This month instead of doing a He Said/She Said comparison piece we’re taking a different approach where Lord Raven and Malflic talk about the approach to a scene. LR will be addressing the impromptu scene that happens whether at a party or as just part of life giving the opportunity to play and Mal will address the preplanned scene since he’s such an uptight fucker. (Just kidding…well kind of). We acknowledge there is one short coming at this point and that is both points of view while wonderfully toppy are male and assume female bottoms. So it’s only ½ to a 1/3 or maybe 1/32nd of the picture really (F/M, F/F, M/M, etc ) . Mal did get some input from the lovely Charlotte Sumtimes but that feed back has been filtered through is penis shaped lens as usual. Now onto his manifesto!
The Chesty Blonde
So while my lovely wife joked about me being uptight in preparing for a scene I’d like to point out that in truth it depends on the type of play that I’m getting into. So yes if I’m planning to do some type of bondage I need to think about restraints and what type, rope, what and how much, who I’m playing with, where. Etc. After all there is nothing worse than wanting to tie someone to the bed post for whatever illicit purpose and having to trash your NiN shirt, or the bath towels for make shift restraints. It might be hot but you can’t see that tour ever again. That gets the how, the who and the where out there but let’s not forget why are am I playing at all? Art, Sex, I had a shitty week at work, just because I have an elected official in arms reach and think they need beat…whatever. That said I’ll offer my standard disclaimer. I’m not an expert, this is what works for me, it might not work for you. Either way I’m open to hearing your ideas. More fun and less prep sounds like a great idea.
Since lists are now an official fetish of mine I’m going to prepare and present one. It’s the single topic of preparing for a scene with XX categories and YY sub Categories. Yes that was intended as a bad Rodney Dangerfield Back to School reference.
What Type of Scene
It may seem obvious but for me certain types of preplanned scenes take on different preparations. The main thing is it the journey or the destination? I find that no matter how much I prepare I need to be flexible but knowing where I’m trying to go ahead of time sure helps. After all when you walk into dom depot and ask them if they can cut a handle into a piece of wood you just picked right before closing time they look at you funny.
Is the bondage the main event, part of the set up for something else (forced orgasms anyone?), or there in case I need it?
1 I have the I know you rope (which odds are then I’ve given you the rope to care for)
i. This is probably a mix of hemp & some bright color of mfp. Or one or the other based on what you like and how we play
ii. I’ve told you how to care for it and expect since it’s going on your body you’ll have done so
iii. It helps keep me off the Kinky Citizen’s watch list at the airport- Seriously I check enough bags with sex type things in them if I can reduce that a handful of times a year life is good.
2 The I don’t really know you rope
- Mostly MFP
- Hemp for wrists, ankles and the occasional chest harness but nothing near the crotch.
3 And the I’m married to you rope.
- It’s a lot like I know you rope but I take care of it
- If it’s not its natural color it’s a color I don’t usually use on anyone else
- Why do I take care of it? In part because I’m a shitty top and don’t make her
- Oh really why do I take care of it? Because I like to do it.
Stepping away from the list for a moment. I truly love rope. Yes I use bondage as a way to express that love but it goes beyond that. Rope to me represents the ability to focus on the moment, to be attached to the present when another person is involved. However if you walked into my home office and I was on a high pressure call or simply killing time you’d find me doing the same thing; tying and untying the same tattered pieces of hemp and MFP I’ve had for years. In that sense it’s my stress ball.
It’s a fact that I don’t play in “public” very often (I’m working on it). Still going into the situation I need to think about the basics. What types of ties am I planning on doing? Pure restraint, decorative, pseudo shibari, Damsel in Distress (this is a growing thing of late). Part of that is have I played with the person before? Odds are I have but there is the chance I might not have, are they a rope person? What’s their build? It might sound cold but it matters.
Here’s an example
The Chesty Blonde is a 5’7” tall woman with D cups. My Favorite Sexy Little Brunette is a 5 ft tall size 00 with no chest to speak of (she claims small B’s but is lying through her pretty little blindingly white teeth). For the blonde I’d use a 40ft rope for a chest harness just to be safe (yes I have rope left on a basic harness), MFSLB I can do with a 30 and have room to spare. A lot of people have only set lengths of rope in their bags. I’m not that good and go from 10 & 15 foot pieces up to 50 foot pieces. I know what I pack ahead of time but just cant’s get down to single long lengths.
This is a catch all for everything from wrist and ankle cuffs, to biners, hand cuffs, blind folds, gags, clamps (yes I think they can be a restraint), chains, anchors, holding cells, and military detention camps etc. Ok perhaps I’ve never really thought about using 2 of the last 3 but if I had the means I certainly might.
