Hindsight is always 20/20 and this is no exception. So many things should have been done differently yet where to begin with this tale?
Best place is to make it very clear this is not about placing blame! This is about putting things out there so others can learn from our own missteps. Being poly is not always easy or simple. Also, what works for one relationship will not necessarily work for another. That being said, the events of The Weekend (see Lord Raven’s post) have actually been an overall positive (even though it might not seem so at first here) experience.
As I said, Hindsight is 20/20, and the first misstep was in the planning for the weekend to begin with. I personally had little contact with N and had no issue with that as it had been presented to me as a weekend to teach her more about BD/SM such as spanking and edge play. I had in my little mind an expectation of meeting her, seeing how we clicked, and going over what exactly she knew and wanted to learn more about.
Another poor planning aspect for the weekend was the choice in weekend to begin with. I am an RN and work weekend shifts. I do however self schedule so with enough advance notice I can plan to be off for certain days. I wrongly said OK to N coming in on a weekend I was working the Friday she was coming in and that Saturday. The Friday would be fine as I was home shortly after she arrived. The Saturday turned out to be a huge issue, well at least for me.
I also realize women just speak differently than men. I made mention prior to N’s arrival about no sex without wearing a condom. This to me was more of a planning issue in case we all clicked as a hard rule with Lord Raven and I has always been if we have sex with anyone else we MUST use a condom. I did not know this was taken as giving permission. Because of this the sex that Friday night came as a shock to me. Yes I knew about it as it was happening, not because I was a part of it. Only because I woke up to hear them behind a closed door. I did not interrupt out of respect, thus me being at work for a 12 hour shift on Saturday became an issue for me.
While I worked they played, talked, and had more sex. I got some limited texts regarding what they were doing creating some other issues. Again hindsight is 20/20, we never truly discussed if certain toys should be off limits or not. I am taking this as a case of women place more emotional attachments on certain things than men. I freely admit I flipped a lid about one item in particular, OK maybe more than one. Thankfully after a great deal of discussion it was understood by all why.
The major thing we learned from all of this is to communicate better, not only with each other but with any potential play partner. There were many mixed signals and misconceptions by all parties involved and perhaps if we had communicated better from the start when planning the weekend we could have avoided any and all missteps.