Malflic

For the record this in not fiction in any way, shape, or form.  Seat 3c from EWR to STL.  It’ll make more sense as you read on.

After a road trip that started in the middle of last week and took me though the weekend well into Monday afternoon I was functioning on less than 4 hours a night of sleep the entire time and as I poured my exhausted ass out of the car and into the airport finally heading home all I really wanted was to kiss the Blonde and pat her on the ass, pet the dog, eat a bowl of cereal and have a glass of milk. Sure I got a few great blogs along the way you’ll all get to see shortly but needed a nap on the damn plane.

We board and the regional jet, it’s only about half full. The first thing that caught my attention was the very well known photographer who walked on the plane and sat in front of me. I’m too fucking tired to really care and probably can’t carry on a conversation. So I don’t say a word, if there’s a need to meet her I’ll call the studio or attend a show.

Following her is a large dark haired guy in his late teens or early 20’s. He’s big, kind of round and from appearances not a menacing being despite his stature. More of a shuffler than a predator in his un-tucked wrinkled buttoned up oxford, faded blue chino’s, sneakers, and outward signs of a religious faith that were impossible to miss.

Everyone’s on board, the if we crash you’re dead announcements start and I put my shades on lean against the window and close my eyes. No rest for the wicked and 15 minutes later we are in the air, early. A few minutes after leaving terra firma the guy I had described moves across diagonally in front of me into an empty row and whips out a magazine.

I read and write on planes so no big deal but a few minutes later he’s got the Shpilkes so bad that it’s pissing me off from 5 feet away. I look over and he’s got a Playboy opened to the center fold (the 16 hottest Russian Girls or something like that issue, Red background blonde chick with a furry white muff on the cover). Tit’s and ass out on display right there on the plane. Not something I would necessarily do but I’m no prude there wasn’t a kid on the plane so back to trying to mind my own business. The photographer in front of me noticed and eventually shot me a glance back like do you believe this guy.

Fact is it that was only the beginning because apparently the man was starting to get a little wood from his reading literature and the next thing you know he’s pulling at his crotch to make room for a growing member. A few minutes later he’s doing the same thing and not in a discreet manner.

Omar the Tent maker was now having real issues with the restrictions his pants and tightie whiteies were having on him and began an elaborate package adjustment process that was more annoying than his previous fidgeting.

Then he starts again, reading and touching, it was like watching a train wreck, a glimpse of a nude picture here, a rub on the head there.

Look nothing is wrong with masturbation in general, wax the dolphin, and beat the bishop until you’re little heart’s content do it until you’ve had enough, do it until you’re so raw you can’t stand to touch it anymore. None of my business if you jack off like a mentally deranged lunatic 100 times a day more power to you…if you’re in private.

Hell I’ve had lovers go on an exhibitionist solo mission right in front of me that would have made many a man have inadequacy issues, Other than eventual boredom I could have cared less.

He continues on reading and is now up to a full scale choke the chicken crotch rub right through his Dockers still sitting there in plain sight. I want to lean over and ask him to kindly head to the lav whip it out and finish shooting putty at the moon in private.

Now there is a certain irony to the entire event since just last week I wrote a yet to be posted piece that about having sex in public called “118 seconds of bliss” on the air train at the same terminal I was leaving again. It is making me seriously rethink ever posting it.

He goes on with the read touch repeat routine for an hour until finally I think he forgot to go back to the read part and lingered a bit too long on the touch part and must have creamed his jeans. Oh well there’s a subset of the mile high club I’ve never joined and never intend too. And since when do a pair of cotton pants feel good? I’m thinking rug burn.

And the perverted fuck never stood up to wipe himself off…he just changed his radin material to the in flight magazine. I’m never wearing shorts on a plane again…a full body condom maybe but not shorts.

The best of this week’s blogs by the bloggers who blog them. Highlighting the top 3 posts as chosen by Sugasm participants. Want in Sugasm #133? Submit a link to your best post of the week using this form. Participants, repost the link list within a week and you’re all set.

