Are You Tender with Her

“Are you tender with her” it was not a question I expected. Not one I had ever been asked. I had to process it. Ask for clarification.

Admitting i wasn’t sure what she meant, which is often the case. She repeated the question “are you tender with her. Kind, supportive, affectionate…” her voice trailed off rather than adding more.

In a way i was taken back. At the same time the question seemed deeply important to her and strangely intiment to me.

“i’m not an abusive jerk.” it wasn’t meant as a defensive statment. “It can be easy to confuse the rough interchanges with the real world dynamic.”  I added on

“i kiss her hello and good bye, there are as many gentle touches as there are rough ones. She feels warm and soft curled up next to me and i very much like that.”

After a short pause “so yes i am tender with her, supportive, polite, and kind…except for the times that we agree that I shouldn’t be.”

 

She simply said.  “Thanks i just wanted to understand.” Amd then moved in to other topics seemingly satisfied on some level that i am more than just my kinks with another.

 

 

Being a Primary Kink Partner

Being a Primary Kink Partner

Being in my own way the Sexy Little Temptress‘ primary kink partner admittedly it  has been a strange place for me to be. Not in a bad way but it is for me a very differnt role. being a peraon (other than the Blonde) primary…well anything.

First off as a reminder I am not normally about possession (in this case luxury cars, wing tips, and suits don’t count), add to that I am very much use to being the “other man” in all of my kink relationships in the past decade or so.  

You know the other man.  The one that whether whispered about or openly celebrated but none the less the one who gets to rough her up and send her back home red, bruised, tired, horny, floaty, or sore to a regular and loving partner after a good night kiss and one more smack on the ass. Jist like a Nickelback song.  Admittedly that really has been good for me although as posts show at times it is also very frustrating and lonely arrangement.

Now though I find myself being that partner who is in a sense the guy whose waiting.  It’s Ok, I like the idea, have no problem in sharing but do find I have a need I usually don’t, to stay connected, to be part of her kink (and everyday world) even when I’m not around.

Because of this I have found myself thinking a lot about a friend who over a few years shared their partner with me without hesitation anytime she chose to see me. (This is not a reference to Raven and Alice- though that too could apply as well).  

I would pick up or arrange to meet the Siren now and again and we’d go do whatever. He took pride in sharing her with me and there never a hint of jealousy.  As point of clarity she chosr to see me of her own free will. He simply suppoted her choice.

While i always appreciated his openness and friendship not once did i ever expect to be in his position with someone a few years later.

But despite that in my own way here I am.  And even though i have begun to think of the Temptress as “mine” in ways it has proved the point that at least in this case the change in roles tobthebome doing the sharing also allows me to walk the proverbial walk.  

That my sense of possession isn’t there in anyway to restrict her other relationships.  God that is so not me. Jealous…nope! Cheerleader…Fucking Right. I want her to have what  she  wants, to be happy. 

So instead of jealous, controlling or possesive. I’m more of a co conspirator as she allows me to share in her adventures as she let’s me know she’s going to X or planning to do Y. It’s not an exhaustive list but it works and  is just enough.  

Along the way that openness will make sure I understand her better, and the extent of my desire to influence what she wants is solely to make sure that she is making safe mindful choices in what she chooses to do and that she values herself.

Could she meet someone who takes my place? Sure. If it happens, it happens.  It’s not that she’s not important to me, it’s not that i wouldn’t miss her.  Life is short and i’m choosing to celebrate what we have for as ever long as it lasts.

A few final notes.

There is nothing wrong with jealousy.  it is a normal reaction.  i am not above being jealous and there may come a point when it happens.  It’s simply not the case  now or a usual thing for me in most cases. excluding suits, shoes and cars or course  as a younger man I was a very jealous person in relationahips. itbis something i worked very  hard on over the years.

I eschew typical  bdsm titles and the concept of “ownership”,  i use to say not even my dog wears a collar.  Since a giant rescue pit bull lives at my house that is no longer true. he has lots of collars and even a few harnesses. that said no one in kink terms does.

