Yesterday Alice King posted a great piece on the requirement of a Safewords in the Real World when playing. As most would suspect it was in the context of rough sex, sub / Slave type play. (ironically I noticed the capitalized S in slave when proofing this post but decided to leave it alone since it must have been necessary on some subconscious level) Odds are it’s more or less your kink if you visit here since that’s kind of a main ongoing theme in this twisted little part of cyber space. But as I reread her post this morning it got me to thinking of an odd conversation I fell into with a group of non kinksters last year at of all places a Golf outing about their use of Safewords in sex and role play that has absolutely nothing to do with tops, bottoms, or anything other than pure sexy as hell dress up and role play.
I always thought; probably foolishly the need for rather hard core pre-negotiated boundaries when role playing and safewords were reserves for the whips and chains crowd. Or in my case the paddles and rope set. This past year when out with a group of guys who are not into my kink but put up with my bull shit humor anyway were well into their third round of cocktails when one of them brought up their “safeword” with their wife. I looked at him a little puzzled. He kind a shrugged looking at me like I was a complete dumb ass before offering “you know for in the bed room when things get a little too intense”.
Still shocked I mumbled “yeah I know what a safeword is but why the fuck do you need one?” Just then another guy jumped in with their chosen word – New York Yankees. Then the group looked at me like don’t you have a safeword with the Chesty Blonde.
“um Yeah Key Lime Pie” to which Mr. Yankee informed me that that was a stupid safeword. A vigorous debate ensued and my sole opinion is that Key lime Pie is no dumber a choice then NY Yankees, General Lee, or any of the other choices. Not one of these guys was into the rough stuff. I know I asked at that very moment and my dismay must have still showed on my face.
“Sometimes things just get too hot or too weird during fantasies and you need a way to cool things off or change course without breaking character” I was informed. For as well read as I consider myself, for as much as I enjoy my adventures, and despite being somewhat well traveled so to speak I never once had I considered the need or that monogamous couple might set up predetermined signals as part of what to me is pretty much just straight sex.
Sure it is a completely different dynamic but upon reflection I guess it makes a lot of sense. Perhaps I’m lucky that when not doing the toppy power exchange thing my choice of partners tend to be the out spoken type ; more of this, less of that, I want you to do X to me kind of girls. Perhaps though I’m missing a dynamic and level of intensity and fantasy but the only way I know how to address the issue is to have a conversation and ask. After all good communication is essential to great sex.