This Week’s Picks

Fuck The Pope.
“The Church would have you believe that abstinence should be sufficient.”

Good Boy
“Despite my outward appearance, I still felt sexy as hell knowing what was underneath those misleading garments.”

May Masturbation Challenge: Progress Report day 10
“At the Dee & Apollo household, it’s early on Day 10 of the May Masturbation Challenge. ”

Mr. Sugasm Himself (one from the vaults)

The US Constitution Erotic Coloring Book

Editor’s Choice
UK Criminal Justice Bill Clause 63 - but what is “extreme”? - A Beginners Guide

More Sugasm
Join the Sugasm

See also: Fleshbot’s Sex Blog Roundup each Tuesday and Friday.

(Sugasm participants should re-post all the links above within a week. The following links may be excluded as long as you include all the above links.)

BDSM & Fetish

The best of this week’s blogs by the bloggers who blog them. Highlighting the top 3 posts as chosen by Sugasm participants. Want in Sugasm #135? Submit a link to your best post of the week using this form. Participants, repost the link list within a week and you’re all set.

This Week’s Picks

Tantra is work and a two way street
“Tantra is hard work and is not all light and orgasmic play.”

Nyotaimori
“She smiles wantonly, but says nothing.”

Submit
“But when you’re really attracted to someone, and part of that attraction is to their dominance, it almost gives you a second wind for pain.”

Mr. Sugasm Himself
Sugar Bank

Editor’s Choice

Discussing a lifestyle event with strangers

More Sugasm
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See also: Fleshbot’s Sex Blog Roundup each Tuesday and Friday.

Every thing you never thought to ask and Maflicisms.  A small tribute to the shit that come out of his mouth.

For any one who knows him in real life the one thing we all know is that you can never be certain of what’s going to come out of his mouth in any situation. This is a page put together by his closest friends who put up with his bull shit and to poke a bit of fun at him.

Malflic has a caustically sharp wit and speaks with a profanity laden forked tongue, unless he’s angry.

“It’s when he stops making dick jokes and cursing enough to make a sailor blush that people who know him taken get out of the way. If his voice goes from angry to even and calm something very bad is going to happen”. Victoria Christensen

Sure for those of you who are gamblers the odds are in your favor that no matter what he’s says it will include the word fuck.

“The man has the most prolific use of the word Fuck I’ve ever seen. He can use it 4 times in a sentence with out being repetitive. One time it’s a noun, the next a verb, occasionally a pronoun and I’ve even heard him use Fuck as a supposition” an acquaintance Chris F. 2002

If his lips are moving there’s probably a not so thinly veiled sexual reference not too far in the distance even if the situation has absolutely nothing to do with sex.

“I talk exclusively on the speaker phone. If God called I’d still be talking on the speaker phone but if I see it’s Malflic’s number not only do I answer using the hand set but I usually close my office door just to be safe.” Prefers to remain anonymous

How many business majors do you know who were philosophy minors? Odds are none.

Here’s a fun fact he once spent an entire year debating the question in a senior level philosophy class debating the question “ if being a hit man is an innately evil profession what makes a good hit man good”. His view points while at first were un popular and divided the class of several hundred during debates. By the end of the second term he had all but six people backing his arguments and threatened those who weren’t with “philosophical force” – no one still knows what he meant by that.

Add to that his 4 very poorly spoken foreign languages (although the Spanish and Italian are passable except for when he mixes up the verbs”

“One he was told by a customs agent to quit speaking French because it hurt his ears. So he switched to Spanish until the customs agent ask if he spoke English. His retort was ‘Fucking Frogs’!” Ironically they still let him into the country.

Now on to the Malflicisms…word to live by if you have enough balls to use them.

All time classic Malflicism – ones that bridge time and space.

The most popular one “ Stupid People Shouldn’t breath” – Pretty Self explanatory plus he bores easily.