In proofing this piece i realized there was recently an ocxasion where rather thanbgoing to an event with the Temptress I chose to skip and keep her to myself.  sometimes i may not share so well and not realize it.

And She Danced

And She Danced” is the first appearance of another person beyond me and and the other previously discussed in my short post series.    In many ways it was the foundation for my earlier People and Their Place and a forth coming “UnEquipped for Poly” post.

 

Mal

 

And She Danced

 

Literally she danced joyous little steps out of nowhere.  She is not a dancer by her own admission in any way, shape, or form.  Yet she stood there smiling and doing what could only be called a dance right where she stood.

My confusion as to why must have been obvious.  “Why are you so happy?”

She looked at me in a way that vehemently and boldly said “how could you not understand!” then eventually relented saying aloud “I was losing you to her. She had become what you thought about and all you wanted. She chose someone else and now I’m no longer losing you.to her.”
And she all but danced merrily out of the room. Her joy pure and genuine. None of it made me feel any better., Frankly whether she had danced or not every single word she said was in no way untrue.

 

She had all but lost me, but now everything had changed. And no matter what nothing would ever be the same.

Sad and Raw

While the third piece in my series of short unedited posts it was actually the first written.   You can Read a Poorly Timed Delay and also Mine – UnRightfully Possessive if so inclined or for additional perspective.  The last sentence of the piece was added after the original draft to provide closure.

Mal

 

 

Sad and Raw

I couldn’t sleep.  I could feel her there. It is something i have craved since that was last the case.  My arms swallow her, her breath on my neck, nestled in. If feels so right, so natural, so completing.

 

Yet life being what it is know that times ike these are limited and will most likely soon will be lost.  The thought that this will be one of the last hit in a way i never expected. Literally laying there instead of joy I could  feel the hole ripping through me already, fraying, as I try not to spiral. To become that guy and withdraw.

 

I was always knew that things would come to this. Nothing else was ever the stated intent outside foolish daydreams.

 

Every word said  about wanting what was best for her. What made her happy, safe and secure were meant and true .   Still i find that despite what is best for her has left me sitting here sad and raw.

 

The wonderfulness really showed more than before how much was missing in my world.  And how empty it will be again.
It has left me sad and raw, and very alone even in others company.

A Poorly Timed Delay

This is the first in a series of  very short posts unlike the ones I would usually Share here.  It is in fact far more personal than I tend to be but a dear friend thought there may be merit in showing a different part of my world.  So I am going to try it.  They have not been edited or revised sine they were written.

Perhaps another poor decision on my part.

 

-Mal

 

A Poorly Timed Delay

 

Just stop. No matter what you’re doing make sure you are being clear. Say what you have to say. Don’t wait, be direct, don’t think is obvious. Be overly direct, not cruel or pleading but clear. Let them know in no uncertain terms what they have come to mean to you.  if not you will regret it.

 

So as i stood in a parking lot for the second time in nine months saying what might be my last goodbye to a person who had become so important in my life, In  far more powerful way others had. In silly Shakespearean manner It killed me.  It was all too much and i had done everything that i swore i wouldn’t. No more letting anyone in, no more being attached, no more being disposable.

 

Yet in the previous 72 hours i had openly admitted to having done that and worse. I let the words escape my mouth, the foolish dreams, the impossible.  Admission of things i wanted to say differently, during happier times. To be reassured of or at least know how she felt and where i stood in her world. In importance to her.

Yet i couldn’t watch her leave, I couldn’t look back,  I am not emotional, 99.9999% of the time I am completely bullet proof. Unfortunately the week included a bomb I never expected.

Places and People

Places and People

 

This is one of those. In many ways deeply personal and probably only really relevant to the few its words touches.

Relationships are infinitely complex things. And no matter how free and open if there is any lingering intentions or planned future beyond miss last night on whatever level people begin to have a need to understand their place.

For years i have referred to the Blonde as my primary partner. After all we share a home, have a family, pool finances, are legally married and on the rare occasion that the need occurs appear at extended family functions together. That does not mean others are not important. Perhaps that very term really needs rethought on my part.  The Sexy Little Temptress and I are trying to find where we truly fit in each others lives.   At first i thought of calling this entire post “UnBalanced -a guide to mismanaging multiple relationships” after all i am very damn proficient at exactly that. In fact i can trash a perfectly wonderful thing faster than Led Zeppelin could destroy a hotel floor in their prime.