The Don’t you dare move Bondage
I like this one a lot. Perhaps because it was the first type of play (granted it was impromptu) I ever did with the Blonde very early in our relationship. Still there are times when I go into a scene and plan to use it. Knowing what I want to happen is really the part that requires preparation. Do I really want them to simply comply? Do I want to use it as a way to ramp up the action and get mean? Is it just a mind fuck? What will I do or not do if they aren’t playing along? Part of the appeal is the give and take. Once you’re tied up or restrained in theory you’re at my mercy. But here you have to choose to continue to play nice…or not. If you’re told to put your hands behind your head and “don’t you dare move them”, or “go get ready for X and may sure you’ve done Y before I get there” the onus is on that person as to whether there if reward or reprimand along the way.
I could name the implements but here’s really how I choose. What does the person love or hate. Am I in the mood to push that boundary. For example some people just hate wooden paddles. Some only hate the frat type. Floggers , canes, crops what are you planning on needing to address and what are your partner’s hang ups and deal breakers.
We did a whole piece on sensations last month and you can check them out if you like but as for how I prep here’s what I’ve learned
1) Feathers don’t like oil and lube
2) Candles don’t like wind, overhead fans, of particularly verbose playmates .
3) Silk stains like a mother fucker, so does the new bed spread, and every kind of food worth playing with. Pizza is no exception. I don’t do “pizza play” but I love it and it does make a mess.
4) Wax is messy plan ahead (I suck at this one) Wax? Fuck yeah let’s do it!
5) If one of you is allergic to …flowers, scents, food know ahead of time unless you’re into runny noses and vast amounts of Kleenex mid scene
6) Body shots are for young people…ice is for everyone!
7) Perfumes, lotions, and deodorants, applied too recently taste funky (hint let them dry)
8) Hot and Cold flesh react differently. Try smacking a woman with an ice cold ass on a winter’s day the same way you do when it’s 90 out. Totally different sensation.
I love to dress up and play the part but it’s also one of those things that requires planning. My standard uniform looks like most other BDSM geeks…black shirt, black boots, dark pants. Then again it’s my non work I’m not going anywhere important look most of the time. If I know I’m going into a scene for a specific set up though I’ll dress accordingly. Brown Suit, White Shirt, and Tie for a teacher scene (the Blonde calls it my English Spanker look), dark suit for anything that is supposed to be in a business setting (or because I was too lazy to change). I had red vinyl pants that started as part of a joke years ago but became my “look we’re being kinky” outfit and from there it goes all over the place Military, some occasional leather, the big bad wolf, etc.
Where are we playing
At home takes all these issues out of the mix, at a known person’s house more or less does the same thing since you know what they have and what else you might want to bring. It’s those fucking neutral site things where everyone either assumes the other person (typically the top) is in charge of the props and toys or both folks go all boy scout and prepare for the end of the world and bring three steamer trunks a piece.
Where we’re playing matters because the associated noise may bring unwanted attention. If it’s an even or club odds are most things are fine. If it’s a theme park hotel quieter implements are probably in order.
Why am I playing
This is one of those that I probably over think. Is it just for fun, to take you some where specific, because you asked for it (take that one anyway you like), do I want to hurt you, take you somewhere dark, or is it casual, off beat and light hearted. This is a place where I get into trouble and end up irritated fairly often. Sometimes I just want to play, sometimes I just want to be mean, and part of that is there will be times when I just want to be done afterwards and not hold hands and sing. Balancing play as an outlet with sex seems to be the most difficult. This is going to sound wrong but just because I want to scene doesn’t mean I want to fuck; during or right afterwards anyhow. With strangers that’s a given but with regular partners who are play only it’s not an issue but with people who you have sex with, even if it’s not typically kinky sex it can be trickier. Then again that is why god created Hitachi’s and other toys. Or you can just talk about it. That works too!
Will you Shut the Fuck Up – So in Conclusion
What you have is my version of planning, in truth and all kidding aside I do have a mental checklist that I run through that takes all of these things into consideration plus I’m OCD about having certain things like my EMT scissors, fresh batteries, towels, etc. A lot of times I have a set up I’d like to get to when with someone I know. In conversations with others most people let the scene go where the mood takes them. Charlotte Sumtimes mentioned in a tweet on the topic that she tends to be “more sensual with Women and Crueler to men” which is a factor I hadn’t considered.
Enough writing time for more playing. Tonight I’m going to be a verbose know it all and she’s going to be tired of listening to me but the one who gets gagged and ravaged. No one ever said life is fair; besides it’s not like she’ll be able to complain.