Battle of the mind

Fallow mind, hollow images floating through the mist of thought

Intense emotions that jerk at the well of tears, down they are fought

Faster and faster, spinning images, whispers for times near and far

Blending into a lake of surreal life that is dangerous wade out to far

Ilk of past misdeeds and sins of the father like and oily coating

Sticking to the flesh as in the calm moment gently floating

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Stroking through trying to get to the shore so rest can be found

The tar of confusion starts to churn and drag me down

A lashing tail of a creature that lurks in the depths strikes blindly

Pain unexpected causes recoil in the limb as I thrash wildly

Teeth now latch on, the venom of memories injected into the flesh

Numbness spreading slowly as wild fighting makes a pathetic splash

Little by little making it to the shore of sanity till at last the shore reached

Laying gasping, baked now in the blinding sun, now sinking in the beach

The wet sand of realities that shift under the weight of a still body

Strength drained from the battle to get to shore, I sigh, yes I am ready

Laying in hopeless filling the void fills the mind taking me captive

Dragging the sun no long bakes as the cool refreshment is placid

The oily sheen leaches out the poison as dark images spin again

Ever trapped in the tug of war between a beginning and the end

Fallow mind, the seeds of impurity slowly growing for the dark delights

Images of blood and violence grow and soon seep into my heart

Longings growing from the darkest places, so many shadows faceless

Flesh blood and lust move about like tributes to be taken so helpless

UnPartnered

 

UnPartnered =

 

A set of disclaimers. This may hit a few nerves. There are a few people in my world who will read this and say “you fucking asshole i’m right here.”  which is true and this isn’t meant to be hurtful but

1) “Here” is not where in theory I live (it is arguable i don’t really live any one place so assume it’s where I pay taxes)

2) As important as you are to me i’m not your everyday or primary partner.

3) These are really my issues and this isn’t meant that i am unappreciative of things we do, inclusion by friends, or even being solo at most things.    

 So with that in mind in case i’ve not been clear this really is about me and my hang ups. Un Partnered is not at all related to you with one exception.  Odds are you are not that exception because most of you are not married to me.

 

Unpartnered.  I go through much of life alone, even when in the company of others. Professionally speaking i’m happy to have 10 minutes to myself during the day.  When in transit I use to be completely alone and surrounded by strangers.  Increasingly that is not the case.  Yet when it does happen I eat alone, spends hours or days in new places by myself, go to concerts, sporting events, and the movies by myself.  And in those cases i could care less. In fact some of the best moments are the ones where I have either not yet “officially” arrived or have already left and not a soul is with me.  it’s not that i dislike who i spend my time with but in many ways a life that resmebeles the dilemma of “My Big Fat Greek Wedding” is pretty much a fair comparison.

In many ways my existence is similar to a rock star. I show up, do my thing, people either love or hate me and then I leave. Sometimes (and increasingly) with people in tow clamoring for time, attention and what have you.   My ninja skills would include the ability to  slip away quickly into the back of a waiting car. Dart down an alley and disappear into the night, the local subway station or any combination of things. You’ll have another drink and before you know it I am gone, swallowed by the darkness and on increasingly rare occasions a waiting friend.

That part is being worked on. The only thing worse than not sleeping (for all the wrong reasons) is not sleeping alone. Yet at any given time now if i find myself in a strange city or country without a soul in sight  i am perfectly thrilled.

 Being unpartnered though is a different thing.  All of the above have nothing to do with my kink. Well other than the waiting friend on occasion. Its at kink events that i find being alone is a truly lonely and at times desperate place. It is an ongoing problem i am yet to fix.

In many ways it is why no one has seen me at well…ANYTHING in forever.  I can spend weeks in a foreign country and be fine, take off on a 10 hour trek through a new city or countryside with a few dollars, an ID and a phone (or three) and love it.  However spending 90 minutes at a munch, educational, or play party without a companion who is in some way meaningfully mine is too great a void. So i stopped going.

For a short time recently it seemed like that might all be coming to an end. It was a mirage.  I was not planning to make an appearance at anything. Friends offered and i willingly went.  Don’t get me wrong they were gracious hosts and inclusive. In those moments it all came back like a bad habit.

Like the last snow of the spring it took the hole i had deftly been driving my car around for months (years)  in a way pretending it wasn’t an actual problem and made it so big my alignment and tires were doomed. Except it was really the facade.  I had accepted that everything was OK, that i didn’t miss it, that my primary relationship really isn’t well…remotely kinky.

A short time later i would find myself at a dinner with (kink) friends both old and new.  Again i was unpartnered.  I could feel the spiral nearing. My humor became caustic…so i tried to contain it.  I said very little.  Which actually is not uncommon for me in a group. This though was different. 

