The Laments of the 3rd Horseman of a the Apocalypse – A Humorous View of the End of the World

The Laments of the 3rd Horseman of a the Apocalypse – A Humorous View of the End of the World
Black War HorseThe Sky is falling, the sky is falling is one iteration, R.E.M. sang It’s the end of the world as we know it, and then there is the ever popular biblical catholic end of the world bit which is shall we say is far from pleasant.  Sadly I personally went through the entire catholic grade school bull shit and three years later I would come to realize that all of the self righteous morons talking to me were sooner or later going to deal with me in a huge way.  In my own twisted world view it is something I always thought but it would be in a much different way than I ever intended.
It’s an amazing burden in many ways to be told that you are in fact a purveyor of doom, the end of mankind as we know it, that as an individual you are in fact a tangible part of the apocalypse. Not in a metaphorical sense but in a quite literal way.  Sure on the surface it seems like a good thing to throw out a parties.  Of course chicks dig power but when it comes with the stench of death let’s just say bathing often and a little extra aftershave doesn’t hurt but you’d be amazed what eathly riches can do for your attractiveness.
It happened one day as the bell rang at the end of religion class in the 10th grade. I recall call it like it was moments ago; a sunny spring day when the teacher asked me to stay after class.  As fate would have it I was a good student and thought little or nothing of the request.   Imagine that me a D&D nerd with damn near straight A’s and a penchant all things technology a somewhat model citizen.  Mrs. D sat there in her hippie garb with her you’re ok, I’m ok vibe. No fire, no brimstone, no judgment, guilt, or damnation…in fact for those very reasons I was almost certain she wasn’t really catholic.  As my classmates cleared the room she said “Mike pull up a chair I need to explain something to you.”  Mrs. D was one teacher I actually genuinely liked.  So as I took a seat she said “What I’m about to tell you isn’t easy, I’ve been putting it off for quite a while but thought after almost two years of knowing each other it was about time I told you the truth.”  She stuttered, she paused, and then attempted to regain her composure.  Here was a woman who I had never heard stall or stumble over a single word in small lectures, filled auditoriums, or in the course of the most heated intellectual debate.  She was a picture of composure and conviction yet for some reason I was making her uncomfortable.
Now the fact I had been fucking the little red head next to me in class six ways from Sunday at every turn jumped to the top of my mind.  I thought it was a well kept secret but perhaps I was wrong.  She looked away from me…  “you know the world is a dangerous place and well nothing lasts forever.” At that very second the distant recollection started swimming in my brain was that my red haired friend had helped me finally see god for a few hot seconds the previous week in the chapel popped to the front and center of my mind.  I wanted to blurt out its ok it’s just sex hell the two of us are both in other relationships and I always wear a rubber but I waited and only offered.  “Yes I know that”
“Have you ever read the book of revelations?” Mrs. D asked.  Of course I had!  Iron Maiden did a song called revelations for god’s sake what kind of half assed red headed slut banging metal head did she take me for? But I liked her and simply said “yes”.
“You know you are special” she asked.  One of the things I liked about Mrs. D is she really did find a way to find something special about everyone in her class, a unique talent, feature, view point.  It seemed to be a gift of hers.  I assumed since I never seemed to lack confidence that whatever was special about me didn’t need pointed out to the class.  After all modesty was not a trait I exhibited much of even in those days I was head strong and cock sure and well I was sure as hell was not shy about using my cock.
I thanked her wondering what was coming next.  After a brief pause “You’re the third horseman of the apocalypse”  I laughed instantly asking “have you been talking to my mother?  She tells me I’m the devil all the time”
That’s when she looked at me, making sure she held my gaze “many people will curse you and despise you but there is no changing what you are.  I’m not sure when or how but I know you will bring misery to millions if not billions of people.  What you will do will be distasteful and many might in fact call you evil or even the devil but in fact it is god’s work”.  At that very moment I was convinced she had been talking to my mother who was most insistent that I was actually the child of the devil, shocking considering my mother seemed to despise the peace and love hippie ideals my family were certainly not peace mongers.  I was taught from as far back as I can remember if you ever go to war…in the army, in business, in any way be sure you kill your enemy and give them no chance of survival.  Stick the knife in their back, twist it, and break their necks with your foot as you step over their dying or lifeless body. I thought everyone’s family thought these things, later in life I’d earn I was wrong.