The Blonde and I are “working” on our relationship. Part of the challenge really comes not only with figuring out how to best incorporate others perhaps in a way we’ve not done before into but much of it is how should we actually incorporate ourselves back into our relationship. She by the way disputes this view point. It’s all fine, it’s  working and she is fully committed. Etc. So basically good old Mal is the unhappy asshole.

 The reality is I am never there (home). As has been said before It is a life I chose and continue to pursue aggressively.  With that comes the things i have written about over the years; money, fancy clothes, hotel suites, beautiful women, and cars.  I have continued to advance and am at point where the demands are all consuming.  Add to that having been recently have been asked things like “will your wife or your friend be attending with you.”

At another upcoming event next year i need a companion both for social and professional reasons.  The Blonde is unavailable due to an unavoidable conflict and a list of possible options was discussed.

Some answers during the conversation were “her husband would shoot me”, “My mother wouldn’t come without Dad”, and some of hers were “how are you going to explain spending a week with a woman who is not your wife on the continent afterwards”  for the record “it’s cool they’re mostly European” was apparently not a reasonable answer and deemed to be to open of an admission for the audience. 

After some debate and schedule wrangling Diva our oldest will be my plus one.  You see it’s complicated and not one of these complications has a damn thing to do with sex, kink, or an alternative lifestyle (assuming you do not consider my profession it’s own fucked up lifestyle).  It really has more to do with companionship and social need as it does sex. 

My reputation is that I am a man who always seems to have a woman’s company.  It is accurate but most times it’s really harmless, a little flirtation, attraction, and some conversation but nothing more; except of course when its not. Though i’m a hall of fame teflon type.

 

 Which raises – A Question of My Role

I am a friend and lover. In some ways we have experimented with a power exchange dynamic (stay tuned as this gets its own post in a few more weeks). And at times have reacted in a very D/s manner even outside of an active scene.  In my defense she was being flirty/feisty and trying to push my buttons. And well sometimes despite social conventions Tops will be Tops even if only in body position and a few seemingly innocuous words.

But just like others who want to know and feel secure of their place in my world I have the same need in my own way. It takes a lot for me to be unguarded. Yet i am considering what i can truly do to make more time for the Sexy Little Temptress.

 What does our relationship become and can I be there often enough to make a relationship beyond being a friend and cheerleader work in the way she needs?  Let alone one with power exchange dynamic? And does she even want to have that with me?  

Is she my primary kink relationship (actually she already is) and in turn in a unique way i’m hers.  The term in and of itself seems  too limiting. It doesn’t capture the powerful connection we share far beyond chips, dips, chains and whips. Sure it may include candle wax on her nipples (for you Kiddo’s out there it’s a Weird Science movie reference) and elsewhere.

 How and when does she get incorporated into my life in a bigger way? Is she something the Blonde is willing to truly accept and not just acknowledge?  People and places is an increasingly complex situation.

So as the relationship status reads “It’s Complicated”

 

 

 

What Are My Limits

Note: this was written months ago. I am publishing it with out updates, additional insighte, or additions.  It was one that was never going to see the light of day but with Sinful Sunday prompt of “Changes”  that i have chosen old words and new images for. With all the changes in my world since this was written and so many more looming im the not to distant future the timing seemed right. 

 

What Are My Limits?