So often i am required to be the life of the party, the host, the good times devil incarnate and overtly social but in many ways i’d rather watch and listen.  This though was a different silence, one of social isolation because it wouldn’t have mattered what city in the world i was in I would have been in the same situation.  And it pissed me off.

 

************

 

There really is only one answer, change things significantly or quit going and disengage.

So it has been a series of tough conversations on what the compromise is.   

 I don’t want to have to live with parts of me unfufilled.  so i stepped back, passed on other opportunities, removed my self from places where it would have been too obvious. places where i know i wouldn’t be able to hide behind a smile and a quip.  i stopped looking at events and outings, greatly diminished my exposure to social media. 

A farvorite line of mine by Marilyn Manson goes “there’s a hole in my soul and it’s filled with dope and i’m feeling fine”   well i have the hole and know what had  been filling it but it’s only a facade.

Because at rhe end of the day it will be easier to step away from those than appear again Unpartnered.

 

Memories in Honor of a Classy Lady

I write this with a very heavy heart. As many of you probably already know our Blogging community this past week unexpectedly lost one of our own all too soon.

 

Since I first learned of what happened I have been having several conversations with Molly of Daily Kiss .  Also, as time permitted, I have been talking with Malflic. It only seemed fitting for us to share a few of our favorite memories of the wonderfully talented and beautiful  “A” from Cammies.

 

 Molly

It was a warm Friday evening in downtown Atlanta and the Eroticon USA Meet and Greet was in full swing. A beautiful young woman wearing a tight black pencil skirt, seamed stockings, high heels and bright red lipstick came up to me and said “Are you Molly?”

Her name was A and she was there with her sister M, together they were Cammies on the Floor. Damn she looked amazing that night, in fact she looked amazing all weekend. She totally rocked the vintage 50’s look. I mean that, picture a classic 1950’s pinup model with dark hair, red lips and curves in all the right places and you are picturing A. However there was way more to A than just looks. She was funny, bubbly, vibrant and highly intelligent. She was one of those people who just made you smile no matter what. I don’t think it would wrong to say she lit up a room with her personality and I adored her.

Since that weekend we have continued to be friends. She would appear in my DM’s on Twitter with a flourish of her joyful self and we would talk about life and blogging but nearly always our conversations would stray to photography. She was a talented photographer with a great eye and she would often send me pictures she had taken and ask for advice about editing. It was an easy friendship but then I am pretty sure anyone who knew A would understand why, she was an easy person to be friends with.

When she first got ill her messages to me all but vanished but in the last year they resumed. She asked for help to build a new website which we gladly gave her and again we were back to talk about photographs and blogging. She would pepper her messages with talk of her health but A was a person to dwell on things like that and also approached it in such a matter of fact way sprinkled with a liberal dose of her trademark humour.

To be honest I can’t believe I am writing this. I can’t believe she is gone. She was a truly vibrant person, no matter what life seemed to have in store for her that always shone through. I will miss her terribly and I know I am not alone in that, her family and friends will I am sure mourn her deeply and painfully. She was not a person you could do anything else for in my opinion. She was one very classy lady.

 

Malflic

Once I was setting to meet up with A for lunch.  Kinky people often talk about the importance of negotiation but never before had i engaged in such an intense wardrobe based negotiation with a friend. After lk it wasn’t a play date, it wasn’t a fashion show, in faft it was hust two friends having lunch.

Yet somewhere deep inside and just knowing she had a passion for the classic Pin Up Girl look there was the concern that i”d show up in my business geek couture or worse yet shorts or jeans and she’d be dressed to the nines.  

Don’t get me wrong i love a woman who shows up to just about anything in a corset and heels. Add to it i kind of have a thing for the classic pin up girl look. Where does persona stop and perhaps the everyday person begin?

Then again my view of reality in particular to satirical  (sp) issues may not really be real. Just because I schlep around in an over tailored  suit and wing tips most of the time is realistic to expect that A really paraded around on a daily basis dressed like a bomb shell?  Perhaps i was trying to avoid a “Gidgett meets the Devil” movie set up as fun as that may sound.  You know it’s the one where a surf band accidentally plays a devil’s trisd, summons and demon. After having been conjured said demon appears on the beach fucks your wives and turns all the capri pant and hair ribbon wearing “good girls” into sex fiend free love hippies.   Ho ever i digress.

So it turned into “hey what are you wearing? And three rechecks that it was really ok for me to wear jeans.
After all failure to have those conversations could have led ro me being that guy. The dork in a golf shirt and khakis next to a bombshell who was way too pretty and far too young for him.   

