Note: this was written months ago. I am publishing it with out updates, additional insighte, or additions. It was one that was never going to see the light of day but with Sinful Sunday prompt of “Changes” that i have chosen old words and new images for. With all the changes in my world since this was written and so many more looming im the not to distant future the timing seemed right.
What Are My Limits?
Prelude – originally i had planned to write this post in the usual humorous take on me being an aloof fool. Which by all means is absolutely true. But felt it only fair to elbaorate more on some things due a few recent changes and exchanges. Along with questions from friends and partners.
“What are my limits she asked” the truth is i didn’t know the answer. Traditional limits; meaning mine in recent years (the past 2-3) had already been exceeded, boundaries that had just months before been removed. It was almost like being young and awkward again. Unsure of what I would do, and when and where really wasn’t given much thought. Her only fault was being so very tempting and sexy in the right place and at the right time. Ok so no fault at all.
Besides I was a fully consenting sober party who was more than willing. In fact it has been a wonderful thing and reminded me of what i had missed for so long and in a variety of places. In that way it was the perfect storm in terms of my headspace/place in life in general and a wondeful person who turns me on and that i connected with at exactly the right time. Timing as they say is everything.
Normally you see there’s been a pretty firm set of limits in my world in the past few years. Prudish by (most) lifestyle standards. Literally everything had become an item by item pre negoation with external parties before even considering doing anything at all with someone. Alice and in time the Siren were standing exceptions.
There was even a direct request that had a named individual for me “to not sleep” (which later got elaborated on and is worthy of its own post since literally sleeping with her was on that list.) Things that had been unilaterally redefined as sexual contact in and outside of a scene (impact play and bondage-ironically things pretty much limited a scene were fluidly fine and not fine with in minutes at times). Ironically the “don’t sleep with” ask was long before that was even a serious consideration as a possibility with the named party. That was a first, a little stunning but something I abided by.
However fairly recently and prior to us ( the Sexy Little Temtress and me) beginning to see each other in many ways I had reclaimed things back to where they once were in the past over the previous months. It has not been a popular decision with some parties i am involved with (or married to). In fairness was not so much a negotiation but a declaration. Much like the previously changed allowances were.
In other places it has been recieved with fan fare but sadly no large parades or civic celebrations (yet). Maybe one day soon because I would love a sexual re liberation parade in my honor.
I simply said the agreement had traditionally been no PIV with out agreement. It was not no A ,B, and C and 32 other nuanced subsets as its become in the past several years that I have abided by. Those were not working (for me) and have caused regrets in other places because of it. “I am going back to no PIV ” followed by a slightly more delicately worded Take it or leave it.
Personally I was betting the under. And (almost) fully prepared for things to go that way. Instead it worked almost perfectly with me ultimately yeilding on a few other points (testing, contact, what level of detail would be shared to avoid (minimze) jealousy issues, and finally if the proverbial she visits she can’t sleep in “our” bed). It has caused stress and discord but for the most part is working (for me and venture to say us both) quite well now.
You see had this tale followed the typical path of events this is the part in most stories where I would become a bumbling fool. Struggling to slip out of his jeans, trying to at some point remove his socks without falling over in front of a very sexy already naked woman. Worring that his adonis like body of old had reached an all too average middle age type build. Sadly this time the tale despite those things being the case keeps a more serious overtone.
Earlier one evening we (The Sexy Little Temptress) were having a conversation about how every partner you have there is a different connection and dynamic with.
Some things may be the same but the feelings, attractions, activities, and to some point the limits are different. Unique to those individuals and their arrangements. Ironically its parts of that very conversation that apply to this piece and for others benefit why i’m writing it this way.
These next lines in many ways are a dangerous set of words. My relationship with the Blonde for all these years has been deeply influenced by the ones i had prior to her. Yes dinosaurs still walked the earth.
Many of the things that are good are so beacuse of mistakes or situations prior that i had learned from or decided to change/ not repeat. Have no fear I’ve made a lot of new ones. And TCB’s skin still crawls and the mention of “her” predecessor.
In more current events for the most part the Blonde chooses not to or doesn’t share my kinks (at all in recent years). It is a challenge and i’d spent those years walking a line that didn’t necessarily work for either of us (fully). My kinks despited occasional lapses in faith are integral to who I am. They may not define me but are part of the person i am. Put that on a hallmark card…”i’m kinky deal with it or get the fuck out!”
So some back ground. Today I am not a jealous or possevive man (when it comes to my partners. In my professional life I am ruthlessly territorial. God damned capatlists) becuase it was that very behaviour that led to the demise of previous relationships, subsequent ones, and so many around me.
And on the topic of relationships ending I was never bright enough to articulate it but Kendra Holiday of The Beautiful Kind once wrote something to the effect of “That rather than mourn what we’ve lost we should celebrate what we had with that person.” They are words thought about all too often in the past few months.
More recently the Sexy Little Temptress has been the beneficiary of regrets I have from things I failed to do elsewhere. Of places where I had chosen to be (overly) reserved with others for both internal (my own limits at the time) and external (their relationship status and partners). Reasons based on both timing and circumstance not atrraction, desire, or feelings.. All valid, all legitimate. In a crude amercainism now I’ve taken my foot off the brake and gunned it. If there is a curve ahead and sooner or later there will be i’ll take it on two wheels or die in a firetly crash and burn scenario. At least it was at a speed i loved. So now i’m living more as myself than recent history has allowed. The new me is a lot more like the old me but with fewer proverbial fucks given.
At least for me it doesn’t make any of what is shared with others less honest, true, important, or unique to us. But lost is lost and past is past. Learning from those experiences as painful and heart wrenching as they were (and at times still are) has helped. It has forced me to confront my own needs, wants, and desires in a direct and often brutal way. In some cases redefine the needs and wants.
In those heated moments when she asked “What are my limits?” For the first time in a long time I didn’t truly know the answer.
Reaponding to her ineloquently with one hard limit. Everything else was on the table for discussion. It was newly reclaimed ground and involes a wondefful new partner.
Because sometimes enough is enough, because you don’t want to wake up alone in the middle of the night regretting having turned your head one too many times and settling for kiss on the cheek. Of not reaching out and making contact when you had the chance. Of day dreaming about a weekend with someone that would never happen. Of wanting to wake up next to them and have coffee only to not do so but instead wake up alone another 200 times.
So i look back at the past and choose to view it as a beautiful thing that has led me to here. To some maybe I was a mistake, if so i’m sorry but choose to look ahead with optimism, hope and promise that everything on all fronts will become that happiliy ever after that complicated lives never seem to get.
A few final words. I have always done my best to be honsest here about what I write. While at the same time attempting to be sensitive to others and never intentionally hurtful. That of course hasn’t always worked. This post walks down that line of being potenially hurtful to people I do care about dearly, love, and adore. The line is closer than is comfortable in many ways. As is often said “I am a lot of things, many of them not very nice” but in truth really do try to never to hurt anyone’s feelings on purpose. I hope to not have done that here. Things are what they are.
Now if you’ll excuse me i have an orgasm based theme and a bucket list in need of a few more ticked boxes. There it is full disclosure on what has “changed”. Keep your wives and girlfriends away from me as you see fit.