Explaining My Lifestyle in an Age Appropriate Way Part 1 Everyday Things

Really the idea for this post came from a session at Eroticon USA this past weekend that was given by Molly Moore and Jade Melisande . Both of them are brilliant ladies and you should take the time to seek out their writing on the topic.    And in fairness I may have let it go had Marie, Mia More & Miss Lily not shown an interest over twitter.  As I started writing I realized it is a topic I have a passion for because it is something that is a frequent topic wit in our home. Part 2 will be “Specific Things I’ve Done”, Part 3-  A Few Funny Examples, and Part 4 will actually be written by my daughter Diva from her perspective of how it’s impacted her life.  The subsequent posts will be put out over the coming weeks.

  So being a man who tries to always keep his word and promises here is my take on the subject.

          Mal

In many ways I am a lucky man and the fact that both of my daughters now age 15 & 19 are bright, articulate, and of course beautiful young women only makes that more true.  Which makes some of this much of this easier and some of it much more difficult. I am not a sex positive educator nor do I wish to be one.  I’m simply a man who wants his daughters to decide for themselves who they are, accept and love their bodies, the desires they have, and to surround themselves with people who accept them as such and make them happy.  No guilt, no shame, and certainly no less or more standing than any other person based on physical characteristics and whatever lifestyle choices they make.   Even beyond this topic I have done my best to teach them “outside opinions be damned, live your life your way”.  As a family unit we all suck as conformists.  

I have always been a sexual being and hold the belief that most people are whether they care to admit it or not.   When it comes to raising children each of us must decide what to share and when; and equally important what to keep private, we have always told them that we do not have a traditional house hold.   Which is kind of an ironic statement and to set the premise fairly in many ways I have a very traditional house hold.   I am still with their mother (The Chesty Blonde), she is for all intent and purpose a stay at home mom (keeping the wheels on the bus that is our household), focusing much of her time, love, and energy on their needs, and we spend time together as a complete “traditional” family unit in addition to spending time with each of the kids one on one.

Yet in equally as many ways we are not a traditional house hold. There are multiple relationships of varying types present in our day to day lives.  Additionally many of our friends and some of our family have what would be considered alternative lifestyles.  

Just everyday ways…we handle questions and communicate about how as adults we’ve chosen to live.

  • Talk to them like they’re people – You’d be amazed what simply bringing up a topic, any topic not just sex and discussing it with your kids can do.    I believe by challenging people to think and learn, and form their own thoughts and ideas as a whole we’ll have a better world.
  •  Be openly affectionate with your partner(s) (and friends)  – it may sound stupid  but I’m always shocked at people who can’t or don’t express their feeling though simple connecting gestures.  In our case I kiss my wife (The Chesty Blonde) in front of them. I always have and always will.  I touch her on the shoulder or back as she passes and yes given some of my proclivities I will swat her on the ass playfully as well.   None of this is done for shock value, none of it is over the top public display of affection or even overtly sexual, and all of it is perfectly natural behavior within our relationship.  If we can’t express whatever form of publicly acceptable affection such as a simple kiss, holding hand in front of them, or curling up together on the couch how can we expect them to know it’s ok to have these feeling and express them with the people they will come to care about both in public and private when the time is right.

 

  • Be Honest – Do I run in and tell them “Girls I’m heading out for a fetish fair see you in a few days, or I’m going to Vegas to see some swinger friends, or I’m heading to D.C, to see some old fetish friends”?   No but I do tell them when I’m going to an event & that it’s a “Malflic thing” it compartmentalized it for them when they were younger much like” I was leaving for work”.  It became part of the usual conversation

 As they aged it became a “writer thing” or “another thing” and since then a “rope thing” has been added to the mix.  They know I write about sex and relationships.   

Occasionally I’m asked what a munch is, what the difference is between swinging, open relationships and Poly are, and once in a great while “why are you such a perv.”  The answers range from it’s a group of people who like to get together like you do with your friends to talk about movies, or sports.

To explaining that sometimes people like to have other people in their lives just like having different groups for friends at activities, and yes sometimes you have to admit that while you love the person you’re with you also love and care for other people very deeply.  In my case our girls have 3 sets of grandparents and I’ve used that as an example of how multiple relationships with people in similar roles enhances their lives.   

