Creating Electronica is like Jerking off with Sand Paper 1


Raver Girl DancingHave I ever tried to jerk off with sand paper?  Well no actually I haven’t but I have to imagine even if you get to the point where things are standing at attention something is going to not turn out like you hoped.  The idea seems good right, a little extra friction, a little self knowledge, some very dirty thoughts and a strong biological need for release.   You should get there but you either end up not coming or with a way too chaffed and bloody dick. That has been my experience with electronic when it comes to creating music.  In theory I’ve got what I need including actual musical training in the distant past, geek computer skills and a desire to make it work but something is not quite right.

A few years ago I started fucking around with loops and midi.  Mostly just for fun after all I love a variety of techno and house music.  As most of you know I’ve been a fan of the Lords of Acid for years and even travel like some hippie dead head to see their recent tours.  Despite this when out at clubs all too often there is some moron with a keyboard, a computer and a semi attractive girl “making music”.   Most of the time it misses the mark.  The Drums sound fake, it lacks a live unpredictability, the chick can’t carry a tune or shake her ass.  For years I’ve chalked it up to lack of talent and musical discipline.   Based on recent adventures I may be wrong.

The Lords had a remix contest on Acid Planet.   I figured hey I have that software I’ll down load the loops whip together a cool remix in a few hours and off to the races. Fuck!!!  After countless hours of fucking with it I can’t get a mix I like.  I can’t time the vocals so they seem to fit, Adding effects is not as easy as it is live with a real engineer at the board or effects rigs.   Add one more things to the list of stuff I’ll never be…”A killer remix guy”

Based on that frustrating experience I informed my Chesty Blonde I need a Midi Keyboard, A really hip nerd, an ass load of software and more time than I probably have left to get it down.   My goal is to make a few of my own songs using this technology.   Easy right?  I take the part’s I wrote and on piano or guitar and simply “plug them into the PC”.  No such Luck I’d be better off buying drums and a bass and getting those skills back than writing digital music .  I’ll be going right back to work as soon as I finish putting lotion on my bloody numb of a dick.  I have a new respect for bands like Angel Spit and Radical G and finally get why NiN trashed their rig on Lollapalooza about 20 years ago.

This is way harder than actually playing a traditional instrument. After all jerking off with sand paper has to easier than this.  Now if you’ll excuse me I’m off to watch more you tube videos by snot nosed kids who can make this shit work.


About Malflic

Minor Demon, life long hedonist, sadist and general nerd. Women are my weakness and greatest addiction of choice followed by torrid love affair with coffee and caffeine. When not committing sins of the flesh I’m an unrepentant capitalist, avid reader, Star Wars, and B rate comedy movie geek.


One thought on “Creating Electronica is like Jerking off with Sand Paper

  • Alice King

    bwahahahahaha….oops sorry. Add this to the list of visuals you have stuck in me head. Being a masochist I am not sure there is anything kinky one could do with sandpaper. Duct tape on the other hand…

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