So I was sitting in a room filled with hundreds of females and only a half dozen or so males late last Thursday night as I read a Kinky Bucket list. Three things came to mind 1) How the fuck did I get drafted to go to the midnight premier of the Hunger Games 2) being in a room full of females isn’t always a good thing 3) Jade is indeed a very kinky girl. Not giving the topic any more thought until yesterday. After cavorting with a few very sexy Latinas in the afternoon I took the flight home as an opportunity to revisit the subject and compose my own sexual bucket list. Some of the others out there (Google returned 933,000 some of which I perused) I consider mine to be rather tame in comparison to other kinksters and swingers but compared to the Nilla’s I’m the reigning king of Sodom and Gomorrah. In fairness not all activities are brand new; a few are just things I’d like to participate in again or miss. In typical Malflic fashion I decided during the rewrite to categorize them just because I’m a giant fucking nerd at heart and I could easily turn them into a super snazzy power point should the corporate world ever be interested in my sexual ambitions beyond subjugating acquisition targets. Remember M&A is just S&M with financial consent and a literal legally binding change of ownership. Now Kneel and beg for your job! Oh right back to the list…
1) Participate in a triple penetration- Yeah OK it sounds like a cheesy set up from an 80’s porno but I’ve never crossed beyond the simultaneous double team threshold with all live participants (toys & machines don’t count) and figure what the hell it might be fun. Now where should I set this pizza?
2) Send a sub to go cut her own switch – This one feels like a set up from a yester year discipline scene but mine has a twist. I’m not planning to send her out back because that would be too easy (assuming of course there were suitable trees out back). I plan on sending her on a drive across town about an hour or more away to gather a collection of switches for her beating. Letting the tension and dread deliciously build on her journey out and back. If they aren’t what I had in mind of course I’d send back out for the correct ones after ensuring her second journey is a little more uncomfortable.
3) Do the Lazy top thing – In other words have the sub plan a complete scene they really want. Not just plan it but set it up (space, time, toys, ward robe etc), be explicit on what they’d like and why, set the boundaries, and turn me loose. The fact is planning a scene isn’t always easy, good ones take a lot of prep, and the “I want dominated” while a blank slate isn’t really insightful as to what a person truly wants. It would be nice to essentially have one scripted for me that the other person is super into and I more or less get to help them out by playing my part.
4) Have someone pay me for sex. Ok I modified it some from other folks ideas on this one but out of everything I’ve tried I’ve never had anyone say I’ll give you X dollars to do this to me (offering to pay me to leave doesn’t count). One of the stipulations is I get to sing the David Lee Roth version of “Just a Gigolo” at some point while jumping around like a moron.
5) Deliver a Golden Shower
6) Top a Rubber Doll in her full regalia
7) Deliver Forced Orgasms until exhaustion. Whose exhaustion is open to negotiation.
8) Give someone their first adult spanking with their partner watching.
9) Visit a real boot black – It’s about time my boots get shown some proper love after all the abuse they’ve been through.
10) Do an intense spanking scene in front of an audience. I’m not talking about in a play space or a dungeon party but as the main or featured activity at that given moment.
11) Have a local regular spanko play partner (apparently sounds easier than it is, fucking bible belt)
12) Attend a party with human serving platters.
13) Discretely use inserted inflatable’s on my date during an entire evening out. Yeah the technology is going to need to improve to pull this one off but there’s time.
14) Have sex in a limo without closing the divider.
15) Attend a group sex party as only a voyeur. Granted this is more a study of human interaction than a sex type thing but still I think it would be fascinating. Participating in a group sex setting…been there, done that, have the special occasion condoms to prove it. Just watching the festivities would be new.
16) Hire 4 hookers dressed as Nuns and make them go to mass and hit on the priest. No not really just seeing if you’re paying attention.
17) Roughly and mercilessly ass fuck a sub who just got done with a scorching paddling
18) Try Fire play
19) Have an M/s weekend.
20) Watch a Girl on Girl Strap on scene done privately for my enjoyment.
1) Learn and be comfortable with suspension bondage. For all the rope I’ve tied it has all been floor based or pure restraint.
2) Tie and Photograph one new person a month for a year. In a lot of ways this is the most ambitious thing on the list. I’m not talking take pictures of a scene but about making the model and rope artful as the focus of the activity. More of a thing of sensual beauty than a raw sexual exchange.
3) Participate in a Burlesque Show – Could be playing guitar for a number or two, I think it would be fun to MC, but if you’ve ever seen me dance you’d know that that would be off the table. Nobody wants to see that!