After a bit more explanation and several challenges I accepted my role as a symbol of the apocalypse.  I was fine with it maybe it meant I could have a little more carnal pleasure in my life since I’d have the inside track on when to actually repent.  I could fuck with the would be prophets and fear mongers, treat the religiously self appointed messengers of god as the charlatans they were.  Before any of that could transpire there was one question I needed to have answered.   Did I really have to ride a horse?  I loved horses, I found them beautiful creatures but had a terrifying fear of riding the damned things.
From there though things started to make a lot more sense plus I figured if I had to ride a big black horse I might as well look the part.  I began going to the gym, for a while I had the long dark flowing hair. I dressed in leather and moved under the shadows of the night. I became more of a Hugh Hefner as a vampire than a horseman.  I swore that never  again would I read the bible, go to church, or give a damn about the lustful huddled masses since it might make my job harder when my time came.  Two of the three things I stuck to.
I began preaching about cheap oil and free parking to anyone who would listen. I used it as a reason to justify war, genocide, wanton useless destruction of parts of the world.  Fortunately for me certain governments seemed to have the same agenda though I’m still somewhat suspicious that Lucifer had his hand in the entire hanging Chad thing.  I acted like a petulant rock star watching the geo political landscape for signs that I was to spring into action.  Like any sell out interested in the end of the world I enrolled in business school and started a hardcore band called GenoSighed.  We sang songs about the end of the world, we didn’t mince words, and eventually scared away even the most deranged souls with our morbid imagery and seemingly psychotic lyrics.
Being that dark though takes a toll on a man, even if he is the 3rd horseman of the Apocalypse. So I retreated back to my pre I am the blight of the world mindset and started reading and studying.  If I was going to be responsible for the end of mankind then I wanted to be as effective and efficient as possible.  Sure there were small guilty pleasure along the way, I just seemed to know when crop failures were going to happen, when commodity process were going to spike or drop.  So I became a trader, within weeks of passing my licensing exams I’d made enough to quit and open my own firm.  A year later I bought a Black Ferrari.  While all of their cars are really custom mine only had black and dark gray in it. The needles on the instrument panel, the stitching in the leather.   I would take to wearing only black Armani suits with white custom made French Cuffed shirts to work.  The Cuff links were always skull and cross bones.  When questioned about my wardrobe I’d tell them Ivan Boesky was my childhood hero and that I did not have a Johnny Cash Fetish.
One night while trolling South Beach in a black Bentley with an assortment of harlots  I decided to get a little ink a set of scales with women on one side and money on the other. I had the money weight more than the women who were not surprisingly portrayed as less than modest creatures. I’d nickname the three of them “Tawdry, Cheap, and Slutty”.  Still as middle age sets in I’ve begun thinking about treating the end of the world as a bit of a joke.  Sure I’ll still be effective and efficient but what if I was to ride in on a small black pigmy pony in an ill fitting cowboy costume with cap guns blazing.   It might make things a little more fun after all who wants an Asshole in a pasta rocket wearing Armani telling you it’s all over.  Besides I’d just look like another nut job from California then.  Oh by the Way the end is near I just met the fourth horseman at a heaven and hell mixer.  My advice suggest you go early because she’s wicked little bitch.  The only thing worse than the end of the world is a 10 year old grim reaper wearing Laura Ashley and riding her “prize” fucking horse.
Now where did park my horse and set my wine?
Postlude/Authors Comments
To all the Jesus freaks who may decide to spam me.  It’s a story so lighten up.  Your guy told stories all the damn time that allegedly mattered.  Mine is just fiction (kind of like the bible) although I did have a very cool religion teacher in the 10th grade who I liked despite the topic. I tend to believe she’d enjoy everything in here except for the sex in chapel bit. For the record I’m not into the 2012 stuff, Nostradamus, can not predict the future, and would love to hang with you at an Iron Maiden concert.  Thanks for asking.
Now where’s my coffee.

One Reply to “The Laments of the 3rd Horseman of a the Apocalypse – A Humorous View of the End of the World”

  1. ROFLMAO!!! OMG thank you for the warning! I would have fried everything in 2 seconds….
    Oh the coffee is freshly brewed and in the pot.

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