 

Alice

As I sit here thinking of A no singular moment stands out. It is an overall feel of one classy Lady! I find myself staring at the door to my boy’s room, the very room she stayed in when she was here in Atlanta for Eroticon. It is as if she is going to suddenly come bouncing out all dressed to the nines with that smile that could light up any room. I was blessed to have become acquainted with A online prior to Eroticon and was thrilled she wanted to stay with us that weekend. We became close friends after. There is an air about A, a way she finds the good in everyone, that I strive to emulate yet often fail at.

A was an amazing Lady with a style and grace all her own. I remember watching Lord Raven working on paddles for her and wanting them to be perfect. They were a birthday gift and he wanted to make sure they would be up to whatever use she wanted/needed out of them. The various conversations of her vising again, I would get so excited at just the thought of seeing her again. She lived so close yet so far away…..

When she became ill my heart sank, the thought of this vibrant young woman who had so much ahead of her, I went into insto nurse mode and saw all the possibilities yet kept them to myself. I feared the worse yet hoped for the best, when she would talk about the possibility of moving here I knew I would become her personal nurse in a heartbeat.

Through it all she had such a positive attitude and maintained her amazing sense of humour. I could easily list off so many of her talents and gifts and how she impacted my life. I however keep coming back to one very simple statement that sums her up, A was a classy Lady that always saw the good in people no matter what.

 

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With that said our site shall remain static and silent for an appropriate period of time and with a black background as a symbol of mourning.

Our thoughts and love are with A’s family and friends.

E Lust #84

Elust 84 header
Photo courtesy of A to sub-Bee

Welcome to Elust #84

The only place where the smartest and hottest sex bloggers are featured under one roof every month. Whether you’re looking for sex journalism, erotic writing, relationship advice or kinky discussions it’ll be here at Elust. Want to be included in Elust #85 Start with the rules, come back August 1st to submit something and subscribe to the RSS feed for updates!

 

~ This Month’s Top Three Posts ~

Lightweight
About Those “Apple Thighs”
Why the Hell Haven’t I Rebelled Yet?

 

~ Featured Post (Molly’s Picks) ~

IDENTITY – hiding the evidence
friday flash–service

 

~Readers Choice from Sexbytes ~

Good In Bed

*You really should consider adding your popular posts here too*
All blogs that have a submission in this edition must re-post this digest from tip-to-toe on their blogs within 7 days. Re-posting the photo is optional and the use of the “read more…” tag is allowable after this point. Thank you, and enjoy!

 

Erotic Fiction

Ride
Pubic Disturbance
Colds and Lust
Sex Machine
Chemistry
A Dirty Bathroom Floor
Tether
I’m Sorry I’m So Silent
S’il Vous Plaît
Edge of Morning
Dancin’ (Most) of the Night Away
Airport Arrivals

Sex News, Opinion, Interviews, Politics & Humor

42 Kinds of Casual Sex
Living in Fear – An Essay on Male Entitlement
Pride

Thoughts & Advice on Kink & Fetish

How To Give A Bare Handed Spanking
Reconciling dominance and love
She’s a Very Kinky Gor

Body Talk and Sexual Health

Run the good race
IUD DIARY #1 (1.5 WEEKS LATER)

Erotic Non-Fiction

We Made A Resolution To Make Love Everyday
The 20 Minute Orgasm
More on cunt, corridors & Schroedinger’s cock
Stoned Birthday Sex
Room with a View
I’m Not Done With Your Throat Yet
It’s a strange path to trust.

Thoughts & Advice on Sex & Relationships

Poly and Pets
mono-poly

Writing about Writing

Why Write Erotic Fiction?
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Blast from the past

I will always cherish the day I was collared by Lord Raven. That collar means more to me than mere words can say

 

Slave collars and a hand pulling on it

 

I tried to find a pic from the day I was first collared however sadly can’t find it. The above pic is of my formal collar that Lord Raven gave me while we were at our first Frolican. I am sadly still searching for one to wear on a day to day basis

 

 

Sinful Sunday

Red and Fuming

 

Ever have one of those days so filled with stress and adrenaline pumping you can not let it go? Today was one of those days for me and I honestly know I am currently a handful for my Master.I have been beyond short fused since I got home from work and I knew it was coming.

 

Not that is was a bad day at work just one of those that any nurse dreads. Multiple issues and families in your face. Adrenaline rush that lasted for hours with multiple serious issues. I have a new hate for 911 operators however am smart enough to know that not all are as brain damaged as the one I talked with today.  For one get the rig coming and let me get back to my patient! I don’t give a flying fuck about your questions you need to ask such as patient’s age.

 

You see the joy of being a nurse is also the curse. I have been home several hours and I keep rethinking my day. Did I miss anything? Are the patient’s I sent out ok? I know these and many other questions will be running through my mind even as I try to sleep. I see a sleepless night ahead with no clue how to shut my mind off. All the while I missed time with my family as I am too high strung still from the hours of adrenaline.