4) Go on a Swingers Cruise – My week at Hedo years ago is still one of the highlights of my sexual life. Having an even better one can’t be a bad thing.
5) Make a Porno that doesn’t look homemade – I’m not talking amateur stuff but also not one with any names we’d know in it. Very dirty yet refined and tasteful! Or well lit and decently shot could work too.
6) Produce a Live Lingerie Review and Broadcast it over the Web – I’m sure it’s been done but not by me.
7) Throw a party at the Playboy mansion. All it takes in money and friends in case you didn’t know that.
1) Go to Shibaricon – Every Year I tell myself maybe next year and each of the last 5 years I’ve had a conflict with my vanilla life. So once again…maybe next year.
2) Attend the AVNs – A decade or so ago I had a last minute invite from a friend in the industry while I was in LA to make the drive and attend the evening as the date of his friends. I passed on it at the time and regret doing so now.
3) Schedule Private classes with riggers I admire. Group classes are great but nothing beats one on one learning. Besides I’m shy and anti social (and have a bridge to sell you that goes over some swamp land in the Sahara desert). All kidding aside I think I’d learn new things and improve my skills rapidly. Which for me is a big part of why I do rope.
4) Make it to Folsom when it counts
So there you have it my sexual bucket list as of the moment. I’d like to have delivered it impeccably dressed in a Canali Suit with a Thomas Pink custom shirt like some deranged beauty contestant with bright lights, an eager audience staring on lustfully while the camera’s roll before concluding it with something like “and I believe that world peace can be obtained by legalizing prostitution and insuring the safety and respect of all involved parties, with the shameless availability of high quality and erotically fulfilling pornography and finally by allowing everyone to see the beauty in their own erotic potential without societal body issues or feelings of guilt placed upon them by others…Thank You”.
I like to believe that is how we should all be able to express our sexual desires and if need be share our erotic bucket list; in a grand and open way. Lack of regalia and absurd pomp and circumstance aside here’s the truth about mine. There is a little shame and embarrassment with what I’ve shared. No I’m actually not joking. It’s unlike me to blush and embarrassment and shame are typically complete strangers to me. The list above is honest ,my hang up comes with the fact that I censored it. In short it is missing the 4th and most telling category originally called “I’d Like to do X to Y”.
You must be thinking “wow based on what this moron shares on regular basis it must have been a pretty fucked up and completely deranged set of things.” Sadly they aren’t. There was nothing on it that is remotely illegal (excluding parts of the deep south where everything is pretty much illegal except for fucking sheep and your sister), or in my view immoral. Still I did censor it and that in and of itself is a rare act. After all, my moral compass is typically askew by societal norms, my filter is not just broken but nonexistent in most cases. So what did I remove? Was it that I wanted to screw the door knob at the local Denny’s during the Sunday breakfast rush? Tempting but it’s just not my kink. Or dress a human sized chinchilla while eating tapioca pudding out of a senior citizen with breast implants navel while simultaneously sodomizing a sorority girl dressed like Luke Skywalker? Nope..not that there is anything wrong with that (I guess).
Some of the censored things were in a way far too personal, almost intimate. In others I didn’t want it to seem like it was lame back handed come on. Yet others were a no harm no foul type thing so I’ve wrestled with myself and compromised including parts of the list but omitted the names in all but a few cases leaving it to your imagination. Hey shame! Fuck you; I kind of win.
Doing X to Y the censored version
1) Be professionally photographed naked with the Chesty Blonde (TCB).
2) Cum all over Y’s new tits. I’m not much for money shots but this one would have special meaning, besides she loved it pre upgrades so what’s one more time on the aftermarket pair.
3) _______ Alice King. This one isn’t a censorship issue it’s a space saver.
4) Play rough, tie, and ____ Y. The variable is then do the same thing with their partner watching.
5) Have TCB ask me for X
6) Have coffee with Y. – in this case Y = Yep I’m a pussy ask the woman to coffee already. Coffee isn’t a euphemism either.
7) Watch Y fuck (to be determined) with a strap on. Not exactly the same as #20 above since it involves particular individuals
8) Play with the my favorite sexy little brunette and be able to share the pictures.
9) Take TCB to a strip club and get her a lap dance from 2 women at the same time
10) Insert something really dirty here….
11) Stop writing my sexual bucket list in the form of an algebraic equation If Y = said person and X = lewd act then what is the sum of X times 6 to Y tied up, fucked, and cubed multiplied by 69 with the addition of 3 aa batteries in a pocket rocket.
Go write your own list you bunch of Pervs. I have a few uncensored ones with folks names on it I need to share.