What No One Prepares You for When Being Poly 1



What No One Prepares You for When Being Poly


Vanillas ask about all the sex, the non stop fucking and wild parties,  Mean while for me it’s more about the quiet moments walking down the street, sitting and reading, decent coffee and curling up together and just being present. Of missing you in those moments when evaluating one’s own life.

  Oh and the sexual/kinky acts are pretty fucking great too.  


We (Poly people) talk about the need and importance of an intense amount of communication, and there is probably a thousand other misnomers out there like someone is always sucking my dick when I type which is the only possible explanation for my typos and sentence structure.  

Which is sadly not true.  And sure relationships sometimes come and go, partners get jealous and cause rifts and occasionally that causes heartbreak, hurt feelings and the loss of friendships not just romantic relationships.   Sad but table stakes really. Doesn’t mean that it’s easy, just that we’re human.


And yes maybe I do live in a bubble, am not well read, and simply live by my own set of rules (partially true) but here are one of the things that no one prepared me for about being Poly. So this is your trigger warning because all of them are sad and there is no sex, it deals with death. Feel free to skip this post


The Death of a Loved One’s, Loved One


The Death of a Loved One’s, Loved One- Never in a million years did this enter my mind.  When young and bold and brash why would a person think of it. When you are no longer young one day it may just happen.  


The first time it happened I was supportive, loving, but also riddled with guilt. I missed the gathering of community members to commemorate his life.  For what? Work of course. The Blonde offered to go, she didn’t know him. I told her not to.  To this day i am not sure why that was my answer.

Then as a woman I loved (it probably shouldn’t be past tense more so love differently now.) struggled with the loss I was not present, i was not in close enough communication, and  in trying to be respectful of her and her lost partner I may have even been distant.  We both just moved on but I still feel terrible about not being there about not being a good enough friend, yet the truth is have done very little to correct it.


I would like to say that i was completely ill equipped on how to help. She was grieving for the loss of a lover. I was unsure of my role in it even though a friend of a man who supported and encouraged her to pursue whatever it was we had. I truly did not know how to react, what role to play, if any.  So i played none.


When the Temptress lost her sister, quickly and unexpectedly I will never forget where I was, or the true sorrow, pain, and heartbreak in her voice.

 It was, and I mean this with love and respect the most soul crushing sound I had ever heard. She was shattered, and I was, as is so often the case for me with everything literally not there.  Our relationship was still fairly new, but unlike before I understood my role much better.  She often accuses me of “being Switzerland”, sometimes it is done with love, others with frustration.  For the record I am only neutral when I perceive myself or my answers to have a true conflict of interest in what may be best for her when another partner or love interest in involved.  


My reaction this time was better, I was able to ask questions, communicate more clearly and be actively supportive in little ways, and engaged. While not physically there I reached out using whatever communication as a means to try to offer solace and support.  

Don’t get me wrong i was far from perfect, but I was better not wanting to repeat my mistakes of the past, and also being in a different position. Feeling as a primary to her in places and ways helped me try to support her,  Yet physical access to me remained an issue. I do regret that.


Alice’s recent loss was yet another.  In this case it was a parent, and had some advanced notice yet one could never really be prepared.  Early on I engaged directly with her but in time began going to Raven and allowed him to update me and determine what was best for Alice.  He was on the ground and in the fray.

 Me: I was the equivalent of a helicopter partner who would swoop in from time to time to try to be a distraction, to help, to lend an ear. I was not much more than an ear and again did not when the time came despite a direct request and helicopter status literally did not fly in.

This is just one of the many things i never considered, and probably the part i was least prepared for.

About Malflic

Minor Demon, life long hedonist, sadist and general nerd. Women are my weakness and greatest addiction of choice followed by torrid love affair with coffee and caffeine. When not committing sins of the flesh I'm an unrepentant capitalist, avid reader, Star Wars, and B rate comedy movie geek.

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