“Seriously are you going to fuck me or what?” Always the swordsman he found the direct approach in most things in life worked best, so why not with sex. Sadly it wasn’t a pick up line but an actual question; one that worked more often than you’d believe.

“ I don’t even half give a shit and I’m still better at it than you” He has never lacked self confidence.

“Yes I know I’m a dick I’m a five foot ten, 200 pound walking erection.” We think he was lying…it is our belief that at that time he might have been a 5’10” - 212 pound walking erection. Our point is he is a much bigger dick than he was taking credit for.

Malflicisms - The College years

He was banned from live radio on his universities station here’s a few samples why.

“what’s wrong with playing a Slayer song? Yes I know it’s a Catholic University’s radio station!”

“ If it were up to me I’d dome the whole damn city seriously how do people live here the place is a dump.”

“ I don’t like wearing rubber either but with all the diseases, and unwanted pregnancies is the Pope putting out a Vatican order calling them immoral really the right thing to do? I think it is morally questionable to even suggest not to using a condom.”

That was the one that finally did it and chances are he would never win a Catholic of the year award since shortly there after he determined he was an Atheist based on a lectured in a Scared scripture class. The explanation. “No seriously I think religion is nothing more than made up bullshit, used to control people. I should know I make up bull shit all the time the only difference is that religion has a better marketing department and tax breaks.”

If only these isolated incidents but there were others like the time on a broad cast TV network during a heated planning meeting he referred to one of the esteemed professors as “Dick” when verbally reprimanded on the spot his retort was “ well that is your name isn’t it DICK!” It was indeed a point of fact although the way he said it made everyone there feel a little dirty, even Richard.

While always a little rebellious most of his jabs were and are of a sexual nature.

“I’m not so sure about that but I she looks good bent over a sofa”

“Ok who’s turn is to feed the monster?”

“Oh you have a boy friend. Yeah well I have a girlfriend so let’s hook those two up. So we can either do each other or just take turns.  Now where were we?”

No Soul gets this twisted with out a little help. The question often gets asked when something goes awry with an individual was it Nature or Nurture? In this case it might be generations of irreverence and breeding. That and exposure to his relatives. And in the name of a good time we’ve included a few that he references often from his own family and child hood. Needless to say but none of them are very politically correct.

“Do you know why a man should always walk behind his wife? Because when she’s young beautiful so you can look at her ass and when she’s old and fat she’ll stop the bullet” uttered by his Uncle Vince repeatedly

“If you don’t take it out no ones ever going to suck it” An oral sex reference about being bold by his grand father

“Never play cards for money unless you know what you’re doing or the odds are fixed” A professional gambler in the family

“Here go read these it should keep you busy for a while” A uncle who sent him off to read about 20 years of Playboy around age 12 rather than teaching him to use an arc welder

Words and Music by Malflic 1995

It’s all getting clearer, your words are growing bolder as you speak

The end is drawing nearer and heaven forbid the truth it might start to leak

Jesus thinks you’re a joke!

Preach of my Salvation, While children starve in our streets

Speak of the sins of the nation, while you do what ever you please

Jesus thinks you’re a joke!

Should I pray to your god now? Mine has the same name but you say he’s not right.

Or was he just not listening, in the darkest hours of my life?

Jesus thinks you’re a joke!

So must I repent now, for all the sins of my past?

And when I ask just how, who am I to question that your salvation can last.

Jesus thinks you’re a joke!

You’ve got your golden bible, and your holy diamond encrusted grail

A few swiss bank accounts, just in case you flock mistakenly left a trail.

Jesus thinks you’re a joke!

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This is a repost after the crash and loss of the previous site.  Hopefully the perma links match

Look by day I may have an edge but I don’t exactly take the tools of my wicked little trade in my carry on luggage as I head out to the airport every week. Which reminds me of a story about a weekend trip to Mexico and a suitcase filled with toys…I’ll save that one for another time but the moral of the story was the woman in Mexican custom’s was very embarrassed and it was my suit case.

