In a Good Way


There is that nervous feeling, that sense of dread and uncomfortable anticipation.  It became part of her the very second he made the comment.  For days, even when she consciously was telling herself there was nothing to worry about it was there.  That tiny little voice, a hint of fear mixed with self doubt and a dash of guilt.  Oh yes it was there lurking in the back ground, hiding in the recesses of her own thoughts and every so often when there was a mere second of calm in her everyday life it would stick its head out of that darkness and begin whispering to her all the things that could be, none of them pleasant on the surface.  Or not in a way one could discuss in polite company.

The horrible possibilities the voice would extol, their consequences, and what it said about her.  It chided and taunted, goading her about how she should find a way out of it, how this wasn’t what normal people did, that it was something that she shouldn’t like or accept let alone something she should want, desire, or crave.   Oh yes that little voice kept taunting her for days. 

Now though the thoughts weren’t in the back of her mind, they weren’t days away as she stirred sweetener in to her morning coffee.  Days had given ways to hours, less than 12 of them on the drive into work, less than 5 by the time she finished her lunch.  The afternoon was a dizzying distraction as the nervousness built. The scenarios and probabilities raced through her mind with increased frenzy, fiendish intensity, and a sense of dread that all those horrors were getting closer with every second that passed. The voice scoffed at her cruelly.

Finally the work day ended.  On the drive to his home and with each pause for traffic and every damned traffic signal the butterflies were building even more. By the time she arrived on his street her stomach was tied into such tight knots that it would have made any sadist extremely proud.  The walk from the street to his front door seemed like a journey through the entire universe unto itself.  Her legs felt like lead, her feet awkward and uncoordinated each time they touched the ground.  She paused at his door before reaching for the knob and finally with a heavy breath crossed its threshold.  There was no turning back, the time was here and the inevitable upon her. That little voice laughed inside her head like the devil himself.  Insulting her, chastising her harshly, reminding her with every beat of her racing heart how horrendous all of it was going to be.

In contrast when he saw her he moved towards her with ease and she was greeted with a soft and gentle kiss before making her way through the house and beginning the final preparations.  When everything was properly obsessed over and finally ready she surveyed her surroundings.  Oh that wicked little voice was still trying to be heard but the surrender had already begun.  Those desires, those secrets, and all the little things she hid from the world were soon to be on full display.  Somewhere in those fleeting seconds that inner voice began to change, it’s excitement, it’s acceptance, it’s true and twisted desires all became evident when she saw him enter the room. 

The pressure, the anticipation and even the dread was all there, racing though her veins as he drew closer. But they all had all served their purpose.  She quietly thanked that wicked little voice for keeping her on edge for so long, for heightening her senses for serving its own purpose and hers.  She out it away until next time. Everything that was about to happen, despite conventions and outside appearances were going to happen;  in a good way.    

Sultry Saturday

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