Prelude – originally i had planned to write this post in the usual humorous take on me being an aloof fool.  Which by all means is absolutely true. But felt it only fair to elbaorate more on some things due a few recent changes and exchanges. Along with questions from friends and partners.
“What are my limits she asked”  the truth is i didn’t know the answer.  Traditional limits; meaning mine in recent years (the past 2-3) had already been exceeded, boundaries that had just months before been removed. It was almost like being young and awkward again. Unsure of what I would do, and when and where really wasn’t given much thought.    Her only fault was being so very tempting and sexy in the right place and at the right time.  Ok so no fault at all.
 Besides I  was a fully consenting sober party who was more than willing.  In fact it has been a wonderful thing and reminded me of what i had missed for so long and in a variety of places.  In that way it was the perfect storm in terms of my headspace/place in life in general and a wondeful person who turns me on and that i connected with at exactly the right time.  Timing as they say is everything.
Normally you see there’s been a pretty firm set of limits in my world in the past few years. Prudish by (most) lifestyle standards. Literally everything had become an item by item pre negoation with external parties before even considering doing anything at all with someone. Alice and in time the Siren were standing exceptions.
 There was even a direct request that had a named individual for me “to not sleep” (which later got elaborated on and is worthy of its own post since literally sleeping with her was on that list.) Things that had been unilaterally redefined as sexual contact in and outside of a scene (impact play and bondage-ironically things pretty much limited a scene were fluidly fine and not fine with in minutes at times). Ironically the “don’t sleep with” ask was long before that was even a serious consideration as a possibility with the named party. That was a first, a little stunning but something I abided by.
However fairly recently and prior to us ( the Sexy Little Temtress and me) beginning to see each other in many ways I had reclaimed things back to where they once were in the past over the previous months. It has not been a popular decision with some parties i am involved with (or married to).  In fairness was not so much a negotiation but a declaration. Much like the previously changed allowances were.
In other places it has been recieved with fan fare but sadly no large parades or civic celebrations (yet). Maybe one day soon because I would love a sexual re liberation parade in my honor.
I simply said the agreement had traditionally been no PIV with out agreement.  It was not no A ,B, and C and 32 other nuanced subsets as its become in the past several years that I have abided by. Those were not working (for me) and have caused regrets in other places because of it. “I am going back to no PIV ” followed by a slightly more delicately worded Take it or leave it.
Personally I was betting the under. And (almost) fully prepared for things to go that way.  Instead it worked almost perfectly with me ultimately yeilding on a few other points (testing, contact, what level of detail would be shared to avoid (minimze) jealousy issues, and finally if the proverbial she visits she can’t sleep in “our” bed). It has caused stress and discord but for the most part is working (for me and venture to say us both) quite well now.
 You see had this tale followed the typical path of events this is the part in most stories where I would become a bumbling fool. Struggling to slip out of his jeans, trying to at some point remove his socks without falling over in front of a very sexy already naked woman. Worring that his adonis like body of old had reached an all too average middle age type build. Sadly this time the tale despite those things being the case keeps a more serious overtone.
Earlier one evening we (The Sexy Little Temptress) were having a conversation about how every partner you have there is a different connection and dynamic with.
 Some things may be the same but the feelings, attractions, activities, and to some point the limits are different.  Unique to those individuals and their arrangements. Ironically its parts of that very conversation that apply to this piece and for others benefit why i’m writing it this way.
These next lines in many ways are a dangerous set of words. My relationship with the Blonde for all these years has been deeply influenced by the ones i had prior to her. Yes dinosaurs still walked the earth.
Many of the things that are good are so beacuse of mistakes or situations prior that i had learned from or decided to change/ not repeat.  Have no fear I’ve made a lot of new ones. And TCB’s skin still crawls and the mention of “her” predecessor.
In more current events for the most part the Blonde  chooses not to or doesn’t share my kinks (at all in recent years). It is a challenge and i’d spent those years walking a line that didn’t necessarily work for either of us (fully). My kinks despited occasional lapses in faith are integral to who I am. They may not define me but are part of the person i am. Put that on a hallmark card…”i’m kinky deal with it or get the fuck out!”
So some back ground. Today I am not a jealous or possevive man (when it comes to my partners. In my professional life I am ruthlessly territorial. God damned capatlists) becuase it was that very behaviour that led to the demise of previous relationships, subsequent ones, and so many around me.
And on the topic of relationships ending I was never bright enough to articulate it but Kendra Holiday of The Beautiful Kind once wrote something to the effect of “That rather than mourn what we’ve lost we should celebrate what we had with that person.”  They are words thought about all too often in the past few months.
More recently the Sexy Little Temptress has been the beneficiary of regrets I have from things I failed to do elsewhere. Of places where I had chosen to be (overly) reserved with others for both internal (my own limits at the time)  and external (their relationship status and partners). Reasons based on both timing and circumstance not atrraction, desire, or feelings.. All valid, all legitimate.  In a crude amercainism now I’ve taken my foot off the brake and gunned it. If there is a curve ahead and sooner or later there will be i’ll take it on two wheels or die in a firetly crash and burn scenario.  At least it was at a speed i loved. So now i’m living more as myself than recent history has allowed. The new me is a lot more like the old me but with fewer proverbial  fucks given.
At least for me it doesn’t make any of what is shared with others less honest, true, important, or unique to us.  But lost is lost and past is past. Learning from those experiences as painful and heart wrenching as they were (and at times still are) has helped.  It has forced me to confront my own needs, wants, and desires in a direct and often brutal way. In some cases redefine the needs and wants.
In those heated moments when she asked “What are my limits?” For the first time in a long time I didn’t truly know the answer.
Reaponding to her ineloquently with one hard limit. Everything else was on the table for discussion.  It was newly reclaimed ground and involes a wondefful new partner.
Because sometimes enough is enough, because you don’t want to wake up alone in the middle of the night regretting having turned your head one too many times and settling for kiss on the cheek. Of not reaching out and making contact when you had the chance. Of day dreaming about a weekend with someone that would never happen. Of wanting to wake up next to them and have coffee only to not do so but instead wake up alone another 200 times.
So i look back at the past and choose to view it as a beautiful thing that has led me to here. To some maybe I was a mistake, if so i’m sorry but choose to look ahead with optimism, hope and promise that everything on all fronts will become that happiliy ever after that complicated lives never seem to get.
 Postlude
A few final words. I have always done my best to be honsest here about what I write. While at the same time attempting to be sensitive to others and never intentionally hurtful. That of course hasn’t always worked. This post walks down that line  of being potenially hurtful to people I do care about dearly, love, and adore. The line is closer than is comfortable in many ways.  As is often said “I am a lot of things, many of them not very nice” but in truth really do try to never to hurt anyone’s feelings on purpose. I hope to not have done that here. Things are what they are.
Now if you’ll excuse me i have an orgasm based theme and a bucket list in need of a few more ticked boxes. There it is full disclosure on what has “changed”.  Keep your wives and girlfriends away from me as you see fit.

