Malflic

Ok consider this fair warning for those of you that are newer readers. I mix in a bit of inane work related crap (whining, moaning, and lampooning the allegedly good life) and travel stories (bitching about the travel challenged) with my smut. I like to think I’m a deviant with a sense of humor.

So there I am suited up in my bluest blue suit, wearing my shiniest ego boosting black shoes, crisp white shirt, lucky cuff links and my favorite yellow shark tie in a proper Windsor knot that might have been cutting off the circulation based on what I’m about to tell you.

In front of me is a stack of paper thick enough to be War and Peace and enough red ink on it to make my bitch first grade teacher yell out in her insane ranting shrill voice “I told you that you’d be nothing more than a total fuck up! And you still can’t spell you stupid Pollock!!!”

She would be right about the spelling thing…to which I’d yell ” SPELLING TEACHERS ARE DINOSAURES…SPELL CHECK AND EA’s BITCH!”

Lawyers like to red line shit…it makes them happy. Oh yeah I’ve got enough lawyers around me to support and object to a recall of the Florida and Michigan democratic primaries for the next century. My lead counsel is sharp as hell and I really like her. Not something you’ll hear me say about most attorneys. Often I like what they do for me, I work with them because they are proficient and ruthless but don’t care for them as people. Seemingly “J” has a good soul and I genuinely enjoy our conversations. I didn’t pick her personally she was assigned to the project but I’m happy she was.

We’re arguing back and forth, they call it negotiating but it is really just civilized arguing. I want to fuck you out of this and won’t let you fuck me out of that. Add a little red ink. I want your soul to rot in hell despite the fact I’m the one who committed heinous acts during my life. Add some more red ink. You know the standard territorial pissing contest that is the business of corporate greed in America.

After several hours too long of working though a few points that if you need to sleep I can elaborate on for you pertaining to international tax remittance liability, currency fluctuations and the invoiced amounts owed that increase or decrease based on the value of the dollar against the in nation’s currency at a fixed point in the day vs the time of order and of course export compliance. I’m bored to tears and we shift topics in the name of progress. I’m nothing more than lovely window dressing, I don’t negotiate legal points and frankly am very happy about that.

We begin debating what countries are to be included in the contract and whether said territories are in fact sovereign nations or the possessions of other sovereign nations. Here’s a hint if you ever catch me staring at anything that the UN has provided like its officially recognized countries list run away from me quickly.

Often I say insane shit as a way just being a dick and amusing myself. Like the time a few months back when in a very snooty section of Northern Virginia the book store clerk who was obviously superior to me was being a complete jag off when I asked for help looking for a title. Then I made him help me try to find a Mouth Full of Razor Blades by Rev John Sleestaxx in the spirituality section for 30 minutes. (true story) I had him looking on the computer, insisting that they had to have it! Acting appalled when he couldn’t find any trace of it and told him that’s why I buy most of my stuff from Amazon.

Three of the islands we were debating on including is this charles manson post massacre legal agreement were named but actually completely uninhabited and several more had less than 60 residents. I try not to go to towns with 60 residents let alone islands.

I was growing tired of the business at hand and based on some posts a friend of mine had made on here about wanting to start a new island nation came to mind during a long tense pause with both sides glaring at each other, while flaring their nostrils, and sharpening their claws so we could continue to fight about everything that didn’t really matter. I make the idiotic statement “Yeah I’ve always wanted to find an island and declare it my own kingdom”.

The room full of carnivores look at me and “J” admits she wants to do the same thing. Both sides find a common ground and explain to me that there are international laws that allow for such action to be taken by in habiting an uninhabited island for a certain period of time. And that they’ve thought of it themselves. Reall is that what lawyers think abouyt when not screwing people for money?  See us sales abd business guys when were not thinking baout making money are thinking about screwing. Well that and golf, and fast cars, and boats.

I call bull shit thinking it was a chance to screw with the moron who wasn’t a lawyer. They all spend the next 30 minutes explaining to me what the requirements are, the probability of succeeding, and other information that I didn’t want or need. Tax attorneys, contract lawyers, compliance specialists, and a host of others who wasted thousands of dollars of legal fees on enthusiastically answering my question. Guess even they get tired of fighting and need a distraction.

BTW when after I got on a plane and went back about my regular business three nano seconds after I landed and fired up my Crack Berry there was an email from my lead counsel. There are seven US islands in the south pacific that are uninhabited that she’s considered “…but the severe weather patterns are most likely why they are un inhabited”

I expect a complete global list of uninhabited locales by Monday. Sadly I’m actually not kidding but “J” is my new idol!