And on the Why are you guys such pervs commentary we just tell them it’s genetic and just wait it’s going to happen to them.

  • Bring up the topic as it pertains to current events – Gay marriage it a lightning rod issue in America.  Yes my opinion get’s worked into the mix “It doesn’t matter who or how many people you love.  It’s fine as long as everyone is informed and you’re consenting adults”.   We discuss Politics in general and encourage the kids to read on their own and bring pieces to us to discuss. 

 

  • I’m, You’re, We’re  going to HELL – We live in a judgmental world with differing ideologies.  I do my best to explain and expose them to varying opinions and thoughts without too much of my own commentary.  While at the same time sharing what I believe which is I’m an atheist who tries to always treat people fairly not because of hell or some arbitrary rule but because it how I want to be treated.

 

  •  Your friends are your friends –   Our world is different than some.  Our girls have friends with same sex oriented parents that they’ve made on their own.   Just recently at the kids sleep over it came up that one girl’s mother was a lesbian.  Not because we advertised it but because they were talking about their home lives.   At first one of the kids was shocked “I’ve never known a lesbian”.   To which she corrected herself “Well actually I’ve known her for 5 years so I guess I have”  Even in vanilla circles I define my world for people as filled with artists, writers, musicians, and other interesting people.    This is not our gay friend X, or our Swinger friend Y or our kinky friend Z.  They are our friends and if and when the topic comes up because they have shown up at a vanilla event with a partner who is different, or that I’m going to be away somewhere with  them, or even just going for a drink or dinner.  We say oh sure X is whatever they are E & N are their Partners, Spouse, etc. 

7)      If they are people who are part of my life, who I’m close to in a special way they are discussed and mentioned like any other person I love or am involved with.  This past weekend at Eroticon my kids knew I was going to be seeing Raven and Alice (who are regular topic in my home) because they “do Malflic stuff with me”. 

So what uncomfortable questions did they ask when I got home?  How are their boys?  What the Cat’s name again?  Did it make you sneeze?  Lily my 15 year old has met Jade who is friend of mine and before she even said hello asked “how’s Jade and what color was her hair” 

While you’re waiting for the next installment here are a few older posts where I address the topic of talking to my kids about lifestyle things and sexuality.

Strumpet, Whore, Othello, and a Conversation about Slut shaming with my daughter

Redefining, Beauty, Acceptance and Sexuality for my kids

9 Replies to “Explaining My Lifestyle in an Age Appropriate Way Part 1 Everyday Things”

  1. Thanks. I took a lot away from the conference both in terms of inspiration for writing and friendships along with so much more.

  2. I really like this article on several levels.
    I completely agree with communicating with kids/teens (age-appropriately) about different lifestyles/relationships and sexual orientation, and to share with them how important it is to respect and love others no matter what they are or what they do do as long as they are respectful of others and aren’t taking advantage of anyone else. I’ve also had a policy of sharing snuggles, kisses and playful affection in front of children as you describe, and my hope is that it will encourage them to be affectionate when they are grown.
    As for morals, I was taught mine without regard to religion, and being an atheist (husband)/agnostic(me) couple, we teach our kids a strong sense of right from wrong too. Their own internal moral compass will serve them well, regardless of any church, bible, or religious influence, which can come & go in one’s life.
    Anyway, thank you for posting this, I agree very much and enjoy hearing about your experiences with your obviously very smart teens.

  3. I love this. I have been pondering my own series on this topic too. I just need more hours in the day… or maybe a writing partner. Anyway, your post is great. I have always tried to follow similar ideas and ideals with my children. We have yet to tell them about being D/s, but they do know that I write about sex and adult topics and that includes taking photographs of myself. They know most people call me Molly and that we run our local ‘munch’… I have been waiting for ‘what is a munch’ question but so far nothing. I know it will come though and when it does I shall give them an honest and age sensitive answer as possible.
    As for ‘why are you a perve?’ I have noted down your answer to that and will be using it when they finally ask me that one
    Mollyxxx

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