“So people were actually tying each other up?” They asked me. The look on my face must have said everything that was needed but still I answered their question in a polite and deferential manner “Well it was a bondage themed party. What did you expect?” I tried to add a little humor modifying a line I heard from a week or so ago “it’s not like they were doing a wasabi nasal fisting scene”. Poof instantly I added a new level of concern and confusion to the conversation. I could smell smoke because the term wasabi and the term fisting each illicit a strong response in most people even if they are not into to either thing but add nasal in there and well it all goes to hell pretty damn quick.
Ironically this was the second time in 24 hours I found myself in one way or another trying to help make a non kinky person see the proverbial light. So that’s when the universe decided it was time that I address the subject head on and here I am writing about it.
Is it worth trying to explain in the first place? Unless you are trying to explain it to someone you do or want to play with it might be better to not explain anything at all. At the risk of sounding like a pompous elected official dodging a question let’s look at why…
If you state the painfully obvious “I went to an S&M (or any type of kink) play party”. Insert ghastly looks from the non practitioners who immediately picture you as the victim or killer from some prime time crime show. Rather wouldn’t it be better to say “I went to a private sex toy party with my XX, it added a wonderful new dimension to our relationship”. Rope is a type of toy, so are collars, cuffs, paddles, floggers, whips, and migrant workers if you use them properly (kidding do not send the INS to my house) . So let them think you spent the weekend keeping the energizer bunny in business instead of explaining why you were “playing rough”. After all, every one of the suburban housewives I know has been invited to a sex toy party at one time or another. Vibrators are harmless, non threatening and just part of adult life these days in just about every subdivision. No more threatening than an old couple pitching an erection drug or the his and hers lube commercial on primetime TV right? Ok who needs a new butt plug? Ohhh the taboo’s that get explored by nice normal folks over white wine would scare the hell out of….ok pretty much no one.
Now for example number 2. A statement like “Damn there was candle wax everywhere, her tits, her ass, both pinky toes, the dresser, in her elbow crease, the rug, both or our left earlobes, and somehow we even got some on the ceiling; the sex was hot but clean up afterwards was downright nasty” instead try “during our romantic encounter that included soft music and candle light the darned wax happened to get on to the furniture and floor.” Now you can have a lame conversation about why you need new candle stick holders or should just buy glass jar type candle from the local Ballmark store. You can say things like “Oh how I love the ocean breeze scent” or have you tried scent mixing? You have to we light pina colada and mango peach and the same time and it smells amazing (sadly I’m not making that part up those scents do smell really good together). Not long ago I was having a conversation with an old friend who thought she was telling a wild story about a couple they knew who tried candle wax and it was a disaster. As all the other soccer moms looked on nodding like “we’d never act like that” I simply stated sure wax hurts a little but the real issue was they were doing it wrong. Seriously people it’s not 1990 the internet while good for things like bargain hunting and sending picture of the kids to Mom is also a wonderful resource for learning how to hurt the people you love in a good way that they’ll enjoy and not set them on fire or send them to the hospital with wax burns on their balls. In case you’re too lazy to look it up think of it this way. If the flame almost sets their pubes on fire you are too close no matter what kind of candle/wax you are using. Look I’m no expert other than the fact I’ve never actually set a person on fire and I have played with wax a fair amount.
The third example involves swingers. Simply put use the fight club rule the one that goes the first rule of fight club is don’t talk about fight club. The first rule of discussing swinging is don’t discuss swinging with militant monogamy types. If for no other reason they don’t get the “if everyone is there together it’s not cheating concept” because for it to be cheating the other person a) isn’t aware of the circumstance and b) when you are both fucking people you’re not married to often times in the same room if not at the same time for lack of a better term you are both consenting actual participants in the event and it is only cheating if said act is deemed to be against the rules. Well that and most of the time they also miss the you want to watch who do what you your (insert name or role of choice). For the record why is it ok to watch your monogamous wife go to town on herself with a giant horse penis dildo, anal beads the size of cue balls, and a Hitachi but not another man? Seriously can someone who is into that please explain it to me?
Truth be told I was 21 and at the zoo and I saw giraffe’s fucking and it was traumatizing I had to look away from the horror. To the giraffes it was perfectly natural. This is how militant monogamists view multiple sexual partners, for others it is perfectly normal. It all depends on your perspective but it you’re like me you’d rather see people having sex. If not and you are not a zoologist working on saving endangered species please seek professional help immediately. I mean now get going you fucked up perv!
Which Brings us back to the beginning how do you answer someone who looks mortified at what they just heard, maybe they’re frightened, appalled, emotionally distraught, morally out raged or maybe just maybe their just the slightest bit curious as to what it might be like. Being the bold type I find the best way is to offer to show them exactly what you’re talking about best case you get a new play partner worst case is the conversations ends abruptly and they hide from you from that point on. Either way hey it’s their hang up not yours!
This post was written in jest and is not intended to be used as actual advice, unless of course it seems appropriate but be warned actually ever doing anything I suggest is done so solely at your own risk. As my mother said if all your friends jumped off the Brooklyn Bridge would you have to jump off the damn bridge too? At which point I told her only if I was the member of some deranged cult that required I jump off the bridge for purposes of inclusion or a leap of faith. Yeah she never thought that was funny either. Of course then Bungee jumping was invented which led to an entirely different line of questions that she never seemed to appreciate.
Have a great week!