The Impromptu Wax Expert Outs Himself

Small Soy Candle
The Small Soy Candle Mal lit before bed the other night. It took someone too long to join him and by the time she arrived the room looked like an old horror movie with all the different candles

This week Jade picked the topic of Wax for her “Kink of the Week” but rather than wax philosophical on the topic I decided to share the story of how to attract vanilla women at a party with your kinky acumen; or something like that.  The names have been changed to protect the innocent or not so innocent as the case may be.
I’m back east where my kinks have been known far and wide by my circle of friends for quite a while.  As fate would have it I was standing in a kitchen of some of our oldest friends looking like a picture of preppie  suburban domestic bliss, Red shorts, stylish sandals, designer shirt, and a very good tan.  The husband was a team mate and drummer in my bands for years; so he knows what I’m really like.  His wife remembers the nice guy from school and the reality hasn’t set in that I’m not exactly harmless despite an impromptu bondage lesson a few years back.  Either that or its a bad case of denial.
The kids are running through the house, the yard and in general being kids.  Our families were inseparable prior to us leaving.  I’m helping to set up even through some of the guests have started arriving for the party, this is usual for this crowd.   I know their home as well or better than my own so even though I’m only there a few times a year now it is still comfortable and familiar.   I walk into the kitchen and about three women start blushing and get suddenly quiet.   A wise crack of some type or another is made and then H (the wife) blurts out “Ask Mikey and see what he thinks”  There is one person in the world who can get away with calling me that and it happens to be her sexy German ass.
Her friends blushed at the thought so always trying to play in the big leagues with the real perverts she began “So our friend Toni was trying to spice up her sex life with her husband and they dripped wax all over each other.”  The story went on and on in immense detail of how the entire night led up to the great candle wax incident of April 2012. The moral of it was that according to Toni  “no one should ever try it” and these women had bought in lock stock and barrel that freaky sex ideas were just as bad as they’d always imagined.  Without thinking I should be in extra pure Nilla mode I simply asked “what kind of wax were they using?”
“Candle wax” one snotty big titted brunette shot back cynically like I was a complete moron.
I had two choices, maybe three, play dumb “”Oh right”, simply fall into to line and agree .  Which would be dishonest of me and a disservice to the sexually adventurous people in their lives (assuming they have those kind of people).  Or do what I did instinctively when my morality filter doesn’t seem to work.
I looked right in to Snotty’s eyes and offered “Well wax type matters”  then proceeded to basement to grab the needed provisions for the party.  Upon leaving the cool dark and well stocked subterranean portion of the home with my arms loaded I was met with the previous group of women plus two new additions at the top of the stairs.  H wasn’t shy “Have you ever used wax?”
I cavalierly offer “of course every altar boy has”. After they paused and waited for the nonexistent lighting to strike. I found myself falling into to a quick conversation about Soy vs other types of wax, their melting points and how they range from 120 degrees to almost 190, the distance from your subject that the wax is dripped (too close bad, too far how’s your aim), their pain tolerance, and the ultimate question of why are you playing with wax any how? Decoration, for play, art, dominance, pain?  Just very high level stuff  to keep someone from burning their husbands balls off  or having their tits or asshole scalded should should they get any bright ideas at home later in life.   I thought nothing of it, a kinky community based service by your local neighborhood deviant geared for 30 & 40 something suburban women who might decide its OK to let their freak flag fly from time to time.
I disappeared into the yard, finished setting up, started handing out drinks and helped cook dinner for the soon to be arriving throngs of people.
Hours later as darkness was beginning to fall I was lounging by the fire pit lamenting why in the world we had a wood fire going on a 90 degree day.  Eventually most of the men drifted toward the lawn games and beer coolers. I stayed put and found myself discussing Dickens and Hemingway with a lovely woman sporting a tattoo of the devil on her calf and heel.  “The devils is always on your heels” she told me.   We then proceeded to discuss our demons (hers were men, mine was money).  Genuinely enjoying the conversation with another avid reader, my youngest Lil was right there in the mix with us.   Eventually Lil went off to torment some of the others kids (probably telling them that she had higher college entrance exam scores than them in the 7th grade and they were destined to operate a deep fryer).  The next time I took notice I was surrounded by most of the kitchen crew from earlier. All taking up space in the large iron chairs around the fire, cocktails on their breaths and in their hands.
The questions began “How many women have you poured wax on?”  I love how alcohol causes people to lose their inhibitions.  I admitted about 3 or 4.  It was a blatant lie but if there’ s one thing I learned its be careful when revealing numbers and things to people you barely know.
One questioned me about the Altar Boy comment earlier. Apparently I had offended her faith or she was concerned I was the by product of some religious scandal.  I assured her that just like in the movies some boys play with fire, and everyone who has ever carried a candle at mass more than a few times gets wax on themselves at one point or another. (Yes I know that will take a while to process me as an altar boy.)
In the next while I offered nothing and answered their questions on how to find a soy candle, does it feel the same as when you get waxed at a spa, what kind of sick fuck drips wax on people (it was worded much nicer than that), where do you drip wax (I suggested staring on non erotic areas for newbies) before recommending trying liquid latex if they were afraid of getting burned (yes I know it lacks the heat dries differently but blind folded it can be a great mind fuck and a lit of fun to tear off later).  Then I had to explain what liquid latex is.   God their sex lives must be a drag!
Finally the question came up “was Toni giving them bad info?”  I laughed, I tried not to, I should have been sage like in an old Kung Fu movie but instead what came out was one of those deep evil laughs I’m (occasionally) known for.  A wicked smile crossed my lips, I couldn’t see it but know it was there “no she probably just did it wrong or was afraid that the pain turned her on”
They either blushed with embarrassment or glared at me like the devil.   So I concluded “remember ladies like great sex, wax is messy so plan accordingly and avoid getting it on the carpet” and then made my way towards the men who were now engaged in a much more dangerous type of play.  Semi inebriated fireworks lighting.
Kink of the Week

