The Hypnotist Shrink and Guarding My Darkness

newspaper hatSo the last week when not looking like Sodom and Gomorrah during the evening hours with 20k bar tabs run up by 172 of my closest friends and endless meetings came with some built in entertainment.  I got to spend a lot of time with people I truly love and enjoy.  Along the way I saw parts of Vegas not seen by most mortals and the week ended with me in the mile high city for another event.  The Vegas exploits will be chronicled in another series of posts over the coming weeks.  So I arrived in Denver in a completely exhausted state, moderately bitter, and not exactly a ray of fucking sunshine despite the fact I would be with so many friends. I got off the plane to a text from one of my oldest friend who was already at the airport and having lunch. A few minutes later I attacked a cheeseburger like a fat kid with a candy bar while we waited for my dear friend Victoria to show up on her way in from California.
Corporate events tend to have motivational speakers, ex sports heroes, and the occasionally schmaltzy entertainment.  This one fell into the latter category. Just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean they’re not out to get you and after a lecture by the aforementioned hypnotist in the title I found two things to be top of mind. Neither of which were themes in her little talk
1) I am not letting her anywhere near my mind and / or subconscious
2) do people really believe this shit?
I found myself singing silently to myself and dancing subtly in my chair “so I wrapped a newspaper around my head so I’d look like I was deep. I said some mumbo jumbo then and told him he was going to sleep. I robbed his rings and his pocket watch and anything else I found.  I had that sucker hypnotized he couldn’t even make a sound.  I decided to tell him his future then as long as he was hanging around. The price of meat has just gone up and your old lady has just gone down” Cosmic Debris seemed to sum up my cynicism and took me to a happier place.
I could have been home with the Chesty Blonde, I could be anywhere naked with just about anyone and it would have been an improvement.  Look psychiatric professionals undoubtedly help a lot of people through life but the entire free spirit vibe wasn’t resonating with me.   I tried to follow the power of positive thinking mantra with a silent internal chant of “the bar will be open in 3 more hours….AAAAAAA MEN” it seemed moderately reassuring but the truth is that I’d only had 2 doubles all week and it was unlikely that I’d be tying one on that night. Me not drinking? Long story but add a week long headache, 4 am conference calls, and dozens of professional obligations daily and you get a very sober Mal. Maybe I picked the wrong Mantra. So I switched “will not try to seduce the brunette win the lobby with the amazing legs and black tights into lurid kinky sex acts”  this was one that I could live with and while it might not have been an example of the power of positive thinking it was an obtainable goal.
On a break my boss asked if I was considering being hypnotized during the evening entertainment portion.  I love the guy and after I paused he added “you’ve got some pretty dark stuff going on in that head of yours so it’s probably best if you stay off stage”
I often joke about needed to seek professional help, occasionally I even seriously consider it though not reasons most people would expect(I can’t swallow pills and do at times worry about my caffeine addiction).  In the end some people are afraid of clowns, other needles, , the dentist, some eternal damnation; me I’m afraid to let someone in to the massacre that parades as my own thoughts.
I watched the night’s event for an 90 minutes. Maybe I’ve been watching Penn and Teller for too long but I wasn’t buying.  Victoria and her very attractive and cool friend laughed away as I sat there watching grateful that no one was trying to hypnotize me.  Actually after the afternoon session I had been in the elevator with the good Doctor.  I minded my own business, avoided eye contact, and didn’t even offer a simple greeting of hello when getting on. Desperate to avoid any conversation things like “did you like my talk?” or “are you planning to get on stage tonight so I can hypnotize you?”  Were places I didn’t want to go.
What is there to say? “Gee sorry but I’m probably pretty fucked up and no doubt have issues but I’ve learned to manage my demons and don’t want to change that balance”. Or maybe “well doc I do tie up naked women but only if they asked me to very politely so it’s not really an issue.” Then there is the always popular “sorry but if we have a conversation you might figure out I’m unstable and I don’t imagine that I’d look good in straight jacket so the conversation ends here.”  I think she sensed that I was not in a conversational mood and respected that.
After the show I stood around talking pleasantly and an acquaintance said “there is no way I was getting up there, there are too many sick things in my head.”   It was funny people I perceived as very vanilla and well adjusted were worried about their dark secrets.  The funny part is my darkness has never been a secret.  Victoria told me I’m “just too toppy to let anyone near my thoughts”.  Maybe she was right it was control thing.  Then again I wouldn’t do an edge play scene with someone I didn’t really know so why would I consider playing a different type of game with a stranger… especially one in an ugly vest.
If pressed into a conversation I would have asked if she wanted to see a rope trick.  Then after tying her quickly and securely to something I would have run the other direction as fast as my old legs would carry me.

2 Replies to “The Hypnotist Shrink and Guarding My Darkness”

  1. “You’ve got some pretty dark stuff going on in that head of yours so it’s probably best if you stay off stage.” This made me laugh. But also, truth, right? I wouldn’t want to let anyone muck around in my head with the possibility of me revealing more than I’d like in a roomful of my coworkers.
    Your point about being too Toppy to allow someone else that kind of control also rings true, from what I have heard W say about the topic.

    1. I know the looks I get from co workers when they find out what concerts I go to so if they really knew it might be ugly. In fairness a select few do and are fine with my proclivities.

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