He is gone, a man I both loved and hated, the roller coaster of emotions that have been coming at me has been overwhelming at times. Finally sitting down and cutting the pipe, letting the ink flow, seems to be my only way to process. So here I am……
When we realized just how serious my Dad’s illness was we made the long drive back home. I knew his time was short for this world. This trip was as much for him as it was for me, we always had our issues, thanks to Lord Raven we had reconnected in the past few years. I will cherish those memories, of phone calls that lasted forever, a Christmas Day surprise of Grandparents showing up at our door, and the smiles on my boy’s faces whenever they interacted with him.
I had not seen him in a few years and was not ready for what I walked into when I first saw him. This once strong and active man just lying in bed looking so pale and gaunt. My heart just sank as I sat on the floor beside his bed, it was lowered all the way to floor due to his risk of falling, and I held his hand.
Ever hear the phrase “once a nurse always a nurse”? I realized just how true that is as I went into full nurse mode the moment I saw my Dad. With a minimal assessment I knew he needed to be repositioned, his faced washed, eyes cleaned, and I questioned what his PRN’s were given he was moaning in pain and I could hear expiratory wheezing without my damn stethoscope! I repositioned him and off I went to speak with the staff.
I am sure the staff had mixed feelings every time they saw us walk in after that. We would show up with goodies for them however I would be on the nurses, checking when his morphine was given and making sure they were giving him his medications properly. They were found on that first visit not to be.
I am glad I was there for my Dad, that I could be that voice for him. I am also pissed I had to be asking for things such as atropine. That my last memories of my Dad are of being his patient advocate and care giver as I wiped his face. That I had to play babysitter to my Mom as my brother avoided her and me.
My Mom is now alone in her home. The man she was married to for 59 years is now gone. A man who lied about his age to join the USAF in order to serve in the Korean War. Who later proudly served the state of NY as a NYS Trooper. My Father is gone however will never be forgotten…..
This will be the first of many writes under “In the End”