Brunch is not all it’s Cracked Up To Be

Malflic Acoffee Addict, pervert and world class deviant

So it’s a Sunday morning. It was off to brunch at a cock themed farm to table place downtown. Ok it was Rooster themed but who can blame be for wanting to write that it was cock themed. It is not convenient for anyone local because well downtown sucks and no one lives there. Yet it was mobbed with people who are obsessed with large orange balls and men in shorts. No judgement you kinks don’t have to be my kinks. Wait basketball isn’t a kink? Fuck who knew.


Anyhow. In come Red. Its one of the first times I’ve actually seen her dressed…not in workout clothes. Perverts. What you think I spend time with women naked before buying them breakfast. Rumor may have it that I’m easy but no so easy…well frankly I’m nearly impossible to seduce. She’s tall (compared to other women in my world) lean and flexible. She has painted on torn grey jeans, black boots, and a tight yet plunging top. It was like she thought “he’s in to Lizzy Hale (the lead singer from the band Halestorm) what would she wear to brunch?” Kudos for effort.


Of course the fucking reservation app said there was no wait when I pulled off the highway 20 minutes before arriving and wouldn’t let me list for a table. When I got there was a 30 minute wait. She drank a mimosa. Being the teetotalers I am I had OJ. In a champagne glass thank you very much! Followed by a gallon of fair trade organic vegan friendly coffee with cruelty free creamer. Or something like that. It wa great coffee. We conversed awkwardly. Secretly I hope someone either of us knew would come and intercede.


I am getting trod upon by Orange Rubber Ball Fetishists, rolling around in a hot dark room with her is much more fun. Finally we’re seat. If it feels like it’s not going well…it wasn’t. In the back of my head it was “why the fuck am I here?” not the best mindset for a meet and greet. I was polite, conversational, and engaged. Still it felt more like a business meeting.

Finally we are seated; not at the Bar. Ok now let’s list the things I can’t talk about at this outing

  1. Kinky Things, Events, or Friends
  2. Swinger & Other Alternative Sexual Things, Events, & Friends – “oh when was the last time I was down this way. We’ll let me think it might have been for Pride right after X & X left the state to get married because we live in a right wing fascist bible thumping police state. Though I like guns…water guns mainly they count right?
  3. Other People I Date (which might be a good rule in several/most circumstances but I am used to being able to mention others at least in passing) “Oh she sounds nice. So what did you do with So and so on your last date with her?” You know the usual tied her naked and spread eagle to the bow of the Titanic and whipped her pussy with a cat of nine tails. Noting too intense just good clean fun really.
  4. Religion, Politics, or the Economy – Let’s see that one would go “I’m an atheist libertarian with a tolerance for some government social programs and believe the Bureau of Labor Statistics and the Fed are manipulating their reports based on the Party of the Current President. How about you?”
  5. Subversive Books – Sure I read the classics’ like Proust, Dante, Homer, a little Virgil. Then there’s Bradbury, Asimov, and Vonnegut. There’s this really great local guy Misha Burnette. He takes part of the Fetish community and turns them into Alien sub cultures in his sci fi series …wait never mind.
  6. Baseball – mainly because I couldn’t give less of a fuck about it and my knowledge of the game ended in 1979 with the “We are Family” Pirates. . In this city baseball is table stakes. I lived here for 5 years before learning that the name of a steak house and baseball announcer were affiliated.

You get the idea right? Sticking with downward dog commentary, upcoming hiking plans, etc. We order. The food is great and probably regular human size. It’s 11am and I’ve not eaten since the night before. “Fuck I should have ordered extra potatoes. And bacon, why did I order vegetarian. Thank fucking god I didn’t order something Vegan. I’d have died of starvation” was literally what ran through my head.


She said she had a nice time. We hugged or more accurately she hugged me and headed off to meet friends at the fetish event…err basketball game. I drove into a dodgy neighborhood a few miles away and ordered two tacos. Sometimes brunch isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.


About Malflic

Minor Demon, life long hedonist, sadist and general nerd. Women are my weakness and greatest addiction of choice followed by torrid love affair with coffee and caffeine. When not committing sins of the flesh I'm an unrepentant capitalist, avid reader, Star Wars, and B rate comedy movie geek.