15 Replies to “The Impromptu Wax Expert Outs Himself”

  1. It is always interesting thinking of our world mixing with the “vanilla” world. Leave it to you for a memorable evening that would prove to be quite educational 🙂
    Great write, I always love your humor that lights up the page

    1. LR,
      As you well know I enjoy a good laugh usually at my own expense but occasionally I can’t help but fuck with others. Everyone needs a wild friend and there is no doubt I’m theirs.

  2. Great read Mal and kudos for imparting your kinky wisdom to the ladies. Who knows what contribution you may have made on that evening. 🙂 Honestly in similar circumstances I’m not sure I would have resisted the temptation to “play dumb” so just wanted to say well done!

  3. Sometimes I just bite my tongue and sometimes, just sometimes I have to ‘play’ with the ‘know it all’ nilla’s, specially when they are debasing something they clearly know fuck all about….. I am always VERY nice though 😉

    1. See that’s a wonderful upside to your personality. Instead of being nice I’m usually seeing who I can corrupt or at the very least make a few them squirm.

  4. I don’t often mix with ‘nillas much anymore, but lately (with the advent of 50 Shades) I have had to bite my tongue several times when I have done so. If I can contribute in a way that doesn’t totally freak people out, I do, but mostly I just let them ramble on, unless asked something specific.
    Loved the sly humor in this. 🙂

    1. It’s funny you mention mixing with nilla’s set. I find I mix with them less and less and am keeping a smaller & closer circle of friends who know my interests and share them or don’t care.
      The best part of it is the woman with the tat and I have stayed in touch granted its based around books but that counts as a fetish of mine so I keep telling myself its ok..

  5. Book fetishes completely count. And I’m glad you educated them as much as possible, it’s nice to know what you’re doing to reduce the risk of harming, and clearly these people were curious. Love the wit.

    1. I’m not sure I started out intending to educate anyone but it did seem to turn out that way. It was more of a “quit being such prudes” thing that drew me in. Maybe I missed my calling in life and should be teaching something.

  6. {{{evil laugh}}}
    Nice mind fucking there. Every so once in a while I like to let a thought drop out there amid the Nilla… they usually laugh uproariously because they just think I’m being funny, I couldn’t possibly be really like that… >:-}
    ~Kazi xxx

  7. Oh I just listen to those who think they know everything and then, only sometimes, I help them out of their dreams. Or tell them what it’s really like. Sometimes they believe me and sometimes they think I’m just joking. I leave them to believe what they want to believe 🙂
    Rebel xox

    1. But I bet that every so often its hard not to twisted their closed little mind just a little. Right? I mean I can be the only the that thinks F with Nilla’s should become and Olympic sport? :0

  8. I can’t decide which I would like more – to attend a party with you, or to bring you to one of my “vanilla” get-togethers!!!!

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