Malflic’s Guide to Surviving Thanksgiving 2


Malflic’s Guide to Surviving Thanksgiving

 

Happy “we murdered the indigenous people and stole their land day” for the record referring to Thanksgiving as such is a little too honest for most Americans; not just the mouth breathers who want to make America great again.

 

So on that happy note you may want to treat this as a what not to do list. Unless you are like me and are all out of fucks to give.

 

  1. When a well meaning family member suggests that your young adult daughter  “just needs to find a nice man and get married” a quip about blaming the Church and the British Empire for the stupidity of monogamy is a great start. Then without prompting have your 19 year old militant atheist college kid launch into a 30 minute historically accurate sociology lecture on the “Stupidity of modern Women supporting the Patriarchy.” Game, Set, and Match to the asshole intellectuals.

2) When told “You like books. There is some really amazing Christian fiction you should check out .” People apparently aren’t expecting you to tell them you’ve already read the New Testament and it sucked. In my defense i added “I liked the old testament a lot more with all the sex, and violence and wife coveting stuff”. But that seem to help didn’t help

3) The correct response to the problem with America is not “an ego maniac billionaire president, lobbyists and taxation.”  Apparently it is lack of Christian values, Liberals, and Bruno Mars.  Oh wait that was the music they hated. Not sure what the third reason was so assume it’s people like me.

4) “What happens if you meet someone and they also own a house” implying in it women must move to the male’s property, because well he’s the man.  Leaves me shaking and speechless. And then telling the group “I raised them to be killers not victims.”

5) After mentioning receiving a one minute and twenty second spam call from a church inviting me to a VERY special Thursday service. The response to “Thanksgiving is a great day to go to church and be close to God”  is not “Trust me if i know anything about God it’s he’s been a ladies man since Eve so odds are he’ll be at yoga with me and the hordes of nimble hotties not a bunch of prudes in frocks”

6) It is probably best when someone tells you they do yoga booty ballet videos a few times a month to smile and politely encourage them. I avoided the temptation to invite them to go with me and watch them wither and die. Because it is (probably) karmically wrong let the darkness in me snuff out the light in you. Or something like that.

7) When asked what our “Christmas Theme is this year” the correct answer is “not traditional on the outside and Gay Polish disco on the inside: is maybe more information than they were looking even if it is true.

 

The past few years i had begun hating every holiday.   In fact the Sexy Little Temptress asked me last year if i had holiday depression. I hadn’t thought about it but probably did. So last Saturday i woke up and literally decided this year i was going to have fun and do it on my terms. With irreverent themes, and clothes to fit my view of the occasion. Crazy suits, loud pants and shirts and nothing at all seasonal in the traditional sense.

 

Other than a few dinners out I am avoiding (large extended) family functions. Exclusively eating non traditional meals. Today is homemade lasagna and peach crisp. Family is welcome to stop by but we have invited some friends as well.

 

Our dress code for the day is “pants optional and sleepwear encouraged.” we are all in ridiculous lounge pants of some type. Maybe later i will take them off, maybe i won’t. After all everyone has been warned that pants are optional and it is a 4 day commando kind of weekend

We have cases and cases of wine, hooch, and diet soda, juice and vats of coffee. My couch comfortably sleeps 5 adults and one big dog. The guest room is ready.  The Mimosas are poured, the game is on and show tunes are echoing through the loft.

I am evil, i am wicked, I am putting the hell back into the holidays on my own fucking terms.


About Malflic

Minor Demon, life long hedonist, sadist and general nerd. Women are my weakness and greatest addiction of choice followed by torrid love affair with coffee and caffeine. When not committing sins of the flesh I’m an unrepentant capitalist, avid reader, Star Wars, and B rate comedy movie geek.


Talk dirty to me (or leave a comment)

2 thoughts on “Malflic’s Guide to Surviving Thanksgiving

  • ancilla ksst

    Happy “we murdered the indigenous people and stole their land day”

    Funny enough, that is almost exactly what our friend’s child said to me as we were finishing up our dinner.

    Beer, the answer is simply beer. Oh, and pie. Two slices of pie and beer.

  • Indigo

    And you are wonderful and I adore you and I’d like to have your children (except I’m past childbearing and live on the other side of the world!)
    Brilliant piece of writing Malflic, thank you, made my day!
    Indie