It is my thing in many ways, starting out as a sub many years ago (don’t ask I am old enough to have forgotten by now), and over time and through certain events evolving into this. Some would call me a Dom, or a sadist. It all really depends on the light it is looked in.
In my humble opinion first and foremost it is the expectation to be in charge. It is not the want to or hope to be but a knowledge that the level of respect and authority that is desired is a real breathing thing that is possessed. This is not for the faint of heart, or wishy-washy person. A Dom is strong of mind and spirit. (This is not to say that a sub cannot be the same but that is another write later) When a command is given, it will be obeyed and that is the final word. It grates me to no end when I hear of Dom’s who back down to their sub simply because the sub doesn’t want to do it. A Dom is a force of nature, ever changing and evolving as the Dom and sub grow and learn together.
I have a few friends who are Doms that at times give a command that is impossible for the sub to follow, because of time or physical constraints. This is a lack of thinking or understanding on the Dom’s part. It is the Dom’s job to know the sub, what their day is like, what kind of things can and cannot be done when the sub is at work or the house. To tell a sub they must go to the bathroom every hour and pleasure them self and send pics for the Dom’s delight is just dumb if the sub is working. I can hear the office staff now, where is (insert good sub name here)? I guess they should have taken the day off if they were that sick. Or worse if there was a project coming up with a deadline and taking that much time away from their day puts them behind in the work being done. This is where the Dom should have known what was in their subs life. (This also go to the part of a sub needing to communicate with their Dom that what is asked is impossible because of suck constraints)
Then there are physical aspects, let’s admit this right off, I can’t do all the things I used to do when I was 20. Why would a Dom ask their sub to do what they know is beyond physical capability? Kneeling for a short amount of time at your feet (thought the sub should desire to do so) is one thing but having an older sub on hard floors kneel for hours is cruel, even in my book. This applies to many areas, even worse I have known Doms who released a sub because they cannot do something commanded that was physically impossible for them. I hope a Dom who dowa that will have to sit for hours in line in the freezing rain in a tee shirt to get tickets only to find the person in front of them got the last seat for the show.
Dom’s have a responsibility to the sub. We are guardians and protectors. It is a harsh cruel world out there, our sub needs a place to come home to and feel safe. If this home is a physical place you both share that is great and you are blessed to have that. It can be as simple as a place You take your sub when on a phone call, reassuring them that it will be ok and that despite what has happened they are still doing great and you are proud of them and what they did. Praise and gratitude is shown more than spoken (if you don’t believe this I know a sub you need to talk to, she will set you strait on this) There also come times when the sub sees a shiny thing that catches their eye, I am starting to believe that all subs are ADHD (snickers) anyway as a Dom we are to also protect them from those shiny things that are bad or dangerous for them. This includes but is not limited to other Doms who want to play with you both, expensive purchases of frivolous thing (ok that is my weakness sometimes too) and running around from group to group with other BDSMers just because someone hurt their feelings. Each thing I have listed here could be a write in itself and maybe one day I will put my thoughts down on them. I do want to say this though on the other Dom part, there are many want to be Doms out there that promise a great this and all the shiny stars then in the end you look and see it is a bag of fools gold. Then there are other Doms (or tops) that are true treasures for you both, nothing promised other than to have fun and enjoy each other’s company and in their brushing alongside you both they enhance the relationship and leave you both the better for it.
There should be a time for open communication, if not always. when “doing a scene” is not the time for discussion from the sub as to her likes and dislike (that is what a safe word is for) but for the rest of the time a Dom should never be unapproachable, like a high and mighty dictator. After all how will I get to know my sub better if I sit on a throne and make them kneel silently all the time? Communication, communication, communication, and if you missed that communication, it is the key to a happy healthy Dom/sub relationship. If the sub is not happy they can take back the gift of submission given and become a source of pain and displeasure. Trust me there are plenty of predatory Doms out there looking for a sub who is dissatisfied and waiting for a chance to be “that listening ear” with the hope of sweeping a sub away and claiming them. I have seen it and feel sorry to see it happen as in the end the original relationship was not broken but rather just had become silent. A wise Domme told me something that I feel the need to share. “write down all the things that makes your sub special to you, that way when/if things get rocky then you will have that to fall back on.” Wise words indeed as I require a particular type sub that in its very nature will be quite the handful often.
subs are powerful creature but at the same time in need of a strong hand to guide them. Be that hand, with love, respect, communication and take time(though it should be a natural thing) to let them know they are the amazing creature you desire to be with.