Greetings from the middle of a cornfield, if there is a hell, it is in the heart land and surrounded by cold winds, dark skies and brown desolate fields…and one very disgruntled foul mouthed and morally liberal east coast bastard or more simply put me. That is more or less where I am at the time of penning this little rant, in a make shift “city” in the great state of corn and formerly great state of a college football team dedicated to corn that now at very best sucks balls.
While for those from there might seem like the fourth horseman of the apocalypse but where my current home is had declared the end of the world on AM radio today as I drove to the airport and prepared to climb onto yet another flying phallic symbol. “WHY FOR GOODNESS SAKE WERE YOU LISTENING TO AM RADIO” you bellow at the top of your lungs and it is a point well taken the answer is simple…traffic reports.
The almost cookie cutter alarmist well informed and morally superior radio personalities come on using their 50,000 watts of influence and state “Tweens and teens in Push up Bra’s and thongs perpetrated by Victoria’s Secret”. Now look anyone under 25 is probably far younger than I would entertain more than a passing conversation with on topics of a relationship of any type, unless placing a drink order at a regular stop of a watering hole then that is a relationship that I would fully support even at my somewhat advancing age. But why the outrage? To validate their point, they had two authors whose names I can’t recall but who claimed to “have their pulse on young people and trends” they were billed as best sellers and had written books something like “inner beauty and burlap sacks”, and “keep your kitty to yourself you slut boys and grown men only want sex” ok so I may have gotten the titles wrong but think I caught the general gist of their message quite well.
Yes the world is going to end any day not because Pakistan has been plunged into civil unrest and the nut job terrorists could wind up with the bomb, not because al gore has an ever increasing carbon footprint from running all over the earth telling us how to change our lives (try video conferencing instead of a private jet you big wind bag) but because teen age girls are wearing thongs and push up bras. It’s been a while since I’ve railed against our stupid racist homophobic mentality as a whole but this one got me going yet again. 12 and 13 year old girls with the fashion equivalent of dental floss between their cheeks is the last front of moral decay. Blah blah blah, ironically the push up bra topic got dropped almost immediately from the conversation…why? Because flat house wives wear them to appear to have a racks since they were the age in question might be listening to the show.
“American business will sell what it can without moral regard.” The host and guests all agreed emphatically with the statement. I shuddered at the hypocrisy. Not a word was said about boys going from tighty whities and boxer shorts to skin tight sport briefs. You know if they paraded though town in those the family jewels could and would be on full display. But not a word it was all about girls as sexual objects…just like always.
As I pondered it I wondered what was thought of the decline of hoop skirts, ruffled bloomers and the god awful invention of the tennis skirt and bikini. Moral out rage we must pass out hefty bag like garments to all females immediately or god will smite us. Warnings of the end and utter demise of our moral boundaries probably echoed through the town square and in the papers. Men used to always wear hates in public now it is guys in ball caps, a few older men keeping their bald domes warm and wanna be style conscious nut jobs. (said the shallow man writing this while sitting next to his Burberry overnight bag, talk about hypocrisy!)
Then came the “blame the parents” but I would like to offers some of my own suggestions as to why and how to fix this possible dilemma with my typical tongue in cheek manner.
1. Have a thong burning outside your chosen denomination’s religious establishment. Burning books has worked so well over the last century it really should be expanded to undergarments. While your at it I’ll be across town at the local slut fest having a let’s burn your Granny panties party with your sister and husband who also thinks you’re a maniacal prude.
2. Require that all thong purchases be recorded and insist on the purchasers government issued photo id. Log them into a data base and track these miscreants every movement. It would also help flush out transvestites, cross dressers, homosexuals and couples that believe that there are more than one or possibly two acceptable sexual positions. You really have to watch out for those kinky fucks unless they are ordained ministers or gov’t officials then it is all OK.
3. Random thong inspection stations in publics schools, movies theaters, 4h meetings, and restaurants. Surely nothing could stem the terrible tide of thong wearing girls and women than that. Bloomers would of course be issued on the spot and the thongs seized. Pulled off in a grotesque and painfully embarrassing wedgie until it snapped and was removed over the offender’s head. Women from 6-80 would fall into the legal search range as to avoid profiling.
4. Here’s a keeper hey Susie Fat Ass and Mother Mary Morality. Lose 170 pounds or so, get a skin tuck or two, buys some heels and strut around feeling sexy instead of blobish for a change. Now put down the good book, get thee to a gymnasium, and end your 4 decade love affair with Big Macs, things deep fried in lard and resign your post as president at the local “Any Woman under a size 20 is a Whore” Chapter
5. Only sell them with biblical verses on the front, something about wasting a man’s seed comes to mind, also the one about not coveting things, they there is all the ones about only god can judge.
6. Sell them only in mommy and me packages. Talk about sick that would be troubling.
7. Think of it as a small solution to global warming call your local elected criminal and demant that all sexually based and appealing under garments be made from “green” cotton and silk. Look at it this way less material even in larger sizes, more could be shipped at once the possibilities of positive environmental impact are immeasurable and far out weigh the moral damage they would cause.
Before the conservatives (as if any are brave enough to read me on a regular basis) blurt out. “Malfic you don’t get it”, or “wait until you have a daughter”, or any other number of things implying I’m in the dark. Take this in I have two girls that fit in the age range discussed tween and early teens and guess what their undergarments are none of your fucking business and aren’t really any of mine either unless they are strutting though the house in them. To which a simple “would you put some god damn pants on” usually tends to do the trick.
Let’s take a poll Go to church an Sunday and look at all the good god fearing women there and count the fake tits, push up bras and guestimate the number of thongs. Then next week end go to the local swingers club, count the fake tits and thongs but bet you won’t see many if any push up bra’s and odds are the fake tits and bra’s will be greater per capita at church then with the swing set.
Here’s another fun fact based on my life and my life only. Early on and though my college years most of the morally loose women I knew wore the most conservative undergarments day in and day out and the prudes and non adventurous ones were the most scantily clad under their outer layer.
Now I’m off to start my burlap, bloomers, chastity belts, and more website. I intend to market it to the Religious Right, Hasidic Jews, Environmentalists (they like burlap from what I’m told, oh wait that was hemp my bad) and Moderate Muslims by talking about the benefits of virtue, chastity and the time honored tradition of female sexual repression and then use the profits from their puritan asses to put my kids through college at Berkley or NYU. Which might make them complete ranting nut jobs (like their father) but would at least make them tolerant of others and generally accepting of people as they are regardless of what they do with their genitals and their type of undergarments.