The Rather Unremarkable Demise of Red

The rather unremarkable demise of Red

I’ve put off this post for quite a while.  As the title indicates Red and I didn’t work out. Actually we both still work out but us dating didn’t work.  

 

She had originally asked me out when I felt another relationship was sailing towards the rocks.  In case you have forgotten  I also have a penis and she is hot.  So you have an angry, potenially lonely penis wielding human watching the nature of a relationship with treasured person in his world change.  So of course after trying the “I’m married” bit and her not giving two fucks i agreed to coffee.   

 

I still miss that treasured individual everyday single day and not to be a dick that isn’t even close to the case with Red. In fact the only real emotion i have when thinking about her is dread and the need to close out  the story line associated with her or if she’ll be in class with me next time i practice.

 

So look when first approached it was and still is very flattering that she pursued me.  She was as i indicated in the posts about her both very beautiful and seems to be a genuinely nice person. Her taste in men might be suspect, based on nothing else than pursuing me.  

 

My being married didn’t matter…which made it interesting in a way. “Does your wife know you’re here” and my reply of yes of course or no she thinks i’m out smoking crack with three hookers made me a bit of a novelty.  And despite all those facts we never really clicked. Or she never really clicked for me.

 

It happens, no big deal.  No hard feelings and no broken hearts, on occasion when i see her we chat for a few seconds then go back to rolling around silently in a hot dark room with other strangers.

 

in fact dating Red was doomed from the start. I wasn’t sure i wanted to do anything that was pure Vanilla but said yes.  See thebpenisbwileding human statement.  I was not looking for a random hook up, booty call or whatever.   In discussing the need to publish this post with the Sexy Little Temptress i admitted “I never want another vanilla relationship…EVER.”  Of course the intent of that statement is play and romantic partners.  We all need vanilla friends if for no other reason to remind us how much more fun our lives are and to watch them get drunk at parties and complain about monogamy and the lack of sex.  However i digress.

