You Mean You’re not a…Malflic’s guide to making online friends and pissing off people 2


This post was inspired by a wonderful write by Erica Scott called The “Catfish” Phenomena.  Erica’s piece was insightful and well thought out.  She made some great and serious points so you should go read it.  Mine is of course is none of those things, far more tongue in cheek, &  not meant to be taken at all seriously.  

 

Mal

 

When it comes to movies I have a passion for bad B rate comedies.  One of my favorites is White Chicks featuring a few of the Wayans Brothers.  Yes I know it’s not Cyrano De Bergerac still there’s scene at the end where a black man who is an undercover FBI agent who’s disguised as a white debutant comes clean and admits he’s not a woman.  His smitten love interest was a large NBA player type who is offended by not his deception based on the fact he was pursuing a man in drag but rather took objection to the misrepresentation of “the White Chick’s” race.    It’s met with something along the lines of “Oh the deception, the lies…negro please”

Screen Shot from the movie white chicksWith that we begin with Malflic’s adventures in making new friends online and pissing off people.

We’ve all been there, looking for something online maybe a used blender or weight bench.  Perhaps a car, antique socks, size 15 platform heels or whatever other fucked up shit you collect.  Plus if you’re kinky maybe a play partner, or something more.

Now I have hard fast rules about such things.  Some of them safety related because I watched Silence of the Lambs too many times and don’t want to end up in a well in god forsaken West Virginia before becoming a skin suit at the local 4H quilting Bee.  We all know real psycho’s don’t covet nubile young women’s hides but middle aged men’s since they make much more distinctive skin suits.  The other rule is actually worth mentioning.  If on a vanilla sites when using this name I list myself as it’s complicated, because well it is; I’m married and poly.  On Kink and lifestyle sites though I list myself as married and somewhere along the way mention my other relationships as appropriate (Poly, Play, Kink family etc).  Why because explaining you’re poly or play kinky games that may but don’t have to include sex to Vanilla’s requires the use of a virtue I don’t have enough of…Patience.  On kink and lifestyle sites I assume (which I know is dangerous) anyone who meets me or reads my profile can tell that my wife is my primary relationship. After all I am very open about being married though I might be looking for a person to do X with or play Y with because said wife (or another relationship of mine) is not into, could care less about, or simply suggested that I go find another person to play with because I look like I need a friend when reading the paper alone on Sunday morning.  Easy right?

 

That my dear friends is exactly where thing go wrong.  Here are a few fun examples.

 

1)      Do you share your slave with other Doms?  Ummm I don’t have a slave. I identify as a top or kinky not a dom.  The civil war pretty much ended the slave thing which was the morally right thing to do so NO. I’m a lot of things some of them not very nice but the one thing I am not is racist.   Oh you meant a kinky sex slave?  See part one of the answer and then NO.

 

2)      Tell me about your last slave? See above answer and assume I don’t have one since that’s not my kink, there isn’t one listed on my profile nor has there even been one.  I am however accepting application at the local Jack in the Box between 10 & 2 on Wednesdays if you’d like to apply the secret code is “may I have a job application please”.  Be sure to wear your best slave attire when applying. First impression count you know.

 

3)      Does it matter that I have a penis?   Yes it matters. You should be proud of your dick.  Mine probably isn’t anything special but I’m, still rather fond of it.  Oh you meant for other things…I’m sure you look lovely in that size 2 imitation Coco Channel dress but that’s not my kink.

 

4)      Are these pictures really of you?   Yes in particular the rooster. I’m a shape shifter and most people will tell you when I’m out of ear shot that I’m giant a cock.  In fairness it’s a legit question and if I say it’s me then it is. If I say it’s a cock shot and it’s of a rooster just chalk it up to my zany sense of humor on the matter.  If it looks like a picture from a park, city street of cup of coffee please see the shape shifter answer earlier in the post.

 

5)      When am I leaving my wife and does she suspect that I might?  Ummm not planning on it but thanks for your concern you nearly random stranger.  If I do change my mind though it will be for a dark haired early 30’s divorce attorney who just made full partner.  That way I can get a free lawyer out of the deal and lounge around her house like the gigolo I always imagined I’d be.

6) Have I ever considered doing X with a man?  Would I consider it now?   Going out for a beer, taking a hunting trip, picking up 12 hookers in Vegas while on a Starbucks bender sure.  I’ve considered it and probably done it like junkie rock star.  Anything you’re implying or would be asking about on this site?  The answer is no.

 

 

Disclaimer:  this post is intended as fun so I mean no offense to people who work at said fast food eatery or any other fast food eatery.  I am not homo phobic, nor do I have anything against drag queens actually I have several I consider friends.  Would I teach a man something I know? Absolutely just as long as they didn’t begin the conversation as a woman named Diane; or any woman’s name  for that matter.  Have all or some of these questions been posed to me…sadly yes all in one way or another over the years.


About Malflic

Minor Demon, life long hedonist, sadist and general nerd. Women are my weakness and greatest addiction of choice followed by torrid love affair with coffee and caffeine. When not committing sins of the flesh I'm an unrepentant capitalist, avid reader, Star Wars, and B rate comedy movie geek.


2 thoughts on “You Mean You’re not a…Malflic’s guide to making online friends and pissing off people

  • Lord Raven

    ha ha, beautiful. By the way I am on a Starbucks bender standing at the Jack in the Box and they said I can not have an application and they know nothing about a secret password, but they do like the corset and stocking I borrowed for the occasion. Must have gone to the wrong place. 🙂

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