Even if I did walk around with an assortment of sadistic little things there’s a chance I could be a sales manager and the numbers are down but no where near as low as you’re going to be when I’m finished. Sorry got distracted back on topic.

Recently on a flight I fell into a conversation with a nice average looking couple who asked where I was headed and why. My mother told me never talk to strangers but sitting there I ignored that advice and told them Business and blah, blah, blah so I asked them the same question. “We’re coming from a lifestyle event” she eagerly offered.

Well if you’re like me the minute you hear lifestyle event only one or two things come to mind. So immediately I’m interested, I start to file through my brain for events that I know of that are big enough to travel to that might be going on.

Shibaricon – no can’t be it not until May (ironically it starts the same day as my kink week posts start which is pure coincidence)

Beat me in St. Louis…nope not currently going on.

Perhaps an Austin Rope event…Nothing comes to mind. Maybe they’re swingers might be something who knows how many events they have.

Nice people but I start to notice in those few seconds that passed that they aren’t giving off the sexy we like to fuck swingers vibe at all. No I’m not stereo typing but the lady wasn’t eyeing the pretty brunette walking down the aisle and yes I know for a fact that all swingers aren’t Bi. But let’s face it any swinger straight or Bi that I know would have been eyeing her. Hell most of the people on the plane noticed her she was that pretty.

“Oh a lifestyle event” my voice somewhat dismayed as to where to go from here…after all we’re three sentences in to a conversation before a 4 hour flight I don’t want to freak the nice people out by coming right out and asking too many questions like “Oh what’s your Kink?”, “Straight, Bi?” “Top, Bottom, or Switch?” “Rope, Pain, or both?” “Full swap, Soft swap?” you get the picture.

The wife spoke (She was wearing a ring but it is at this point just an assumption) “It was the most amazing weekend, we had so much fun”

A generic enough answer so I inquire “what made it so much fun?”

“We’ve never been to anything like this before.” She pauses, blushes a little and fumbles for words. I think it’s about to get good. Now I know how I’d answer the question in the situation, generically.

“It was a couple’s only event.” She finally admits. Now unless I’m wrong couples Vanilla and Kinky do on occasion go away for the week end. A few nights in a hotel, new places, old and new friends, too much wine, a few clubs, perhaps a couple of games of chance, or other games. I’ve also been told there are museums, fairs, antique road shows or what ever it is that all the couples do who aren’t out getting liquored up and partying when they go away.

Needless to say there was nothing wrong with a couple’s weekend event. So I Pushed a little…”You said it was a lifestyle event.” I should have stopped “what kind of life style?”

What are the odds that I’ve met a kinky couple on the plane…low right? But I had to know. “Well” she said her husband by now staring mindlessly out the window, which is never a good sign.

“It was to reenergize our relationship and bring back the romance by including the lord in our marriage.” From there she just went on and on. I’m all for threesomes, foursomes, and all out orgies but that was one Ménage trios I wasn’t expecting. I was dying to ask if she now considered her relation ship to be Poly…but figured I’d have to explain it. And then spend the next three hours and forty five minutes with her saving my soul.

Isn’t there a law about people using the term lifestyle event? No? Well there damn well should be. So I sat and listened to her and how much fun it was, the spouse lacked the same enthusiasm…bet it also was a three way he never dreamed of. Odd are he’d have rather spiced things up with the little brunette I mentioned earlier who was still walking up and down the aisle.

Is there a secret hand shake or special way of lacing up ones shoes so I know other like minded people when I see them…you know like guys with rainbow stickers on the back of their cars. I know what that means what do they kinky people have other than lords of acid t shirts, the occasional otk bumper sticker that makes it look like you dig the beach? It might have been better if I listened to my mother and didn’t talk to strangers.