 

So Red and I are done. We were done before we began.  Not many people get let into my world, The ones that do are very few and very far between. They  have to put up with the insanity that is my life,  my (other) relationships, and a lot of baggage.  Sometimes literal baggage like two huge suitcases.

 

So stopping being a sarcastic dick there were some very good things that came from this.  More friends are always nice and i’d venture to say we may be friends.  It not at least Red and I are nodding acquaintances.  

 

It is nice to feel attractive and desired.  She did that by showing interest and when most if not all of my (romantic and kink) relationships were very very challenged. In large part due to my own head space.

 

I knew but trying to do the “normal” dating thing did really help me redefine how important kink is to me. My primary relationship may not have any hint of a power exchange in it but that will be a one and only  exception.

 

In other news our new dog does wear a collar unlike our old pup from by gone years. At kink events i can honestly say there is a creature who is both collared and wears a chest harness on a daily basis in the house.

  Talk about street cred.
If another hot vanilla asks me out what will i do?  Be charming, polite, and hope the “let me ask my wife, girlfriend and lover if it’s ok” bit scares them away.  

The Triumphant Return of Mr Insensitive

The Triumphant Return of Mr Insensitive

Trigger Warning – This post deals with the Divorce or two couples we know.  While accurate is a bit cold and detached because well I’m kind of an asshole and additionally they really are not part of our lives and I’m not “involved” with with any the parties

-Mal 

 

Setting the record straight I have very rarely claimed to not be an asshole. Let’s first look at the Month of May. I was home on nights of the 7th and 8th. The Night of the 13th and all day on the 14th and 15th. And then the 27th until now but in that case the Chesty Blonde didn’t get home until the 30th. So now that we’ve established I’m an Asshole with no life let’s pick back up on the Night of the 30th at a Mexican place about a mile from the house.

This post started as a tweet in case it looks familiar. But was worth expanding on
TCB- “X and Y are getting divorced”
Mister Insensitive – “They’re both Assholes, so I can see that.”
So in this case X and Y actually have already been mentioned because it was their “situation” that was the basis of the Bad Marriage Advice post.
TCB “ Doesn’t that bother you? Not even a little bit?”
Mister Insensitive – “Nope” hoping this was the end of this conversation.

Oh look here he comes in a German Luxury Sedan, it is the triumphant return of Mr Insensitive! So while I’m being an uncensored dick let’s be completely honest., I don’t really know either of them on any meaningful level beyond their names, and the fact I liked their dog. I “tolerated” them at a few functions but had absolutely no desire to put up with her constant and obvious need for endless high drama bullshit or his chain smoking, whiskey bottle gulping, drunken frat boy antics. So the fact I could care less that they were having martial issues really is on the same scale as my concern for anything they were doing. Did I mention their one redeeming factor was I like their dog? In fact I like most dogs more than most people so it’s probably not a shock. So as far as I was concerned they should have fun, be who they are, I’ll be at a safe distance.
In others words. Not only was I not in any way emotionally invested in their domestic bliss any more than I am on the latest the mayoral election in Krakow Poland…I could really not have given less of a shit in general. It has no bearing on anything in my selfish little universe. So other than not wishing them any harm I was about as indifferent as possible.

TCB was obviously looking for more from me. I could tell by her expression.
Me – “I saw the moving truck on Saturday…or Sunday. Not sure which. Figured something was going on.”
TCB – “So what do you really think?”
Me – I hope he’s fucking that bar tender she accused him of liking. And maybe six or seven of her slutty friends.”
TCB – “How do you know she has six or seven slutty friends?”
Me “Actually I don’t know for a fact that she has six or seven slutty friends. But as a rule of thumb I figure everyone has six or seven slutty friends. (I proceed to name hers) unless they’re like me and are lucky and have far more.”  Note she is not amused by either my ability to tell her which of her friends are slutty (and their is never the implication that that is in any way a bad thing) or by the fact that according to “normal” standards all of mine are.   Which I think is wonderful because despite being an asshole I think freedom of sexual expression makes the world a better place.

