When the Cheering Stops; I am alone
You are like a 7 year old on a travel soccer team, who is also enrolled in college classes, and has three playdates a week (not that kind you fucking perverts, stick with the analogy) along with thirty million other scheduled things.
Professionally speaking that is my life, totally oversubscribed. And like most kids who live like that by the time they turn 13 and are burned out, sleeping until noon, spend the rest of my time staring mindlessly at video games played with people halfway around the world.
Now make the video games work crap, instead of sleeping to noon make it mostly not sleeping at all. Lying awake alone in the night is the best. RIGHT? RIGHT?
Then isolate yourself from everyone and thing not related to said work…and it dawns on you perhaps you have joined a cult. Looking deeper you realize not only are a member of a cult but you are one of the leaders. And looking to carry on as the supreme leader when the current one moves on. In fact you may be the one true prophet. All hail my mother fucking divinity.
Sto you sare blankly at your wife, children, non work friends, lovers, and other relationships and you slowly realize you have no fucking clue how to connect to anyone at all anymore. With very rare exception. And in many cases unless you want to discuss exactly what they want to it doesn’t matterr. After all hey guys i’m pretty unhappy isn’t very important compared th who is fucking who on some program. Life is Fahrenheit 451 and the “family” is a bunch of cunts from New York or some knocked serial breeder from yet another backwoods sister fucking state. The modern soap opera.
So you work more. I can see it in my wife’s eyes when she kisses me now. She knows i’m not there and has expressed thst comment thst i’m never home. Physically sure i’m around on occasion, not thst it leads to any actusl time being spent together. And yes i love her but i’m or the relationship is too damaged for me to let my guard down. Hey! Tried to warn you i was done chasing (years ago), told you outright some very simple things i needed, a little time, a modicum of focused attention. Whooosh what was that noise? And never mind.
Save the world, save the children, save the puppies, save whatever else. I’ll always be there until at least emotionally i am not. Which is now. Andfor the record I can’t find the switch to change it back. Tried simply but its not working, too far gone.
Ahh but there is always work, people love me, want my time, attention, want input and ideas, support and companionship. So i work more and the cheering gets louder, the endorphins mix with the coffee and it’s an amazing high. Just don’t look past the curtains.
Then add in your oldest friends. You cut one out. The relationship is toxic, One way, and there is nothing more to give. It affects you but long ago you moved on. This might all be fine and healthy. But it feels like shit. She is as fucked up and lonely as you. Nothing a few vinyasas won’t chase away.
Another friend, the one who knows all of your past sits across the table. It’s nice but despite the history now your world’s are too different. He’s there., you try to be but there isn’t much left of you. Quickly retreat to work.
There are the people you love and in some cases or ways love you. It’s fucking scary because just like with your wife you are trying to connect. This time, now or in a guarded way you stare blankly at them. Not finding the words. When you do they become rambling preambles that probably do more harm than good. Not what you intended but frankly you suck at being a (social) human being. You’re jisr hurting them, a disappointment.
So you listen but don’t talk. When you speak it’s it active and engaged but guarded. Trust issues are nothing new you just choose not the mask them with niceties any longer.
So you work more, you let all the things you have to do creep out of the darkness like the villain in a slasher movie. Ahhh my favorite drug work! How i have missed you.
You used to get pictures from friends and lovers. And on great days you still do. Most days though its silent.
I can build a business, i can not seem to build a life that makes me happy. I am great with numbers but hurt those i love.
So “they” hire you someone to talk to. Mostly about numbers, and work. It’s like giving a heroin addict access to the world’s foremost expert on their drug of choice. You learn about the best strains, suppliers, how to get the highest highs. You like this person, they mean well as they fix your rig and shoot you up. Every Addict will tell you it’s a great way to OD.
There is a sedan outside and a conference room that has no purpose without you. It’s bad karma to not help things achieve their highest states of being…this applies to German luxury cars.
What you really need is someone to tell that your primary relationship is hollow, every interaction she has with you is disappointing for her now too. That while you don’t want that to be the case you are too fucked up and over it to be open, appreciative, etc. It’s all been said before but not heard. So why would a few days of trying change anything even for a dew moments. The idea of a warm body next to you is lovely but one literally it of reach acrose the bed makes it worse not better.
Oh also you can’t relate to anyone beyond basic pleasantries. Even that has become a struggle.
I want desperately to connect , but the walls are so high almost everywhere. So like the junkie you are you take another gig, book more trips, feed the addiction to be wanted and needed.
Wonder what kind of German luxury car will cart you soulless ass around this week? Just so you can be useful and appreciated…because when the cheering stops you are really fucking alone.
And this is what happens when I take a “staycation”.