The names have been changed to protect the innocent (and me)

So I work and make my living as a fairly visible part of a large corporate machine with traditionally conservative leadership. Hard to believe but writing smut is just a hobby and doesn’t pay the bills. It’s something only a few close friends at work know about. Then again you won’t catch me parading around in fetish attire and I don’t publicize my other adult oriented activities. I had a boss who was quite the swinger once at another company but that is a different story.

A few weeks back we had an annual all hands on deck type meeting over the weekend. Of course we moved what city it would be in about 6 weeks before the actual event for around 500 people which might as well have been the last minute. The new location was fine, back on some of my old home turf which is always nice. The accommodations were less than luxurious and the hotel was over booked with Doctors at some convention when we started to arrive. I walk into lunch on that first day and a friend whispers in ear.

“This place has sex rooms.” I of course ignore him.

He continues on “ no really they have 16 different themed sex rooms” ok now I’m curious I was thinking it was just rooms with a big hot tub but theme rooms well that was a different story.

I assured him it was a pretty wild city so no big surprise. As they say write what you know and out of a dozen or so people from that city I had kept the company of in the past most of them were very, very, very, kinky.

He went on “Paul has one called the Cave, it has fur and hieroglyphics on the walls, and a giant round orgy bed!” My friend’s voice turned from a whisper to nearly inaudible when he said orgy. The only thing missing was a hushed gasp coming from his mouth. I laughed like a lunatic since Paul was the head of HR. There was a certain irony that he had a “sex room”.

The group of well heeled and devoted professionals had been turned into a bunch of high school kids sneaking a peek at an older brother’s nudie mag. So and so had a room with mirrors on all the walls and ceilings, blah, blah, blah had a room with a Gilligan’s island theme. The list went on there were about seven of us who had theme rooms.

The room holders gave tours after a few pints at the hotel pub each evening, groups flocked to the “guides” as if they were going to get a look at the secret of the entire universe. Are people really that sexually repressed? It scares the hell out of me that most people have as unimaginative sex life as they do a day job.

One room in particular was the called leather and lace. It was the one people talked about most since it had as people described it “Prison bars with those hand cuff things and chains all over it.” People are really interesting to watch as they talk about what they think is wild and taboo. Isn’t bondage, even causal bondage a fairly main stream fantasy? This coming from a guy who can tie more knots than an eagle scout and owns enough rope to dock the pacific fleet.

One Tall leggy blonde VP on a tour cuffed a finance executive to the bars and took a few pictures and then left him there helpless for a few minutes. I have a new found respect for her and the only thing that would have been better was if she would have added “how does that feel? you like don’t you? You little whiny bitch!” Nothing like a guy in a Brooks Brothers suit chained to a wall, even if it was only for a few minutes. Then again that might not be so unusual either.

The next morning I’m having breakfast with Marci who is a peer. She’s s a tiny little thing, a Southern Belle and has a daytime wardrobe that is so stylish and it could go right to a club after long day. I know her a little, she likes to go out, have a good time dance and party. Our boss comes up. He’s a great guy and was a friend long before I ended up working for him. We’re talking about the room tours of the previous night and telling how popular the leather and lace room was.

“ I don’t get it” he states Marci tries again to explain in a non offensive way what the leather and lace room was. He stares blankly, this is a man who gets everything I’ve ever told him on the first pass and at that moment he really has no fucking clue what we’re talking about. She looks at me and shrugs and at the same time we both blurt out “it’s a bondage room” she adds “you know S&M”.

The boss’ face turns red, I mean really bright fire engine red. “Oh” he stares at his eggs uncomfortably for the next five minutes as we continue to talk. Marci shoots me a glance and as he walks away adds “he’s so vanilla”. I think it was a test since she looked even more shocked when I got what she meant. Later she confided that I’m one of the last guys in the world she would have thought had a dark side. She had pegged me as even more uptight than the rest of the crowd. “Good my disguise is working” I said with a devilish little smirk.

The rest of the event was spent with her telling me racy jokes and making suggestively laden dirty comments. It is quite possible that her mind is far dirtier than mine.