I hit a nerve, so rather than solve what the issue was dipped a chip in Salsa, eyed the queso and a jalapeno , and wondered where my carnitas verde was. The topic shifts to something else. 10 minutes later. She adds out of no where “R&R are getting divorced.” Now I see the real issue. Unlike the couple we had been discussing this is one we’ve known for 15+ years, have ties to one’s family (one is the brother of one of her best friends who happens to be married to my old drummer.), Lil and their kids played together, we went to the beach with our extended families, and countless other things. This time I decided to think before answering.

Then in my usual sensitive fashion “ Hell I’d divorce him just to escape his family”. It was said only half in jest. I love his family, they are wonderful people but I could never function inside that high level closely intertwined type of structure. As an outsider I can come and go from those functions and enjoy it.  Unlike them who have to be at the same place to see the same people at the same time every week, it is just not my style. Fuck I’m lucky if I know what State or Country I’m going to be in let alone having to be at So and So’s house for 6 hours every Sunday.
TCB – “They were in counseling for… a very long time. It’s been really hard on him.”
Now I felt bad but I’m a realist and partnerships often don’t work in romance, life, or business.

“Too much pressure” I offered. The Blonde looked at me, obviously not following.

“He’s putting too much pressure on himself. No one on either side of his family has ever gotten a divorce. So fucking Catholic. All guilt and suffering. People break up all the time. It sounds mutual and as civil as possible. So one moved out and they’ll both move on. The kids are older so no real disruption to their lives and routines. They both work and there is little income disparity so the financial burden isn’t terrible. Assets are pretty basic. It should be fairly clean and easy.”

TCB “ That is really cold.” She paused “ but accurate. It’s scary how your mind works. Everything is some type of transaction or another, a calculation of liabilities and exposure against gains.”
Me – “ You think my mind is scary from out there try living with it for a day” I laughed but wasn’t kidding. I know I’m an asshole, I know all too well what floats through my thoughts, and at even the most inopportune times exactly how calculating it can be. A walking actuary table.  It is an occupational hazard, a byproduct of what I am more or less “made to do”. Lions Hunt prey, I analyze situations and structure deals. Sometimes those terms are cruel though usually they are very fair.  Still ugliness is part of every agreement.  Puts and Takes.

 

Am I happy either couple is getting divorced? Of course not. In one case there truly is no feelings on the matter, their situation is little more than a passing head line on a news story I won’t read. The other sure it’s sad, Shit happens, and being a cold heartless prick. Maybe it’s for the better. Perhaps both will ultimately be infinitely happier.  Sometimes happily ever after is somewhere different than where the story begins.

And that is probably what upset her, the fact that I know and accept that so easily.  The fact that I didn’t offer platitudes or reassurances of any kind.  At the time it was not intentional I was a lion looking at a wounded gazelle; hungry or not there was another meal.  And like the lion I was doing what nature made me to do, looking at the assets and finding the upside or limiting the damage.  Happy endings are for massages and Disney movies.   Me I like pixies and nymphs…they’re more my speed and very erotic little creatures.  And there my friends you have the triumphant return of Mr Insensitive. Hope fully the next installment will involve more pixies and nymphs fornicating and less divisions of assets and dead gazelles (or relationships).

Bad Marriage Advice

Look I’m the person people come to with tough questions. Real problems and genuine things that they need help (or want me to) solve. And in truth I’m pretty fucking awesome at helping, getting them to the right resources and or getting them to find solutions. I am cool under pressure, brutal but well intentioned, and often a force to be reckoned with. That is unless of course its marriage or relationship advice. Then I’m Hurricane mal and can only offer Bad Marriage Advice

Most Recently
It’s a Friday night. I’m “being social” with a group of (The Blonde’s) acquaintances. Normally they are nice people who I tolerate well in small doses and some of who I actually enjoy. That night was not one of those nights.

One is going on about how she’s upset that her husband is attracted to another woman. Seriously high drama bat shit crazy high school BS. I try to stay out of it.

