked back to when I was thinner and younger and could fuck for days without a break.   The pictures were the same.  It was me in a younger body doing exactly what I do now.  I was composed, everyone else was in jeans and a T, I would be in dress pants or a suit, if on stage everyone was in jeans or spandex   I would either be in leather or the brightest outfit of all making a spectacle of myself.  Clothes are a representation of how I want to be perceived forever.  For an ugly straight guy I think and know a lot about clothes a lot.  I can tell you if you have a good tailor and can point out what I love in each of my favorite garments.

My body even at the height of my physical form years ago was a staged and crafted image.  I can look at others and see the beauty, see the unrepressed sexuality, the wonderful freedom of their exposure.  And what do they see of me? A peek of a shoe, a glimpse of my closet, the empty spaces I peer at when alone in public places, a few hopefully witty lines as I share some view of my world but never really an image of me.  Sure a flash of an arm, a glimpse of my belly, my hand on someone’s ass.   I could lie and say it’s because of anonymity, but I could show more and keep that; yet I choose to stay hidden.

Debates have been had over me doing the scavenger hunt. I’m sure they’ll continue but I struggle to see the merit.   My contribution would be what?   Me exposed? I love seeing others but can’t see myself in the same light.

I’m not shy, I’m not modest but despite that I’m also in my physical form simply not art.  I admire all of those who can share yourselves that way. Perhaps one day I’ll join you until than have you seen my newest shoes?


I had been a model of sorts (and of no acclaim) years and years ago. Doing what one who knows me would expect…preppie catalog shoots (think J Crew oHe Said She Said Erotic BAttle of the Sexes Column Logon a budget) and industrial training films. Perhaps that’s what tainted me? Although that’s not true.  Looking back I hate those pictures of myself, the ones I love are me outback of a dive bar before a show in tattered jeans surrounded by the Children of the Damned types. Me on the floor in a puddle of sweat, my long stringy hair as disheveled as my undernourished body and staving soul. Of me in a black double breasted suit, hair slicked back like a B movie gangster with a group of women too drunk and morally liberal to know better than to spend time with me. Even the ones of me walking into my wedding reception I wore a mask, elegant yes but a facade none the less, of course it went perfectly with my Tux.

6 Replies to “You’re Art but I’m Not My own Double Standard”

  1. I’m very much the same as you. I appreciate a certain style (or several certain styles) of artsy nude or suggestive or just somehow sexy images, but I’m not interested in being the subject of those beloved types of images. I always just chalk it up to: there are exhibitionists and there are voyeurs. I am firmly on team voyeur.
    But oh, how I appreciate those on team exhibitionist! 🙂

  2. There have only been 3 (or 4?) photos of me on the our blog, my sister is far more the exhibitionist. And only then I will do that because she hasn’t bothered to post a Sinful Sunday, and we don’t have any more in draft (shoot, memo to me to have her post more just for this reason). Even before the three kids, when my weight was teetering on barely three digits but I still had naturally large breasts, I didn’t like photos of myself. We are often our own worst critic, and then also some just like to be behind the lens more than in front.

  3. I find that I am a contradiction in terms of being in pictures. I enjoy getting a pic thy works to post for Sinful Sunday and the like. I hide the bits of my body that on that day I am not feeling secure enough to see. I love some of the pictures that I have posted. However, when it comes to other pictures, especially ones with my face – I hate them. I am not photogenic and I hate the way the camera catches me. One of the things that I would like to do is overcome that and have a photoshoot. It thrills and terrifies me in almost equal measure. Being in front of a camera seems to expose me more than being naked with people ever could.

  4. I remember us all talking about the Scavenger Hunts while we were in Atlanta. 😀 I don’t do Scavenger Hunts because I think anyone wants to see my flashing my girlie bits and naked parts all around town, but because of the fun that W, Ad and I have in doing them, and secondarily, my own enjoyment in posting them in my blog and telling the story of the moment/day. So if YOU get pleasure from doing it – if it feeds some kinky, exhibitionist part of your soul, some need to be transgressive or rebellious or whatever – then do it. And who cares what anyone else thinks. It’s for YOU, not for us. (Though okay I DO still love the idea of the suit, and fancy shoes, and…a little “something” peeking out.) 😉

  5. Thank you very much for the compliment. You have no idea how much it means to me. I am not young or beautiful, I do not have a body like Penny’s or even Jade’s for that matter, but I have learnt that despite that I am still sexy and the best teacher of that (apart from Michael) has been my photography. Despite my strong exhibitionist traits I take photos and post them on my blog for me, because I love it, the whole process of making them and the feeling I get when they are out there. However if you had told me 5 or 6 years ago I would be a self portrait artist I would have laughed at you. The idea to me would have been horrific but time teaches as new things about ourselves but only if we let it.
    Would you let me take your photograph?
    Oh and I agree with Jade about the Scavenger Hunt. The thought of this “of the suit, and fancy shoes, and…a little “something” peeking out.” is deliciously hot!

    1. Molly have your forgotten I’ve met you so I’m not buying the you’re not beautiful bit. I know for a fact you are in more ways than one. Is your physical beauty different from the other ladies you mentioned? Sure but it is no less stunning, no less appealing, and uniquely your own; which is more wonderful than anything. When we occasionally go back and forth on blogs and what not and I stop for a moment to truly think of you what I remember first is the smile you had sitting at the table with friends on the Friday afternoon, One that I would see almost endlessly over the few days. Or you laughing at dinner with a bemused look as Michael tried to explain the American anomaly that is tater tots. Of course there was you in the corset. A weakness of mine that ranks right up there with pig tails,
      To answer your question. Yes if you saw merit in it I’d let you photograph me. Not because I think I’d make an interesting subject or anything wonderful to look at but because I genuinely adore your photography,
      As for the scavenger hunt. It has been a topic discussed time and again in my house since Jade brought it up months ago. Time will tell if we do it or not.

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