I defer twice. Then when cornered start a complete and utter shit storm.

Radom Party going woman – “Don’t you think its terrible he’s attracted to her (meaning another woman)?”
Me- No. I think it’s normal and probably healthy actually.
Woman married to said man- “We’re married! I’ve had his children, and this is what he does!”
Me – “Is he fucking her?”
Woman- “Pardon me! What did you ask?”
Me- “I asked is he fucking the woman he’s attracted to?”
Woman- “absolutely not!”
Me – “So what’s the problem?”
Woman – head spinning spewing world class diatribe hateful anti male speech about how we’re all the same.
Me- “So you’ve never been attracted to someone who isn’t your husband since you became a couple?”
Woman- not in the same way.
Me- oh ok.

Enter the ire of other woman who are now offended by me.
“What if the TCB liked X.”

Me – ok

Woman 2 – What if he was flirting with her?

Me- “She’s hot. Who could blame him.”

Woman 3 “And I suppose TCB knows when some woman catches your eye.”

Me – “Usually”

Back to high drama wife where it all began “So I kicked him out!” because this obviouly all about her.
Friends cheer and applaud her statement.

The crowd begins advocating kicking all bastard husbands out for basically nothing even by my estimation of vanilla standards..

Me – that’s a great idea. Nothing makes a man think I want to stay here and put up with your bull shit more than making him sleep somewhere else.

A chorus that amounted to shut the fuck up rang out.
Me – “So you kicked him out because when he admitted to being attracted to another woman? And you’re the one who brought it up right?”

High Drama Wife – “You’re damn right I kicked him out” another soliloquy on having had children “for him”.

Now I’m an asshole and a moron but I think in America women have the ability to decide to have children…or not.

Me – “that’s brilliant. Kick him out for a simply natural reaction. Most men will now be where ever with said woman fucking her six ways from Sunday. And why not you attacked him for being human.  Odds are if it’s not the one you’re losing your mind over it will be a different woman in less than a week.”

A Choir of rage an hatred that can be summed up into – “Fucking asshole!”

Me – yep. It’s a well documented fact I’m a fucking asshole.

Another chorus that amounted to shut the fuck up broke out.

Me – Monogamy is stupid.

 

Some stunned silence, some still challenging my fucked up view of the situation, others consoling my poor wife.

I exit stage left and head to the liquor store to buy the group more hooch,

Truth is I give a lot of bad marriage advice. Sex life isn’t working. Try to fix it then trade out, up, or add another partner.

Husband doesn’t appreciate you, ignores you etc. – Pull the rip cord and get the fuck out.

I’ve lost lifelong friends over honest answers to what I thought of their partners and or future spouse.

Look my own choices are just that mine. The Blonde and I have very different views on the world yet somehow manage to make it work civilly if not well (most of the time). She does believe that monogamy is normal. I don’t and think Poly makes perfect sense.   Most people can’t separate love and sex…once their out of college or say “I Do”.

 

Hell other than PIV i’m from the Bill Clinton school of sexual relations.   It’s fun, it may be sexual but it is not in the biblical sense actually sex.  Then again I think rope can just be rope and not have a sexual element to it.  I think impact play can be like pick up basketball and I accept that my views aren’t main stream and don’t pretend they are.

So if you want to make things worse than they already are come to me. I excel at bad Marriage advice.

 

Postlude – So Lil overheard/was present for a conversation the Blonde and I about this.  It was a difficult thing for me because TCB was in part in alignment with the wife in question.  She was emotional about it and thought the wife while overly dramatic had a legitimate concern. And those feeling are valid.  I was diametrically opposed.  Granted the couple in question are a “normal” couple.  I’m not the best judge of what that should mean to others who don’t see the world though an open lens. I freely admit I understand the rules of kink, swingers, and Poly folks far better than the variances in a traditional relationship.  Ironically Lil told me that I have an ability to compartmentalize my life that most others don’t. to separate Work, Personal, Love, Sex, kink and relationships into different boxed. Apparently that is unique.  I’m just a special kind of fucked up as usual.